What a year 2010 has been. Here is my recap, month by month.
JANUARY ~ This year started our in a very dark, lonely place. My heart was still breaking, and I was trying to piece it back together. I spent the month giving everything to my students and soaking up their love more than they will ever know. That is what got me through. I baked, watched TV, went to the gym, worked my second job, and spent time with my family.
FEBRUARY ~ Started out very much so the same as January. Valentine's day was spent on the shooting range wearing black (a tradition of mine). I decided that I was too young and my life was too short to waste it away. And that is what I felt I was doing. Wasting my life. Amazing how God listens and intervenes right when we need him. Super Bowl weekend, I was invited to join a women's small group. It started the next day. That Monday, I was invited to join a small group that met on Wednesdays. After many tears and prayers, I knew I needed to give my life back to God, to put my whole focus on him and not on me. Also, I met this guy. He had blue eyes and was in my small group.
MARCH ~ A whirlwind of a month. Started bible study. LOVED it. Felt like my life had purpose again. And within two weeks, Ryan and I had met, went on our first...second...third...fourth... date. Fell completely head over heals in love. Oh and he called his parents and told them he was going to marry me. My family didn't know him.
APRIL ~ Life. Was. GREAT.
MAY ~ Life. Was. GREAT.
JUNE ~ A very emotional month. Due to a one year contract, I love my wonderful teaching job. Had to move out of my classroom. Had to say goodbye to my students. Had to say goodbye to my staff. Ryan was there for me through everything. My family was so supportive. And I felt truly loved.
JULY ~ Started teaching summer school. Quite the adventure. Life was just great. Growing more and more in love with my man.
AUGUST ~ Feeling so solid in my family, my love of family, and Ryan. Spending time with family and just soaking it up. Was rehired at a different elementary school. Spent many hours getting ready for my new bunch of 5th graders.
SEPTEMBER ~ Became the future Mrs. Katie Kanzler, when Ryan asked me to be his wife and spend the rest of my life with him. FOREVER. Loved the thought that he would be my family, his family would become my family, and he would (someday) become the father of my children. Started teaching at a very different school and discovering how to advocate for myself and my kids.
OCTOBER ~ Wedding planning. Wedding planning. Some more wedding planning. Found my DRESS. And a church. And a reception place. Teaching. Crazy.
NOVEMBER ~ Spent pretty much all of November SICK. But feeling so loved and supported by Ryan and my family. Spent Thanksgiving with Ryan's family, and then with mine. Loving having two families.
DECEMBER ~ Spent my first Christmas with Ryan, decorating his place, hanging out with his family, celebrating with my family. Feeling so in love, and so loved.
What a wonderful year it has been of major changes. Can't even wait to see what 2011 has in store. It's going to be a big year. Bring. It. On.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 30, 2010
hello. i used to blog here. and a proposal.
Boy, has it been a long time since I have blogged! Funny thing is, I still read OTHER people's blogs, and get upset when they don't post frequent enough! Oops :)
After Ryan and Katie’s first date, they both began thinking that this could be ‘it’. Two weeks into their relationship, they were watching a movie at Katie’s and Ryan stopped it because he said he needed to call his parents. He put them on speaker and announced to all listening (including Katie!) a big surprise: he had found the girl he was going to marry.
They continued growing their love for each other and spending time getting to know one another, along with each other’s families.
About a week before the big event, Katie’s suspicions were raised due to Ryan making many ‘secret’ phone calls, and not doing the greatest job being ‘secret’. It was quickly discovered that Ryan was NOT good at keeping ANYTHING a secret.
The morning of September 11th came. It was a beautiful fall day in Poulsbo. Around 3:00, Ryan suggested they go for a walk into downtown Poulsbo. His apartment is only about a mile away and they had done this on many occasions. As they started walking, Ryan’s hands became very sweaty, very fast. It was at this point, Katie began to think that maybe he was going to do it at a special place they visited in town. However, they quickly passed that spot and continued on.
As they entered town and crossed the street, Katie did a double take as she noticed 4 girls standing in front of the bakery holding signs. After one glance, and then a second look, she realized they were some of Ryan’s niece’s. They crossed the street, and at that moment, Katie realized it was happening. Hannah’s sign read “You’d make a great Aunt (Hint, Hint) and Abbie did a wonderful coloring job on her sign which read “I hope you stay with Uncle Ryan forever (no pressure). After hugs and smiles were exchanged, Katie was instructed to continue down the road.
Their journey continued until Jeremy, (Ryan’s brother-in-law), and Ian and Boe (Ryan’s nephews) popped up holding their signs. Boe, who was obviously quite excited about all of this, had a sign reading “Where’s the food line?” Jeremy’s read “2 out of 3 in-laws agree the Kanzler family is the place to be” (we are still trying to figure out who the 3rd one is…..). And sweet Ian had a sign reading “Will you be my Aunt Katie?” Ryan and Katie then noticed the flashing of cameras across the street where Ryan’s three sisters stood holding a sign that read “Always room in our hearts for one more sister.”
This now growing bunch of people continued down the street to the end of the downtown area. At a small table sat Theresa, and Ryan’s Mom and Dad. It was at this point that the tears started flowing. Hugs were given all around and the reality of all of this was starting to really set in for Katie. With three more in tow, they continued down to the waterfront area. As they rounded the corner near the big rock, Katie spotted her family sitting on a bench. This would be the first meeting of the Ryan and Katie’s families. After many introductions, hugs, and quite a few more tears, Ryan asked Katie to take a walk with him.
Hand in hand, they walked down the boardwalk by the water, both knowing what was about to come. As they reached their ‘special spot’, Ryan took both of Katie’s hands and told her how much he loved her and how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. He bent down on one knee, and opened up a small white box, and asked her to marry him. Somewhere in between the tears and trying to hold it together, Katie said yes, and Ryan slipped the most gorgeous ring onto her finger. A perfect fit.
The rest of the afternoon was quite the whirlwind: a reenactment of the proposal so pictures could be taken, a surprise engagement party with the families, many phone calls and e-mails, and ending celebrating just the two of them over pie at Shari’s.
Life has been crazy between church, family, Ryan, friends, school, work, youth group, wedding planning, and just plain old life.
But trust me, it has been anything but plain.
I'm hoping once the new year starts, I will be back on my daily blogging habits. But to tide you over, I will post my PROPOSAL story. I love it.
P.S. It's written in the third person. Yes, I know, weird. But it goes with my wedding website.
Here it is. My very own personal love story.
THE PROPOSAL
After Ryan and Katie’s first date, they both began thinking that this could be ‘it’. Two weeks into their relationship, they were watching a movie at Katie’s and Ryan stopped it because he said he needed to call his parents. He put them on speaker and announced to all listening (including Katie!) a big surprise: he had found the girl he was going to marry.
They continued growing their love for each other and spending time getting to know one another, along with each other’s families.
About a week before the big event, Katie’s suspicions were raised due to Ryan making many ‘secret’ phone calls, and not doing the greatest job being ‘secret’. It was quickly discovered that Ryan was NOT good at keeping ANYTHING a secret.
The morning of September 11th came. It was a beautiful fall day in Poulsbo. Around 3:00, Ryan suggested they go for a walk into downtown Poulsbo. His apartment is only about a mile away and they had done this on many occasions. As they started walking, Ryan’s hands became very sweaty, very fast. It was at this point, Katie began to think that maybe he was going to do it at a special place they visited in town. However, they quickly passed that spot and continued on.
As they entered town and crossed the street, Katie did a double take as she noticed 4 girls standing in front of the bakery holding signs. After one glance, and then a second look, she realized they were some of Ryan’s niece’s. They crossed the street, and at that moment, Katie realized it was happening. Hannah’s sign read “You’d make a great Aunt (Hint, Hint) and Abbie did a wonderful coloring job on her sign which read “I hope you stay with Uncle Ryan forever (no pressure). After hugs and smiles were exchanged, Katie was instructed to continue down the road.
Their journey continued until Jeremy, (Ryan’s brother-in-law), and Ian and Boe (Ryan’s nephews) popped up holding their signs. Boe, who was obviously quite excited about all of this, had a sign reading “Where’s the food line?” Jeremy’s read “2 out of 3 in-laws agree the Kanzler family is the place to be” (we are still trying to figure out who the 3rd one is…..). And sweet Ian had a sign reading “Will you be my Aunt Katie?” Ryan and Katie then noticed the flashing of cameras across the street where Ryan’s three sisters stood holding a sign that read “Always room in our hearts for one more sister.”
This now growing bunch of people continued down the street to the end of the downtown area. At a small table sat Theresa, and Ryan’s Mom and Dad. It was at this point that the tears started flowing. Hugs were given all around and the reality of all of this was starting to really set in for Katie. With three more in tow, they continued down to the waterfront area. As they rounded the corner near the big rock, Katie spotted her family sitting on a bench. This would be the first meeting of the Ryan and Katie’s families. After many introductions, hugs, and quite a few more tears, Ryan asked Katie to take a walk with him.
Hand in hand, they walked down the boardwalk by the water, both knowing what was about to come. As they reached their ‘special spot’, Ryan took both of Katie’s hands and told her how much he loved her and how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. He bent down on one knee, and opened up a small white box, and asked her to marry him. Somewhere in between the tears and trying to hold it together, Katie said yes, and Ryan slipped the most gorgeous ring onto her finger. A perfect fit.
The rest of the afternoon was quite the whirlwind: a reenactment of the proposal so pictures could be taken, a surprise engagement party with the families, many phone calls and e-mails, and ending celebrating just the two of them over pie at Shari’s.
Monday, September 27, 2010
MIA...
So sorry I have been MIA on the blogging.....
I have been just a little bit busy...
WEDDING PLANNING!
That's right.
Planning MY wedding.
I am {ENGAGED}.
And loving the fact that in 8 short months, I will be a MRS., married to a man who makes me feel complete.
Who loves me more than I know.
Who has changed my life.
A FULL recap of his AMAZING proposal, ring pictures, and all kinds of wedding details to come SOON.
But for now...a picture from the night we got engaged. I love him.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
The Boy: The Love Part...
What a crazy adventure this thing is that we call love.
We have been :
Learning to love each other.
Learning to love our faults.
Learning to love our quirks.
Learning to love our families.
Learning to love our Lord...together.
Learning how to be loved and allow that.
We have spent time with my family. He fits in perfectly.
We have spent time with his family. I just absolutely love them.
I learned how to let my guard down and just L-O-V-E.
And I LOVE that.
We have been :
Learning to love each other.
Learning to love our faults.
Learning to love our quirks.
Learning to love our families.
Learning to love our Lord...together.
Learning how to be loved and allow that.
We have spent time with my family. He fits in perfectly.
We have spent time with his family. I just absolutely love them.
I learned how to let my guard down and just L-O-V-E.
And I LOVE that.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
The Boy: The Second, Third, and Fourth Date...
Part Nine
(Read part one and part two and part three and part four and part five and part six and part seven and part eight first.)
That Wednesday at group, I got there a few minutes late.
But Ryan wasn’t there either.
The only seat was a chair kind of in the ‘back row’ since we were watching a movie clip to start. Then Ryan showed up. And grabbed a chair and sat RIGHTNEXTTOME.
Towards the end of group, he asked for my phone number. I put my phone number in his phone. And called my phone so I had his.
That night, he was on Facebook.
Want to chat?
GULP. Sure.
He called.
We talked for about an hour before we both were falling asleep.
Thursday, he texted me and asked me if I wanted to do something Saturday.
Sure…what do you have in mind?
I don’t know…we can figure it out then I guess. Just come over around 11ish on Saturday.
…okay.
Big steps for me.
Friday night he called. He couldn’t wait to see me. Could we do dinner tonight too?
…okay.
Friday night was great…we chatted about everything, and conversation came so easily.
I was supposed to meet him at 11 at his house the next day…but he wouldn’t tell me where we were going. I like a man with a little mystery.
The next day was a whirlwind… we ended up going to the beach up where he works, about 45 minutes north. We walked on the beach, had lunch, talked, and just soaked up spending time together.
Come over tomorrow?
…okay.
Sunday again, we spent the entire day together, went to church, watched a movie, cooked dinner together, and just enjoyed.
We had the official ‘DTR’ (define the relationship) conversation, and it was agreed that we were officially ‘dating’.
I felt such…peace. Such… confidence, safety, and love.
Like I just knew my heart was in good hands.
And THAT, was an amazing feeling…
(Read part one and part two and part three and part four and part five and part six and part seven and part eight first.)
That Wednesday at group, I got there a few minutes late.
But Ryan wasn’t there either.
The only seat was a chair kind of in the ‘back row’ since we were watching a movie clip to start. Then Ryan showed up. And grabbed a chair and sat RIGHTNEXTTOME.
Towards the end of group, he asked for my phone number. I put my phone number in his phone. And called my phone so I had his.
That night, he was on Facebook.
Want to chat?
GULP. Sure.
He called.
We talked for about an hour before we both were falling asleep.
Thursday, he texted me and asked me if I wanted to do something Saturday.
Sure…what do you have in mind?
I don’t know…we can figure it out then I guess. Just come over around 11ish on Saturday.
…okay.
Big steps for me.
Friday night he called. He couldn’t wait to see me. Could we do dinner tonight too?
…okay.
Friday night was great…we chatted about everything, and conversation came so easily.
I was supposed to meet him at 11 at his house the next day…but he wouldn’t tell me where we were going. I like a man with a little mystery.
The next day was a whirlwind… we ended up going to the beach up where he works, about 45 minutes north. We walked on the beach, had lunch, talked, and just soaked up spending time together.
Come over tomorrow?
…okay.
Sunday again, we spent the entire day together, went to church, watched a movie, cooked dinner together, and just enjoyed.
We had the official ‘DTR’ (define the relationship) conversation, and it was agreed that we were officially ‘dating’.
I felt such…peace. Such… confidence, safety, and love.
Like I just knew my heart was in good hands.
And THAT, was an amazing feeling…
Thursday, September 9, 2010
The Boy: The First (unofficial?) Date...
Part Eight
(Read part one and part two and part three and part four and part five and part six and part seven first.)
I showed up that night REALLY nervous to group link. Nervous for two reasons.
Number 1: I would have to talk to LOTS of people
Number 2: Ryan would be there and I would have to talk to him.
He was already there when I got there…manning the table. Apparently, he got there before the 5:00 service…went to church and then was going to be there for the time before the 6:30 service.
And so it started. The talking. It came so easy. The flirting. Lots of it. The teasing. But in a playful fun manner. The sharing. Why was I being so open with him? Not many people came over to talk to us about our group, but I was kind of glad. I was enjoying this so much!
The 6:30 service was going to start, and I hadn’t gone to church yet. I figured I could stay after the 6:30 to man our table since no one had signed up to do that.
But Ryan had already gone to church. Until I convinced him he really should stay with me and come to church AGAIN and then help me man the table after.
And he did.
While we were singing worshiping God…I started feeling this overwhelming sense of…peace. Something I hadn’t felt in quite some time.
A sence of... completeness.
After church was over, we continued joking, laughing, talking, and sharing.
Ryan: So… I’m kind of hungry.
Me: Me too.
Ryan: So…do you want to go get something to eat?
Me: GULP. Sure
Ryan: Okay, where do you want to go?
Me: I don’t care…wherever.
Ryan: I don’t know much over here…what sounds good?
Me: How about Silver City?
Ryan: Okay, meet you there!
Me: GULP. Okay.
I pulled out of the parking lot and called Sarah.
AM I GOING ON A DATE? I don’t know… I’m nervous…AHHHHH. I think that is kind of how the conversation went. Very direct and to the point if you can't tell.
I showed up at Silver City…and let me just tell you.
Those next THREE hours are a complete blur. I had to work the next morning, but we stayed there until 11. It went by SO fast.
We talked about everything: school, work, family, faith, love, life…conversation came so easily.
He paid.
Hugged me goodbye.
And let me tell you…I was REALLY looking forward to that coming Wednesday…
The Boy: The Second, Third, and Fourth Meeting...
Part Seven
(Read part one and part two and part three and part four and part five and part six first.)
I was kind of excited to go to Bible Study the next week. I was getting more comfortable around people. Having a Monday night group with a great group of godly woman, and then having a Wednesday night group with my peers. I felt like I was fully investing my life in God and putting my full focus on him. And he started to work on piecing my broken heart back together.
Life felt better.
It was easier to smile.
At my Monday group, I shared my story and was supported by an amazing group of Christian mentors. I felt like God placed each and every one of them in my life to support me, challenge me, help me grow, and to just love me.
Wednesday night group gave me a sense of belonging, made me feel like I could have friends. People who I could go and do things with. People who were teaching me how to have healthy relationships again.
That Wednesday, I was excited to see this mystery guy again. If not for anything but just to see those blue eyes. Man, they just would draw you in!
He didn’t say much that night, but when I asked what type of dessert I should bring the next week, he quickly said brownies. I filed that away in my brain to remember to make brownies for next week’s group.
God was starting to break down some of those barriers and walls I had around my heart.
That week, brownies it was. I got there early with Kim, and was kind of nervous about seeing this guy again. I still didn’t know his name!
Everyone got settled in…and he wasn’t there. Darn.
About 20 minutes into group, he showed up. And guess what? There was an open seat right next to me on the couch. As in… RIGHT next to me. He could have sat somewhere else, but he sat right next to me.
Now, normally, I would have completely frozen and not have known what to do. He was sitting SOCLOSE to me…but for some odd reason…it just felt… okay. I felt like God was telling me not to run. Not to hide. Not to be scared. That this was just…good.
After group, as soon as we got in the car, Kim and I gushed the WHOLE way back about how CLOSE he was sitting and we were still trying to figure out his name!
That next week was Spring Break. I was spending it hiding from my life down with a friend. We were just going to enjoy sleeping in, shopping, relaxing, cooking, baking, and going out a few times.
That meant I wasn’t going to get to see him that week.
But….I had this bookshelf. In my classroom. And I am awful at putting things together.
So, my brilliant idea to see if he might be interested…without really making the first step… was to e-mail my bible study group to see if someone could help me. If he responded, great. If not, great. Oh, and I finally figured out his name! Ryan. I liked that name.
Sure enough…I e-mailed. He responded. And that’s when I chickened out. I just let him know that I had it done by someone else, but Thank you so much! for the offer.
That next week and Bible Study…he didn’t show up. But at that point, it was okay. I felt like my life was on the mission. I felt like my heart was in the right place. And I didn’t need him to make me have a reason to go to group. I wanted to go to group. He was just a bonus.
Our bible study leader asked us to all sign up for times to work during a church service monitoring our table so that people could ask questions during what we call “Group Link”.
I always go to the night services, so I signed up for the 6:30.
And what do you know. So did he.
Same time.
That next Sunday was going to be a big night in my life.
To be continued…
(Read part one and part two and part three and part four and part five and part six first.)
I was kind of excited to go to Bible Study the next week. I was getting more comfortable around people. Having a Monday night group with a great group of godly woman, and then having a Wednesday night group with my peers. I felt like I was fully investing my life in God and putting my full focus on him. And he started to work on piecing my broken heart back together.
Life felt better.
It was easier to smile.
At my Monday group, I shared my story and was supported by an amazing group of Christian mentors. I felt like God placed each and every one of them in my life to support me, challenge me, help me grow, and to just love me.
Wednesday night group gave me a sense of belonging, made me feel like I could have friends. People who I could go and do things with. People who were teaching me how to have healthy relationships again.
That Wednesday, I was excited to see this mystery guy again. If not for anything but just to see those blue eyes. Man, they just would draw you in!
He didn’t say much that night, but when I asked what type of dessert I should bring the next week, he quickly said brownies. I filed that away in my brain to remember to make brownies for next week’s group.
God was starting to break down some of those barriers and walls I had around my heart.
That week, brownies it was. I got there early with Kim, and was kind of nervous about seeing this guy again. I still didn’t know his name!
Everyone got settled in…and he wasn’t there. Darn.
About 20 minutes into group, he showed up. And guess what? There was an open seat right next to me on the couch. As in… RIGHT next to me. He could have sat somewhere else, but he sat right next to me.
Now, normally, I would have completely frozen and not have known what to do. He was sitting SOCLOSE to me…but for some odd reason…it just felt… okay. I felt like God was telling me not to run. Not to hide. Not to be scared. That this was just…good.
After group, as soon as we got in the car, Kim and I gushed the WHOLE way back about how CLOSE he was sitting and we were still trying to figure out his name!
That next week was Spring Break. I was spending it hiding from my life down with a friend. We were just going to enjoy sleeping in, shopping, relaxing, cooking, baking, and going out a few times.
That meant I wasn’t going to get to see him that week.
But….I had this bookshelf. In my classroom. And I am awful at putting things together.
So, my brilliant idea to see if he might be interested…without really making the first step… was to e-mail my bible study group to see if someone could help me. If he responded, great. If not, great. Oh, and I finally figured out his name! Ryan. I liked that name.
Sure enough…I e-mailed. He responded. And that’s when I chickened out. I just let him know that I had it done by someone else, but Thank you so much! for the offer.
That next week and Bible Study…he didn’t show up. But at that point, it was okay. I felt like my life was on the mission. I felt like my heart was in the right place. And I didn’t need him to make me have a reason to go to group. I wanted to go to group. He was just a bonus.
Our bible study leader asked us to all sign up for times to work during a church service monitoring our table so that people could ask questions during what we call “Group Link”.
I always go to the night services, so I signed up for the 6:30.
And what do you know. So did he.
Same time.
That next Sunday was going to be a big night in my life.
To be continued…
The Boy: The Meeting...
Part Six
(Read part one and part two and part three and part four and part five first.)
That Wednesday, I rode with my friend Kim to Bible Study. Again, broke out in a sweat in the car. Good thing she liked to be early too. That way, I could find a seat, stay there till it was over and then book it out of there! Social situations just brought me way too much anxiety.
Luckily, I knew the people who were hosting the bible study, and settled into my corner on the couch. More people showed up… a married couple, another couple (or at least they looked like a couple), another single girl…another couple…and one single guy.
He showed up late.
We did our introductions and I didn’t catch his name.
But I did catch: his EYES. They were SO blue they just drew you in. Like…really blue.
And for some odd reason…I felt like he was staring at me. The WHOLE bible study. If he answered a question, he would look at me like we were the only two people in the room and answer it. I didn’t say a word, I could barely even say my name, but I kept catching his eyes the whole night.
When I left and got into the car with Kim, the first thing she said was, “That one guy kept staring at you!”
I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t even know his name! But his blue eyes were stuck in my head…like they were somehow able to pierce deep into my soul and see the true me.
(Read part one and part two and part three and part four and part five first.)
That Wednesday, I rode with my friend Kim to Bible Study. Again, broke out in a sweat in the car. Good thing she liked to be early too. That way, I could find a seat, stay there till it was over and then book it out of there! Social situations just brought me way too much anxiety.
Luckily, I knew the people who were hosting the bible study, and settled into my corner on the couch. More people showed up… a married couple, another couple (or at least they looked like a couple), another single girl…another couple…and one single guy.
He showed up late.
We did our introductions and I didn’t catch his name.
But I did catch: his EYES. They were SO blue they just drew you in. Like…really blue.
And for some odd reason…I felt like he was staring at me. The WHOLE bible study. If he answered a question, he would look at me like we were the only two people in the room and answer it. I didn’t say a word, I could barely even say my name, but I kept catching his eyes the whole night.
When I left and got into the car with Kim, the first thing she said was, “That one guy kept staring at you!”
I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t even know his name! But his blue eyes were stuck in my head…like they were somehow able to pierce deep into my soul and see the true me.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
The Boy: Two Months Before
Part Five
(Read part one and part two and part three and part four first.)
Super Bowl Sunday, my life changed.
A girl from church called to invite me to a woman’s super group at church. My first thought was NO WAY. Too many people, too much talking, and too much sharing. Not. For. Me.
But God had a different plan. For some odd reason, I just said yes. And I don’t just say yes to ANYTHING. I have to think about it, plan it out, make sure it is okay and will work, and then I will say yes. But I just said yes.
It starts tomorrow? Oh. Boy. Not quite ready for that.
I was nervous the whole day at school. I knew that night I was going to have to go because I told her I was going to be there. Plus, I wasn’t doing anything anyways. I was never doing anything.
Walking down the hall at school that day, one of my teaching friends stopped me. “Have I ever invited you to my small group?” You have GOT to be kidding me.
I had been avoiding getting into a small group for almost a year. And now TWO offers in TWO days??? And again, for some very strange reason, I just said yes.
I joined my {second} small group.
That might at Bible Study #1, I walked into the room, and recognized a few people. That helped with the massive amount of anxiety I was feeling...and showing. I broke out in a cold sweat before I even got through the doors. This was a big step for me.
But God had big plans for me. I enjoyed Bible Study. Met some great women. And started to feel like my heart might be able to heal.
I decided that night that I needed to focus more on HIM, and less on him. I needed to give my whole heart, or what I thought I had left to HIM, and not to him anymore. I needed to depend on HIS love, and not cling to his love. I needed to be satisfied by the one that can fully satisfy, instead of try to be satisfied by surface superficial love.
I committed myself to the 8 week bible study in the woman’s super group. The topic? Discerning the voice of God. I can tell you this. I KNEW that was the voice of God.
I committed myself to my Bible Study #2 as well.
I committed myself to going to Church EVERY Sunday. I needed my focus and my whole life to be devoted to HIM. And I hit the pavement running…
(Read part one and part two and part three and part four first.)
Super Bowl Sunday, my life changed.
A girl from church called to invite me to a woman’s super group at church. My first thought was NO WAY. Too many people, too much talking, and too much sharing. Not. For. Me.
But God had a different plan. For some odd reason, I just said yes. And I don’t just say yes to ANYTHING. I have to think about it, plan it out, make sure it is okay and will work, and then I will say yes. But I just said yes.
It starts tomorrow? Oh. Boy. Not quite ready for that.
I was nervous the whole day at school. I knew that night I was going to have to go because I told her I was going to be there. Plus, I wasn’t doing anything anyways. I was never doing anything.
Walking down the hall at school that day, one of my teaching friends stopped me. “Have I ever invited you to my small group?” You have GOT to be kidding me.
I had been avoiding getting into a small group for almost a year. And now TWO offers in TWO days??? And again, for some very strange reason, I just said yes.
I joined my {second} small group.
That might at Bible Study #1, I walked into the room, and recognized a few people. That helped with the massive amount of anxiety I was feeling...and showing. I broke out in a cold sweat before I even got through the doors. This was a big step for me.
But God had big plans for me. I enjoyed Bible Study. Met some great women. And started to feel like my heart might be able to heal.
I decided that night that I needed to focus more on HIM, and less on him. I needed to give my whole heart, or what I thought I had left to HIM, and not to him anymore. I needed to depend on HIS love, and not cling to his love. I needed to be satisfied by the one that can fully satisfy, instead of try to be satisfied by surface superficial love.
I committed myself to the 8 week bible study in the woman’s super group. The topic? Discerning the voice of God. I can tell you this. I KNEW that was the voice of God.
I committed myself to my Bible Study #2 as well.
I committed myself to going to Church EVERY Sunday. I needed my focus and my whole life to be devoted to HIM. And I hit the pavement running…
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
The Boy: The Winter Before...
Part Four
(Read part one and part two and part three first.)
It wasn’t until January that I finally officially ended things for good. And while I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, I felt the loneliness set it.
A deep sense of loneliness.
And along with that loneliness, lots of anxiety.
Things that hadn’t bothered me before, things that I could laugh off, things that normally I would get over quickly, suddenly hit me harder than ever before.
Getting out of bed became more of a chore every day.
Sleeping was difficult.
I stopped doing things that I once found a lot of enjoyment in.
I tried to stay connected with my family and friends, but it was difficult.
And this was a feeling that I had never felt before.
But it weighted heavily on me.
I felt like a darkness had set in on my life and I wasn’t sure how to get out.
I discovered I have some deep set abandonment issues. They stem from a stressed relationship with my father and his tendency to just ‘abandon ship’ when the going got tough. And so from that, I developed a fear of being abandoned.
So, with my combination of feeling broken, abandoned, and lonely, I tried to keep what was left of my heart safe.
I pushed people away out of fear of losing what was left of my heart.
I was scared I would lose the rest of it.
It was hard to be around my family, my friends, and people that I once enjoyed spending time with. I became a different person.
My dark place was taking over my life, and I hated it.
It was Super Bowl weekend and I was trying to enjoy it with my friend and her family. That evening, I got a phone call that changed the direction my life was headed…
(Read part one and part two and part three first.)
It wasn’t until January that I finally officially ended things for good. And while I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, I felt the loneliness set it.
A deep sense of loneliness.
And along with that loneliness, lots of anxiety.
Things that hadn’t bothered me before, things that I could laugh off, things that normally I would get over quickly, suddenly hit me harder than ever before.
Getting out of bed became more of a chore every day.
Sleeping was difficult.
I stopped doing things that I once found a lot of enjoyment in.
I tried to stay connected with my family and friends, but it was difficult.
And this was a feeling that I had never felt before.
But it weighted heavily on me.
I felt like a darkness had set in on my life and I wasn’t sure how to get out.
I discovered I have some deep set abandonment issues. They stem from a stressed relationship with my father and his tendency to just ‘abandon ship’ when the going got tough. And so from that, I developed a fear of being abandoned.
So, with my combination of feeling broken, abandoned, and lonely, I tried to keep what was left of my heart safe.
I pushed people away out of fear of losing what was left of my heart.
I was scared I would lose the rest of it.
It was hard to be around my family, my friends, and people that I once enjoyed spending time with. I became a different person.
My dark place was taking over my life, and I hated it.
It was Super Bowl weekend and I was trying to enjoy it with my friend and her family. That evening, I got a phone call that changed the direction my life was headed…
Monday, September 6, 2010
The Boy: The Fall Before...
Part Three
(Read part one and part two first.)
October rolled around and I finally came to my senses and ‘broke up’ with him. Except, we weren’t really broken up because we were never really ‘together’. But it was definitely a break up. My heart felt…shattered. I felt like a piece of me was missing, and it was never going to be returned.
He didn’t make it easy. The calling. The texting. Showing up, just to visit, but having a whole other agenda in mind.
He had helped me set up my classroom, and everything in it reminded me of him. I had a student with the same name and could hardly look at him.
He had helped me move into my own apartment, and everything around me brought back a flood of memories: the good, the bad, and the ugly.
I wanted to just forget. To heal. But he kept coming around.
So, for three MORE months, I was in limbo with him.
My heart would jump when he would text me. Grab lunch with you? Of course. Go bowling just for fun? Wonderful. Come to the company party with you? What could it hurt.
I kept putting myself in situations that did not let me heal and let him keep stringing me along.
My heart still felt broken, but it felt like when he was around, there was hope it would heal. I think it really was just a mask, a distraction, from the brokenness. He couldn’t heal it. He just made it worse.
I had to learn the hard way that only HE can heal brokenness. And only HIS perfect love would satisfy me.
(Read part one and part two first.)
October rolled around and I finally came to my senses and ‘broke up’ with him. Except, we weren’t really broken up because we were never really ‘together’. But it was definitely a break up. My heart felt…shattered. I felt like a piece of me was missing, and it was never going to be returned.
He didn’t make it easy. The calling. The texting. Showing up, just to visit, but having a whole other agenda in mind.
He had helped me set up my classroom, and everything in it reminded me of him. I had a student with the same name and could hardly look at him.
He had helped me move into my own apartment, and everything around me brought back a flood of memories: the good, the bad, and the ugly.
I wanted to just forget. To heal. But he kept coming around.
So, for three MORE months, I was in limbo with him.
My heart would jump when he would text me. Grab lunch with you? Of course. Go bowling just for fun? Wonderful. Come to the company party with you? What could it hurt.
I kept putting myself in situations that did not let me heal and let him keep stringing me along.
My heart still felt broken, but it felt like when he was around, there was hope it would heal. I think it really was just a mask, a distraction, from the brokenness. He couldn’t heal it. He just made it worse.
I had to learn the hard way that only HE can heal brokenness. And only HIS perfect love would satisfy me.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
The Boy: The Summer Before...
Part Two
(Read part one first.)
After finishing up student teaching, I was exhausted. I finished and then jumped right into a long term sub job that finished out the school year for me. I had never been so happy when June 16th rolled around.
However, what that meant was, I was working three jobs…moved into my own little 600 square foot apartment…and felt lonely. I longed to have someone in my life. And I think I was a little too desperate.
One of my favorite movies is “The Wedding Planner”. Partially because I love Jennifer Lopez, partially because I love weddings, and partially because I love plans. But anyways, there is a line in that movie where Jennifer says she is a ‘magnet for unavailable men’.
The first time I watched that movie, I said to myself, “That’s me”.
I tend to gravitate toward unavailable men. Unavailable in that they are involved with someone else, not emotionally available, or not in a good place to start a relationship. That was my track record.
I like to fix people. I like to make things better. And those are the people I tended to gravitate towards. People who needed me. Or so I thought they needed me.
Through a family friend, I met one of his employees. We started hanging out and it was so great to have someone do things with. Someone who called me. Someone who texted me. Someone who wanted to spend time with me.
We started a whirlwind of a friendship that quickly developed into something more.
And that’s when I found out he was living with his girlfriend. Yep. I said it. Unavailable.
But silly me, thought we could stay just friends. It was obvious he had other intentions, but I was naïve enough to just go along with it all.
So, that summer, we developed a relationship built on sinking sand.
I knew it wasn’t healthy but I was felt like I couldn’t give it up.
I would gather just enough courage to break it off, but then he would swoop in and make things all better and I just couldn’t let that go.
I was working three jobs and staying quite busy, but I would drop everything to spend time with him. He would come to my work during lunch just to chat. He would text me endlessly while bored at his work. He would spend hours just hanging out with me at home.
But then there were the times when he wasn’t there. When he wouldn’t answer texts. When he wouldn’t answer phone calls. When he would disappear. Because he was with her. I knew it, but choose to ignore it.
And I again, foolishly, put up with it. For three months, I balanced in between being a girlfriend, a friend, the ‘other’ woman, and a girlfriend. But really, I was none of those. For three months, I sacrificed my true happiness, for a few moments of feeling loved.
(Read part one first.)
After finishing up student teaching, I was exhausted. I finished and then jumped right into a long term sub job that finished out the school year for me. I had never been so happy when June 16th rolled around.
However, what that meant was, I was working three jobs…moved into my own little 600 square foot apartment…and felt lonely. I longed to have someone in my life. And I think I was a little too desperate.
One of my favorite movies is “The Wedding Planner”. Partially because I love Jennifer Lopez, partially because I love weddings, and partially because I love plans. But anyways, there is a line in that movie where Jennifer says she is a ‘magnet for unavailable men’.
The first time I watched that movie, I said to myself, “That’s me”.
I tend to gravitate toward unavailable men. Unavailable in that they are involved with someone else, not emotionally available, or not in a good place to start a relationship. That was my track record.
I like to fix people. I like to make things better. And those are the people I tended to gravitate towards. People who needed me. Or so I thought they needed me.
Through a family friend, I met one of his employees. We started hanging out and it was so great to have someone do things with. Someone who called me. Someone who texted me. Someone who wanted to spend time with me.
We started a whirlwind of a friendship that quickly developed into something more.
And that’s when I found out he was living with his girlfriend. Yep. I said it. Unavailable.
But silly me, thought we could stay just friends. It was obvious he had other intentions, but I was naïve enough to just go along with it all.
So, that summer, we developed a relationship built on sinking sand.
I knew it wasn’t healthy but I was felt like I couldn’t give it up.
I would gather just enough courage to break it off, but then he would swoop in and make things all better and I just couldn’t let that go.
I was working three jobs and staying quite busy, but I would drop everything to spend time with him. He would come to my work during lunch just to chat. He would text me endlessly while bored at his work. He would spend hours just hanging out with me at home.
But then there were the times when he wasn’t there. When he wouldn’t answer texts. When he wouldn’t answer phone calls. When he would disappear. Because he was with her. I knew it, but choose to ignore it.
And I again, foolishly, put up with it. For three months, I balanced in between being a girlfriend, a friend, the ‘other’ woman, and a girlfriend. But really, I was none of those. For three months, I sacrificed my true happiness, for a few moments of feeling loved.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
The Boy: The years before...
***Disclaimer: I did borrow this idea from one of my favorite bloggers, Jordan over at www.jorydliz.com. Her blog, “Wide Open Spaces”, is one of my favorite blogs to read…so I am ‘borrowing’ her creative idea…and sharing my love story***
Part One:
Since I was a little girl, I dreamed of getting married. I could totally picture it. Me and my man enjoying life together…kids running around… just soaking it all in. It was picture perfect.
And as one of those people who likes to know a lot about…everything, I read book after book about marriage, relationships, dating, and singleness. I would highlight, underline, write down quotes, and dream about my future life. When I got into high school, I was convinced I would meet my man there and we would live happily ever after. I had life planned out, and I was ready for it to start...
Except, that didn’t happen. I didn’t even date anyone in high school.
But, I figured that was probably better, that way I could meet someone in college and I would THEN live happily ever after. Anyways, none of the guys in high school even came CLOSE to meeting any of the expectations on my “List”.
I think every girl has one. A list of what they want in a husband. And I was pretty particular. And for that, I am so thankful.
While deciding on a college to go to, one reason for choosing a private Christian university was that I would be supposed by people who shared a common faith. And since I wanted to marry someone who shared that with me as well, it seemed like the perfect place. Oh, and they had a great Education department; just a little side note.
During my two years of college, I didn’t date either. And I started to get a little bit nervous. Were my standards too high? Was I being too picky? Maybe I should have been more outgoing. Maybe I should have gone after that person. Maybe I am too shy.
I graduated from college and moved back home. I was starting my student teaching and wasn’t making money, so it was my only option. And not one that would really help in the dating scene if you know what I mean.
But I made it work and dedicated myself to my school and my students. I occasionally went out with friends, but being a full time teacher and full time student was not the easiest thing.
Part way through that year, I started to think…is this what my life is going to be like forever? Am I going to be doing this exact same thing: wake up, go to school, come home, go to bed…lather rinse repeat…10 years from now?
Good thing God is in control of my life and not me. Too be continued…
Part One:
Since I was a little girl, I dreamed of getting married. I could totally picture it. Me and my man enjoying life together…kids running around… just soaking it all in. It was picture perfect.
And as one of those people who likes to know a lot about…everything, I read book after book about marriage, relationships, dating, and singleness. I would highlight, underline, write down quotes, and dream about my future life. When I got into high school, I was convinced I would meet my man there and we would live happily ever after. I had life planned out, and I was ready for it to start...
Except, that didn’t happen. I didn’t even date anyone in high school.
But, I figured that was probably better, that way I could meet someone in college and I would THEN live happily ever after. Anyways, none of the guys in high school even came CLOSE to meeting any of the expectations on my “List”.
I think every girl has one. A list of what they want in a husband. And I was pretty particular. And for that, I am so thankful.
While deciding on a college to go to, one reason for choosing a private Christian university was that I would be supposed by people who shared a common faith. And since I wanted to marry someone who shared that with me as well, it seemed like the perfect place. Oh, and they had a great Education department; just a little side note.
During my two years of college, I didn’t date either. And I started to get a little bit nervous. Were my standards too high? Was I being too picky? Maybe I should have been more outgoing. Maybe I should have gone after that person. Maybe I am too shy.
I graduated from college and moved back home. I was starting my student teaching and wasn’t making money, so it was my only option. And not one that would really help in the dating scene if you know what I mean.
But I made it work and dedicated myself to my school and my students. I occasionally went out with friends, but being a full time teacher and full time student was not the easiest thing.
Part way through that year, I started to think…is this what my life is going to be like forever? Am I going to be doing this exact same thing: wake up, go to school, come home, go to bed…lather rinse repeat…10 years from now?
Good thing God is in control of my life and not me. Too be continued…
Saturday, August 28, 2010
wow...
Yesterday was a BIG day.
I have THREE interviews.
Yes, THREE.
4th grade.
5th grade.
2nd grade.
Let me just tell you that is a miracle in and of itself.
Those are pretty much the only three openings within 4 hours of here.
And I interviewed for all THREE.
And I was offered...
{ALL THREE}
So with GREAT joy, I am officially,
teaching
5th
grade
for the 2010-2011 school year.
And I couldn't be more excited.
Thank you to all of you who prayed for me, encouraged me, supported me, and believed in me.
Now ready...set...go!
I have THREE interviews.
Yes, THREE.
4th grade.
5th grade.
2nd grade.
Let me just tell you that is a miracle in and of itself.
Those are pretty much the only three openings within 4 hours of here.
And I interviewed for all THREE.
And I was offered...
{ALL THREE}
So with GREAT joy, I am officially,
teaching
5th
grade
for the 2010-2011 school year.
And I couldn't be more excited.
Thank you to all of you who prayed for me, encouraged me, supported me, and believed in me.
Now ready...set...go!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
insecurity...
Sometimes, these feelings of insecurity hit me like a ton of bricks.
Insecurity in who I am.
Insecurity in my relationships.
Insecurity in my job.
Insecurity in my faith.
And I don't know what to do about them.
I get anxious, nervous, and emotional.
And I feel lost. Lonely. Afraid. Scared.
Right now, is one of those moments.
I feel insecure.
And I hate that.
Insecurity in who I am.
Insecurity in my relationships.
Insecurity in my job.
Insecurity in my faith.
And I don't know what to do about them.
I get anxious, nervous, and emotional.
And I feel lost. Lonely. Afraid. Scared.
Right now, is one of those moments.
I feel insecure.
And I hate that.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
oh boy...
Choices. Choices to be made. So many choices.
I'm a bad chooser.
I am indecisive.
I like to know the WHOLE picture before I make a choice.
And unfortunently, right now, I don't have the whole picture.
So, I am trying to put my trust in Him. Because he is the ONLY one who has the whole picture.
Why is my mind starting to sing, "He's got the whole world in His hands?" :)
Trying to be patient. And remembering he has the whole picture all. figured. out.
I'm a bad chooser.
I am indecisive.
I like to know the WHOLE picture before I make a choice.
And unfortunently, right now, I don't have the whole picture.
So, I am trying to put my trust in Him. Because he is the ONLY one who has the whole picture.
Why is my mind starting to sing, "He's got the whole world in His hands?" :)
Trying to be patient. And remembering he has the whole picture all. figured. out.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
patience...
I am now fully understanding why patience is a {virtue}.
I am not very good at this waiting game.
After 3 great interview in the past 2 weeks, I have gotten the same speech from all of them.
We love you, you sound great, you are a great interviewer, we would love to have you on our staff, you can't improve on anything.... but we are going with someone who has more experience.
Um, is it just me, or does that not sound quite right?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MORE EXPERIENCE IF NO ONE WILL HIRE ME.
There, I got it out. I feel much better.
Today, I have another interview. For a position that I will gladly take. It's a great position. But I'm feeling torn about it. So, I guess I will just have to wait and see.
As for now, I am studying every bible verse that talks about patience.
And trying to understand that it is a virtue. And that I need to learn some more of it.
I am not very good at this waiting game.
After 3 great interview in the past 2 weeks, I have gotten the same speech from all of them.
We love you, you sound great, you are a great interviewer, we would love to have you on our staff, you can't improve on anything.... but we are going with someone who has more experience.
Um, is it just me, or does that not sound quite right?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MORE EXPERIENCE IF NO ONE WILL HIRE ME.
There, I got it out. I feel much better.
Today, I have another interview. For a position that I will gladly take. It's a great position. But I'm feeling torn about it. So, I guess I will just have to wait and see.
As for now, I am studying every bible verse that talks about patience.
And trying to understand that it is a virtue. And that I need to learn some more of it.
Friday, August 13, 2010
weekend plans...
Busy weekend ahead of us.
But, the weather is beautiful, the food will be great, and of course, the company is amazing.
Friday: As soon as R gets home we are headed over to the BIG meeting between my boyfriend and the neighborhood. I know they will love him and he will love them. But, its being disguised as a {Margarita Night}.
Saturday: We will be driving up early Saturday morning to Bellingham to R's sister's house to celebrate the birthday of his niece. Oh, and EVERYONE is coming up. Parents, both sisters, all the nieces and nephews. Then, spending the night at the other sister's house. Should be crazy fun.
Sunday: Hopefully coming home mid morning. Maybe an afternoon nap. Or an afternoon walk. Or both. Church in the evening. and off to be early.
Should be a great weekend! What are you doing?
But, the weather is beautiful, the food will be great, and of course, the company is amazing.
Friday: As soon as R gets home we are headed over to the BIG meeting between my boyfriend and the neighborhood. I know they will love him and he will love them. But, its being disguised as a {Margarita Night}.
Saturday: We will be driving up early Saturday morning to Bellingham to R's sister's house to celebrate the birthday of his niece. Oh, and EVERYONE is coming up. Parents, both sisters, all the nieces and nephews. Then, spending the night at the other sister's house. Should be crazy fun.
Sunday: Hopefully coming home mid morning. Maybe an afternoon nap. Or an afternoon walk. Or both. Church in the evening. and off to be early.
Should be a great weekend! What are you doing?
Monday, August 9, 2010
another transition...
Well, summer school is over.
I am unemployed again.
Another life transition.
Still waiting to hear about the job... and trying not to be anzious. I'm actually not that nervous which is amazing. I think I just have a little bit more peace about all of it working out.
But I am feeling that 'transition time' again. That feeling of unknow.
For the past month, I have had a schedule and a plan every day.
This morning, I am sitting on my couch watching TLC 'Say Yes to the Dress'. I swear this show is addictive. Seriously.
But, I am feeling more peace than before.
And I'm hoping that sticks with me.
So for now...back to 'Say Yes to the Dress'.
I am unemployed again.
Another life transition.
Still waiting to hear about the job... and trying not to be anzious. I'm actually not that nervous which is amazing. I think I just have a little bit more peace about all of it working out.
But I am feeling that 'transition time' again. That feeling of unknow.
For the past month, I have had a schedule and a plan every day.
This morning, I am sitting on my couch watching TLC 'Say Yes to the Dress'. I swear this show is addictive. Seriously.
But, I am feeling more peace than before.
And I'm hoping that sticks with me.
So for now...back to 'Say Yes to the Dress'.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
prayers appreciated...
I have an interview today.
For a great job, that I would love.
But I just get so nervous!
So, in praying specifically, pray for lessened nerves, pray for the right words to come out of my mouth, for me to know when to just SHUT UP, and for the interview team to see my true love and passion for kids and teaching.
That is my prayer.
If you happen to want to send an extra one up about 1:40, that would be great! :)
For a great job, that I would love.
But I just get so nervous!
So, in praying specifically, pray for lessened nerves, pray for the right words to come out of my mouth, for me to know when to just SHUT UP, and for the interview team to see my true love and passion for kids and teaching.
That is my prayer.
If you happen to want to send an extra one up about 1:40, that would be great! :)
Monday, August 2, 2010
adventures...
I love little adventures with my man.
Tonight, we just went looking at houses. Not to buy, but just the fun of looking at what we like, and how ridiculous the prices are.
But sometimes, we find ones that we both really like.
And feeling like someday we could have a house that we call home, is amazing.
Just one of the many little adventures I love with my man.
Tonight, we just went looking at houses. Not to buy, but just the fun of looking at what we like, and how ridiculous the prices are.
But sometimes, we find ones that we both really like.
And feeling like someday we could have a house that we call home, is amazing.
Just one of the many little adventures I love with my man.
Friday, July 30, 2010
missing my kids...
Today I am really missing my students. The familiarity of me knowing them, and them knowing me.
Having my classroom where somedays we just sat and colored, or talked, and everybody hugged each other. Where my kids all worked hard. Where I knew their emotions, their feelings, their stories.
Letting go of them was one of the toughest things to do. And while it was obviously necessary...It was still hard.
I gave my students this poem on the last day and barely made it through reading it outloud to them. Tears flowed, and we cried together. And all of those emotions and feelings are quickly flooding back right now.
Then finally one day I took a good look
Having my classroom where somedays we just sat and colored, or talked, and everybody hugged each other. Where my kids all worked hard. Where I knew their emotions, their feelings, their stories.
Letting go of them was one of the toughest things to do. And while it was obviously necessary...It was still hard.
I gave my students this poem on the last day and barely made it through reading it outloud to them. Tears flowed, and we cried together. And all of those emotions and feelings are quickly flooding back right now.
To my students:
In 2009 at the beginning of September
You came into my class, how well I remember.
Some of you were smiling and giggling a lot
Some of you were smiling and giggling a lot
Some were very quiet and a few tears I could spot
You came here to learn, to be taught how to read
You were then very much like a tiny new seed
You were all in my garden just waiting to grow
You were all in my garden just waiting to grow
So this gardener got busy with her rake and her hoe
I fed you the water and let in the sun
You took in the soil, but we had only begun
Each day as I worked in this garden of mine
Each day as I worked in this garden of mine
I saw you all growing so strong and so fine
Then finally one day I took a good look
And saw each of my flowers reading a book
It was obvious then that you had worked too
It was obvious then that you had worked too
Soaking up all the food I had given to you
But although you have blossomed, you still need to grow
So I'll pass you on now to another gardener I know
They too have a rake and hoe they can use
They too have a rake and hoe they can use
And plenty of food from which you can choose
I hope you will keep your roots open wide
Take in all their food and keep it inside
Yes, a gardener can work all night and all day
But the flower must be willing to take in each ray
So work very hard in your garden each year
Do the best you can and you'll have nothing to fear
Grow strong and tall, reach up for the sun
Grow strong and tall, reach up for the sun
Stay as nice as you are and have lots of fun.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
date night...
I love date nights. There is something about actually planning a {date} and then doing it that makes it special.
Not just deciding on dinner and making it, or grabbing some food on the way home, but planning some sort of activity and dinner. I love it.
Tonight, we are going to do some shopping. Not just any type of shopping. Some BIG shopping. Some very important shopping. Just to check things out. And get some ideas. And I'm pretty excited.
Then we are planning on going out to dinner and just relaxing back at home. Ryan's home that is. Not my home. Yet. :)
Not just deciding on dinner and making it, or grabbing some food on the way home, but planning some sort of activity and dinner. I love it.
Tonight, we are going to do some shopping. Not just any type of shopping. Some BIG shopping. Some very important shopping. Just to check things out. And get some ideas. And I'm pretty excited.
Then we are planning on going out to dinner and just relaxing back at home. Ryan's home that is. Not my home. Yet. :)
Monday, July 26, 2010
lots of good things happening...
Lots of good things...but I can't share... {yet}.
This weekend, we went to R's parents house and had a wonderful weekend relaxing with them and his sister.
Lot of laughs, some good tears, and smiles all around.
We are all {excited} about the future. And plans. And all kinds of fun and exciting things in our lives.
There is still a little bit of time before anything because official official, but let me just say... I can't even wait to share my news on here. For all of you who have followed me, prayed for me, and loved on me even though I don't know you...thank you.
God is good. It is in his timing, when we let go of our plans and our timing, that he works in mysterious and crazy ways.
My life sure looks different than I thought it would, but I couldn't be happier.
This is a feeling of joy I have {never felt before}. And just you wait.
The exciting thing is, this is JUST. THE. BEGINNING.
This weekend, we went to R's parents house and had a wonderful weekend relaxing with them and his sister.
Lot of laughs, some good tears, and smiles all around.
We are all {excited} about the future. And plans. And all kinds of fun and exciting things in our lives.
There is still a little bit of time before anything because official official, but let me just say... I can't even wait to share my news on here. For all of you who have followed me, prayed for me, and loved on me even though I don't know you...thank you.
God is good. It is in his timing, when we let go of our plans and our timing, that he works in mysterious and crazy ways.
My life sure looks different than I thought it would, but I couldn't be happier.
This is a feeling of joy I have {never felt before}. And just you wait.
The exciting thing is, this is JUST. THE. BEGINNING.
Friday, July 23, 2010
laughter...
I haven't laughed like I did last night in a {long} time.
And boy, did it feel G.R.E.A.T.
After a crazy day of my car not working, being late to work, jumping my car FOUR times, buying a new battery, replacing said car battery {on my own}, and going to R's house exausted, I laid down and I was out. We were snuggling, and then all of a sudden it was 4 hours later.
Yes, we took at FOUR hour nap.
And that is when the fun started.
I don't know what it was, but we were both {goofy}. And we L.A.U.G.H.E.D. like no ones business.
Went to Wal-Mart to grab a few things, had a great time cooking dinner together, watching the game, talking, and just living life to its fullest.
This morning, my stomach hurts. I'm actually sore I laughed so hard.
And the greatest thing is, I get to laugh with this man {for the rest of my life}.
And boy, did it feel G.R.E.A.T.
After a crazy day of my car not working, being late to work, jumping my car FOUR times, buying a new battery, replacing said car battery {on my own}, and going to R's house exausted, I laid down and I was out. We were snuggling, and then all of a sudden it was 4 hours later.
Yes, we took at FOUR hour nap.
And that is when the fun started.
I don't know what it was, but we were both {goofy}. And we L.A.U.G.H.E.D. like no ones business.
Went to Wal-Mart to grab a few things, had a great time cooking dinner together, watching the game, talking, and just living life to its fullest.
This morning, my stomach hurts. I'm actually sore I laughed so hard.
And the greatest thing is, I get to laugh with this man {for the rest of my life}.
Monday, July 19, 2010
one big difference...
I am quickly finding out how different {men} and {women} deal with being sick.
Is it just me who thinks that or is that pretty well known and I'm the last to find out. I used to notice it with my Dad quite a bit, and with my brothers as well...but now I am REALLY noticing it.
So R is sick. He has a cold. But to him?
END OF THE WORLD.
This morning I found him lying in bed, moaning, looking quite pitiful saying in his weakest voice, "Heeelllp meeeeee."
Seriously? I think when a man is sick, the world stops rotating, the oceans part, and they think the seas are rising up above them.
Babe, you have a cold. That's it. Yes, you have a runny nose. Blowing it helps. Yes, your head hurts. Advil helps. You don't have a fever, cough, rash, or the chills. You'll be fine. I promise. Yes, I will take care of you, bring you hot tea in bed, make a lunch for you BEFORE I have to be out of the door at 7:00, bring you a cup of water at your bedside, and come and check on you on my lunch break. Yes, I will straighten up and make sure you have clean clothes and towels before I leave. Yes, I will kiss your forehead, pull the covers up over you, tuck you in, and remind you to rest. Because I love you. And I really do love taking care of you.
But if that was me? Well...I'd still be going to work, getting the grocery shopping done, popping some Sudafed, putting in the laundry, making dinner, writing a thank you note, pay the bills, and then crash into bed with a bottle of NyQuil next to me.
And yes, you would take care of me in your own very kind way. And I'd probably get a back rub out of it.
I think that I would rather ME be sick than YOU.
I just handle it better.
I love you, Babe. :)
Is it just me who thinks that or is that pretty well known and I'm the last to find out. I used to notice it with my Dad quite a bit, and with my brothers as well...but now I am REALLY noticing it.
So R is sick. He has a cold. But to him?
END OF THE WORLD.
This morning I found him lying in bed, moaning, looking quite pitiful saying in his weakest voice, "Heeelllp meeeeee."
Seriously? I think when a man is sick, the world stops rotating, the oceans part, and they think the seas are rising up above them.
Babe, you have a cold. That's it. Yes, you have a runny nose. Blowing it helps. Yes, your head hurts. Advil helps. You don't have a fever, cough, rash, or the chills. You'll be fine. I promise. Yes, I will take care of you, bring you hot tea in bed, make a lunch for you BEFORE I have to be out of the door at 7:00, bring you a cup of water at your bedside, and come and check on you on my lunch break. Yes, I will straighten up and make sure you have clean clothes and towels before I leave. Yes, I will kiss your forehead, pull the covers up over you, tuck you in, and remind you to rest. Because I love you. And I really do love taking care of you.
But if that was me? Well...I'd still be going to work, getting the grocery shopping done, popping some Sudafed, putting in the laundry, making dinner, writing a thank you note, pay the bills, and then crash into bed with a bottle of NyQuil next to me.
And yes, you would take care of me in your own very kind way. And I'd probably get a back rub out of it.
I think that I would rather ME be sick than YOU.
I just handle it better.
I love you, Babe. :)
Sunday, July 18, 2010
men's cologne...
Seriously does something to me.
Seriosusly.
When a guy has good quality, good smelling cologne on, and just the right amount...it does amazing things.
Guys who spray themselves up one side and down the other side in really strong nasty cologne? Not good.
But when have just the right amount, of a a good cologne, it smells intoxicatingly good. So good that I get distracted. So good that I can't stay focused. So so good.
And let me tell you this. Ryan has the {best} smelling cologne.
Seriously.
Seriosusly.
When a guy has good quality, good smelling cologne on, and just the right amount...it does amazing things.
Guys who spray themselves up one side and down the other side in really strong nasty cologne? Not good.
But when have just the right amount, of a a good cologne, it smells intoxicatingly good. So good that I get distracted. So good that I can't stay focused. So so good.
And let me tell you this. Ryan has the {best} smelling cologne.
Seriously.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
deeper...
This past week, something happened in mine and R's relationship that made it go...deeper. Granted, it was NOT the kind of situation that I EVER want to find myself in again until it is the right time, but we found ourselves in a situation that came with enough stress to last me for a looonnnggg time, and may have resulted in a gray hair or 2. Or 50.
But in the midst of all of that stress, tears, worry, and fear, our relationship grew. It grew stronger. Deeper. And made me realize how much I truly love this man. How I want to spend the {rest of my life with him}.
I have never met someone who can reassure me or calm me down like he can. How he can grab hold of my mess of anxiety and smooth it out. How he can listen. How he can just hold me. How he can force his way into the bathroom and sit on the floor with me and just hold me. At a moment where I thought I just wanted to be alone and cry, he knew that what I really needed was love. He knows that, because he knows me {like no one else does}.
One of the most special, personal, and intimate moments I have ever had with him is when we {prayed} together. Wow. That feeling of coming together as a couple and praying to our heavenly Father, thanking him for our blessings, and asking for His will to be done in our relationship and His way to be shown, was amazing. A very special moment I will treasure forever.
He has been the most encouraging, caring, sensitive, understanding, and supportive person. And I am forever grateful for that. I could not ask for a better man.
We are both learning from God's perfect love how to love each other better. How to continue to work on our relationship. How to put God at the center. How to love like he loves us.
But in the midst of all of that stress, tears, worry, and fear, our relationship grew. It grew stronger. Deeper. And made me realize how much I truly love this man. How I want to spend the {rest of my life with him}.
I have never met someone who can reassure me or calm me down like he can. How he can grab hold of my mess of anxiety and smooth it out. How he can listen. How he can just hold me. How he can force his way into the bathroom and sit on the floor with me and just hold me. At a moment where I thought I just wanted to be alone and cry, he knew that what I really needed was love. He knows that, because he knows me {like no one else does}.
One of the most special, personal, and intimate moments I have ever had with him is when we {prayed} together. Wow. That feeling of coming together as a couple and praying to our heavenly Father, thanking him for our blessings, and asking for His will to be done in our relationship and His way to be shown, was amazing. A very special moment I will treasure forever.
He has been the most encouraging, caring, sensitive, understanding, and supportive person. And I am forever grateful for that. I could not ask for a better man.
We are both learning from God's perfect love how to love each other better. How to continue to work on our relationship. How to put God at the center. How to love like he loves us.
{Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.}
Friday, July 9, 2010
feeling off...
Today I am feeling...off.
That's the best I can do to describe it.
I woke up early. It was 80 degrees by 7:30 this morning. Not usual for us at all.
Meeting at summer school. Set up my classroom. Felt stressed about the unknown and chaos of it all.
Came 'home' AKA Ryan's house. He came home.
I fell asleep on his couch.
He set up his tent outside. On the porch. Yes, on the porch. The reason being? He wants to go camping.
Then got pizza. And came back and watched the Mariners. And kind of sat in silence.
I think we are both tired. It has been a long week for both of us.
I think we both need a good nights sleep. And maybe some space. And some air conditioning.
Tomorrow we hopefully will both sleep in.
Then we are headed down to my friend's wedding. I set them up. And now they are getting married.
And then maybe we are going camping for a night? And hopefully resting some.
I start summer school next week and it will be a crazy fast 20 days of teaching. And then summer will be almost over...and I am still unemployed.
Trying not to dwell on it and trust God, but its difficult. I know he is testing my patience. And I'm trying to trust him. Trying being the key word.
R just made coffee. I'm blogging. And he's texting me. While sitting next to me. He's pretty much the most adorable thing ever. I love him.
So that is my story of the day.
That's the best I can do to describe it.
I woke up early. It was 80 degrees by 7:30 this morning. Not usual for us at all.
Meeting at summer school. Set up my classroom. Felt stressed about the unknown and chaos of it all.
Came 'home' AKA Ryan's house. He came home.
I fell asleep on his couch.
He set up his tent outside. On the porch. Yes, on the porch. The reason being? He wants to go camping.
Then got pizza. And came back and watched the Mariners. And kind of sat in silence.
I think we are both tired. It has been a long week for both of us.
I think we both need a good nights sleep. And maybe some space. And some air conditioning.
Tomorrow we hopefully will both sleep in.
Then we are headed down to my friend's wedding. I set them up. And now they are getting married.
And then maybe we are going camping for a night? And hopefully resting some.
I start summer school next week and it will be a crazy fast 20 days of teaching. And then summer will be almost over...and I am still unemployed.
Trying not to dwell on it and trust God, but its difficult. I know he is testing my patience. And I'm trying to trust him. Trying being the key word.
R just made coffee. I'm blogging. And he's texting me. While sitting next to me. He's pretty much the most adorable thing ever. I love him.
So that is my story of the day.
Friday, June 18, 2010
back to blogging...
I think I am on a roll here now... at least a few days of blogging in a row. I guess that's what happens when your whole world for the past 10 months just stops suddenly. Still having some mixed emotions about that right now, if you couldn't tell.
Today I spent the day cleaning in my classroom...trying to get everything boxed up and put away. R was at a conference Thursday and Friday so I stuck to trying to get as much done as possible. I hit the wall today after about 6 hours of cleaning. It's amazing how much STUFF I accumulated this school year!
My wonderful brother came over and helped me bring boxes up the stairs to my apartment...which is now STUFFED full of teaching stuff...and I still have one more load at school. Ugh.
Tomorrow the plan is for me to drive up to R's sister's house for Ian's 7th birthday. He called me "Aunt Katie" last week and sent me an invitation. How could I say no??? R has to work, so he is going to come up later in the evening and we can spend time with part of his family. I'm thinking a spider man shirt is in order for Ian...what 7 year old DOESN'T like Spider Man???
I'm headed over to R's right now...he just called and said he was almost home. I'm hoping to get some pictures of us tonight...hopefully. I normally am not a fan of pictures of myself, but we'll see...maybe one of them will land here on my blog. :)
Thursday, June 17, 2010
summer...
Today was my first day of summer vacation.
Crazy.
I have completed my first year of teaching and LOVED every minute. I know that when God was creating me, he made me to be a teacher. It is my passion, my true love, and what I was meant to do.
I have been full of all kinds of mixed emotions today. It truly is a bittersweet ending. While I am so glad to have completed this year and so glad that I am now on break, it is also very difficult to be done. TO be done doing what I LOVE to do. And not know what the future holds for my teaching career.
I was packing up things today in my classroom when I received permission to go and visit my student who is currently staying in a mental health facility. So while I didn't get half of what I wanted to do done, I was able to go and spend some precious time with him.
So while it is amazing and exciting this year is over, it is also sad and very difficult. I am hoping that my heart will start feeling better about this and I can start really enjoying my summer break.
And now back to those pesky report cards... :)
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
i didn't realize...
That people were keeping track of my blog :)
Okay, here are some more details... and YES I am being vague on purpose. But trust me, information will be shared soon. TRUST ME.
I never thought I would be one of THOSE people. Meet someone. Start dating. And you just know. You what you ask? Well... you know. Know that this is the one person you want to spend {forever} with.
While it has been crazy and overwhelming and exciting and great all at the same time...I have loved ~every~ minute of it.
Let me just gush for a minute. Or maybe two. Or maybe three. We'll see.
The other day R knew I was super stressed with school and grades and some family stuff as well. We were supposed to be headed up for his niece’s graduation the next day, we had been at a friend’s surprise party the night before and my house was a MESS. So what did he do? Got off work, came over to my house and did ALL of my dishes. And let me tell you...when I bake it sort of looks like a tornado came through my kitchen. I think every dish was out. I was able to clean the REST of my mess of a house, and he did my kitchen. No pressure, he just did it to do it for me.
A couple of weeks ago, I had a really rough day. One of my students was really struggling and had an awful day. It was a really rough day for me to deal with and I was, to be honest, falling apart. He texted me and told me he was making dinner and I just needed to show up with a bottle of wine. I got to his house, and he had made a complete dinner: fettuccini alfredo (which he did not know was my ~favorite~), fresh bread, salad, AND he made chocolate pudding for dessert. Seriously.
One of my favorite things about R is the way he listens. He listens when I’m stressed. When I’m angry. When I’m sad. When I need to vent. When I’m worried about my kids. When my friends are having issues. He listens. But not just listening to what I say... He is actively engaged, pays attention, and CARES about what I am saying. And somehow, he can always makes things seem a little better, and a little brighter.
So that's my afternoon sharing. I love him.
Monday, June 14, 2010
procrastinating..
Okay, 2 posts in one day. Crazy.
But the trust is, I'm just {procrastinating}.
So instead of doing report cards like I should be doing, I will share some things that have recently been on my mind.
~ I realized how much it bothers me when other girls check R out. But I know why they do it. It's his eyes. They are a piercing blue. Ice blue. Sometimes very brilliant blue. Sometimes very light blue. But always a blue that makes you want to just stare. I am so happy that I get to look at them every. single. day. :)
~ This weekend, we went on quite the road trip. In total, it was almost 600 miles. But in all honestly, we had so much time to just relax and talk. We went to R's nieces graduation, down to his other sisters, to my friends graduation, then to his parent's house, and then home. It was wonderful.
That is all for now...back to report cards!
end of the year...
Currently working on:
Packing up my classroom
Grading papers
Grading papers
Grading papers
Did I mention grading papers?
Then, transferring those grades into the report cards.
And trying to write constructive comments that will help future teachers understand my kids. I want them to be as successful as they can, and the more work that I put into their report cards, the more evidence and information future teachers have about them and they can use to do what they can do to help the students learn.
But it takes a LOT of time!
Not much fun.
Although... it does help to do all of this while snuggling on the couch and eating ice cream with my love. It actually really helps. :)
More to come on this past weekend...we had quite the adventure of traveling all over the state. And visiting family. And enjoying spending time together.
Also, more to come on the end of the school year, Mexico, future plans!!!!!, and other exciting news in my life.
But for now...its back to..
Grading papers, grading papers, and grading papers.
Oh, and trying to finish up my report cards.
Oh the life of a teacher. :)
Friday, May 21, 2010
well let's see...
I'm not even sure where to begin! The last time I posted was on the 5th...and somehow it is already the 24st!
In that time...
I got sick. With a cold. Then the flu. Then back to a cold. It was not fun, but did help me to take a few days off and use some of my accululated sick leave. And I took that one day off to play hookie with my man. Again, just using up my sick leave that will go away at the end of the year. It was GREAT. Why haven't I ever done that before???
I was told that my teaching contact would not renew due to budget cuts. But I am hopeful that something will come up. Somewhere. Doing something.
I met R's parents. And two of his sisters. And one brother-in-law. And two neieces. And one dog named Sig. And I fell in love with all of them. And fell even more in love with him.
Dealt with some crazy parents. And got a few gray hairs because of it.
Enjoyed spending quality time with my dear friend Sarah. I love her. And she is almost done with nursing school!!! So proud! :)
Got into my first big argument with my bestie Em. It was not good. I was not myself. But I think things are better. Not healed, just better. And we're on the road to recovery.
Preparing to go to a friend's wedding...in MEXICO! :) CAN'T EVEN WAIT!
More to come on allll of these events.... life is good :)
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
sometimes...
I think...sometimes when you know, you just know.
And that feels exciting, scary, crazy, amazing, wonderful, overwhelming, and...right.
I love him.
And that feels exciting, scary, crazy, amazing, wonderful, overwhelming, and...right.
I love him.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
rough.
This has been somewhat of a rough week at school. So glad that it is Thursday.
That means, tomorrow is Friday. Which means after work, I get to go see my man.
He's making me dinner. And we're going to do {sometime fun}. Not sure what that is yet.
And then Saturday? He's taking me to a Mariner's game. After my heart, can't you tell??? :)
But tonight, I am trying to just relax. I got home and CRASHED after work, I was exhausted. Now I'm cleaning up and trying to prep for tomorrow.
I'm a fan of the weekend. :)
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
i like...
Good morning text messages.
The way he says my name.
How he sends me text messages when he's thinking about me.
His blue eyes.
The way he just listens. Doesn't judge. And gets me.
How he seems to know what is in my head sometimes and says it when I can't.
The way he looks at me...just because.
Flowers sent to my classroom. {I know, seriously?!?!?}
How we can talk about anything.
Worshiping together.
Just being with him.
That's what I like.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
weekend.
This was just what I needed.
R was working most of the weekend, but we were able to spend a bunch of time together. It is so exciting and fun to learn all about his past, present, and what he sees in his future.
It's been great.
Really. Great.
More updates to come. :)
Saturday, April 24, 2010
crazy good.
It will be one week tomorrow since I last posted...and boy can a lot change!
R and I are {officially} dating. :)
He is kind, caring, considerate, funny, and treats me like a princess.
Kind of a crazy week, but I am loving it.
More details to come...for sure.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
interesting...
So...I went out on a {date} yesterday. Granted, it was our first "official" date, but we went out to dinner Sunday, I saw him Wednesday, we hung out Friday night...and THEN came our "official" first date on Saturday.
Woah.
It's difficult to remember to guard my heart. It's difficult to remember to take things slow. It's difficult to remember that I got my heart broken...when he's SO great.
It just feels so....natural. Normal. Easy. Great.
So I met him at his apartment at 12. Well actually, I was running late. So more like 12:15. But he was running behind too.
We hit the road and headed out to Marrowstone Point. Which is about an hour drive so we had plenty of conversation time...again not awkward, and it came so easy. We got there and took a walk on the beach. It was perfect. Kinda windy, but not super cold.
Grabbed some lunch...drove through where he used to live... talked about our families, favorite colors, pet peeves, our interests, habits, faith, relationships...everything.
Got back to his place, watched some TV, watched a movie, he made dinner, we went out to Barnes and Noble and looked at books, came back and just talked.
And then I came home...smile on my face...realizing how good this all feels. And how much I like getting "Good Morning" text messages. :)
Friday, April 16, 2010
new look {2}
I decided to update my blog again today...
Wanted a new header and new background...
Oh, and had to get rid one {1} picture. I kinda like the new look :)
never a dull moment...
I was concentrating on paperwork at my desk while my students were working quietly. One of them walked over to me looking like this...obviously he got a little distracted...or maybe he was bored :) I ♥ my job.
Oh, and just FYI: If you are ever mad or upset with your child, the best move is NOT to tell your child you don't want them anymore, call DSHS, and try and put them up for adoption. It makes for a rough day at school. And a rough day for the teacher. Just FYI.
But kids honestly say the funniest things...and this week was no exception...
After talking about the current earthquakes around the world, I was assured by one of my students that if there was one here, they would walk over to my house to make sure I was okay and then we would eat pancakes together. Sounds like a good plan to me.
One of my students today... "Ms Highfield aren't you proud of us? We finished a whole book! Normally we just talk.... " Oh so proud. :)
While grading my math tests I discovered the brilliant explanation one of my student gave to the question "Is 25 a multiple of 4? Explain your reasoning." His answer?... “No, it is not because it just isn't.” Like I said...he is brilliant. ♥
And then there are the sweet moments that make my eyes well up with teacher...After taking a half-day on Monday, one of my students came up with tears in his eyes, throws his arms around me and says, "Ms. Highfield...I missed you ." Totally melts my heart.
But now it’s the weekend…and I couldn’t be more excited! Oh, and I have a {date!} on Saturday… excited and nervous all at the same time!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
teacher's gifts...
As a teacher...this is right up my alley!!!
As teachers, we never EXPECT to be given gifts. However, when that occasional gift lands on my (~always~) messy desk, it is a nice surprise!
I would say some of the best gifts include...
**Gift Cards to...Starbucks, Barnes and Noble, Target, Walmart...We can use these for little morning perks, classroom supplies, or anything for ourselves...which is great!
**Hand Written Notes (from students AND parents)...If you really want to show your child's teacher that they are appreciated, a note is a perfect and inexpensive way! I have a little special box I put letters in. :)
****And just a tip... don't save gifts just for things like Christmas or Teacher Appreciate Week... gifts are the best when they come at random! :)
Thanks for making us teachers feel so appreciate!!!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
new beginnings...
A new beginning.
A new start.
A budding...start. :)
And I can't wipe this silly grin off of my face.
But, trying not to get my hopes up.
But loving this feeling again.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
easter.
Yesterday, I had the privilege of going to Harrison's baptism. I first started babysitting Harrison when he was 2...and he's now 10! His Mom and Dad baptized him...it was very emotional.
This morning at church, they showed the video of the kids being baptized... and Kylie sang "Hallelujah". I completely lost it.
I was completely overwhelmed with emotion. I think it was a mix of feeling grace, suffering, His love, sin, and confession. I always cry at baptism videos too. Always.
"Hallelujah"
Now I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah
Baby I have been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
There was a time you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you
The holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light
In every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah
He is risen. He is risen indeed. He died for my sins...and he was resurrected. What he did on Easter, he wants to do for everyone. For my sins. He died and rose again. Grace. Love. Mercy. Amazing.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
productive.
Today I actually felt productive.
That is a very good thing.
Woke up at Emily's... and make yummy fruit smoothies. Got ready, and headed back to my hometown to work at school.
5 hours later, I felt PRODUCTIVE.
Got a TON of stuff done at school and the best part was, I realized after about 4 hours, I went that entire time without thinking of the Boy.
Then, back to Emily's...made dinner for us...watched Glee which warms my heart...and then we are just hanging out.
Life feels good. Right here, right now. Let's hope for more of this feeling.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
dealing...
Its not going so well.
Every song reminds me of you. Literally, every single song. Somehow...someway.
Every movie.
Every store.
Every time I get a text I hope its from you.
Everyday I miss you... and my heart hurts.
It's not easy...and I'm not dealing well...tonight. But tomorrow is a new day. Hopefully.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Letter #2:
Hello my dear,
Letter #2 it is. Still feeling alone.
It's raining out right now...actually, it pouring. And there is some thunder. And lightening.
I hate thunder and lightening. A lot. I am not scared of many things. But I am really scared of thunder. Oh, and lightening.
I wish you were here. Because I know that you would already know this. And you would hide under the covers with me...and cover my ears...and make it all better. You would think that I am adorable even in my sweats. You would love me for me.
That's all for tonight.
Love, Me
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Letter #1:
To my future husband,
I have always talked about writing letters to my future spouse. All talk, and no action. Well, tonight feels like the night to write my first letter.
These are the kinds of nights that I wish you were here sitting next to me. I wish I already had you with me. I wish you were holding me in your arms and telling me everything was going to be alright. I wish that I had you here with me.
I feel so alone. Right here, right now...I feel alone. I don't know what to do. I want so badly to know you...to have the wait be over. I want to be able to spend the rest of my life with you and not feel this way.
I hope you are thinking of me right now too. I think I miss you even though I've never met you.
Love, Me
made it.
I made it to Spring Break.
It was touch and go there for a little while. :)
My original plan was to go to Arizona for break to watch Mariner's Spring Training...but that didn't happen. Not enough money in the bank.
So instead, I my plan was to hang out with Emily a bunch. But...I'm not sure that is going to happen. See...there is a boy in her life now, which means she has dropped off the face of the planet. So not exactly sure what is going to happen now. We were going to go on a day trip, or overnight trip to Ocean Shores...we were going to make lots of smoothies...and go shopping...and go to the movies...and bake...and make me a treasure chest for my classroom...get our nails did, but I don't know if any of that is going to happen.
Last night didn't go as planned either. I slept in until 2 in the afternoon...and moved my lazy self to the couch. Around 8:30 (PM, yes, in the evening) I decided I should probably shower. I had a feeling that the Boy would text me. I don't know how I know when he is going to text...but somehow I always do. So I hop in the shower..and then when I got out...oh yes. He had texted. I had dropped off cinnamon rolls at his sister and brother-in-laws house...two weeks ago. Apparently this was the first he had heard of it.
So he texted me...innocent flirting back and forth... good thing I showered. He was down at Rich's...and wanted me to come hang out. Bad idea, I know. But I wanted to. I wanted to see him. I miss him every day. All the time. No matter what I say or do...I still miss him. And I hate that!
So, I headed down there...and just hung out with the Boy and Rich. We watched a movie...and just chatted. It was just what I needed. And then Rich went to bed. And the Boy and I snuggled on the couch. And I wanted to stay. But I came home. Ugh.
I always do so well...and then he knows just when I am feeling so vulnerable...and he can swoop in and somehow make me feel so much better. I don't know how to get over that. I don't know how to figure this out. I just don't know.
On other notes...life is flying by. It seems recently I have had to make lots of big life decisions...and I don't know how I feel about that. Rough.
I can't believe that I am 2/3 of my way through school. It's crazy. I just applied to teach summer school.
I am making a mutual friend's wedding cake. Should be fun.
I am thinking of going to Hawaii this summer. As in...seriously considering it. Even though I probably can't afford it, I really really want to go. A "congrats you made it through your first year of teaching" reward to myself.
I've been loving church recently. Its been great. So has small group. We have this week off.
I am trying to plan out the rest of my school year. A daunting task. But I am excited at the same time.
I think that is all. For now. Hopefully I will post before a month is up again. If I make it. :)
Saturday, February 20, 2010
movin on.
I think that needs to be the title of my life right now. I need to move on. I need to trust in God that he has a plan for me that way better than I could ever plan for myself. I need to believe that he truly does have my best interest in mind. I need to work on trusting him more. I need to work on loving him more. I need to work on making him my number one focus.
How am I going to do that? Not sure...but I think I have some ideas to get me started.
Bible Study: Monday nights. Do my homework for that. Every day. Pray. Read the bible
Bible Study: Wednesday nights. Build relationships. Realize how good life is for me. Focus less on fear and more on future.
Church: Commite 100% to going EVERY WEEK. To really listen. And learn. To put my money on the mission again.
The Boy: I need to be done. I need to not let him hold onto the control he has in my life. I need to MOVE ON. I need to not answer texts, phone calls, or e-mails. I need to just be DONE.
So that is my grand master plan. My plan for becoming more focused on HIM and less focused on him. My plan for living more for HIM and less for me. My plan for trusting HIM. My plan for loving HIM more.
How am I going to do that? Not sure...but I think I have some ideas to get me started.
Bible Study: Monday nights. Do my homework for that. Every day. Pray. Read the bible
Bible Study: Wednesday nights. Build relationships. Realize how good life is for me. Focus less on fear and more on future.
Church: Commite 100% to going EVERY WEEK. To really listen. And learn. To put my money on the mission again.
The Boy: I need to be done. I need to not let him hold onto the control he has in my life. I need to MOVE ON. I need to not answer texts, phone calls, or e-mails. I need to just be DONE.
So that is my grand master plan. My plan for becoming more focused on HIM and less focused on him. My plan for living more for HIM and less for me. My plan for trusting HIM. My plan for loving HIM more.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
life.
Has its ups and downs.
Good and bads.
Rough and easy.
Stressful and relaxing.
Sad and Happy.
Frustrating and simple.
Confusing and understanding.
I feel like this has been my life recently.
Back and forth.
Ups and Downs.
Such is life.
Friday, February 12, 2010
i should really post this...
So I was going over new years goals today...and realized I should update one of them!
Last Sunday, I was still in 0 small groups. None. Just hadn't found anything and to be honest...I really hadn't been looking.
As of Monday night, I am in 2.
One is a Women's Super Group...we meet for 8 weeks and there are about 60 women. I am in a small group IN that group with 6 other ladies. At first I thought that it might not work...all of them are over 30, married, with kids. However, I think it will be a good group to be in...we are talking about Discerning the Voice of God. Something I really need.
Then, a teacher at my school invited me to come to HER small group. Turns out I know 3 of the people in it. They are all 20-30 and I think it might be just right for me.
So YAY! Accomplished one of my New Year's Goals.
Last Sunday, I was still in 0 small groups. None. Just hadn't found anything and to be honest...I really hadn't been looking.
As of Monday night, I am in 2.
One is a Women's Super Group...we meet for 8 weeks and there are about 60 women. I am in a small group IN that group with 6 other ladies. At first I thought that it might not work...all of them are over 30, married, with kids. However, I think it will be a good group to be in...we are talking about Discerning the Voice of God. Something I really need.
Then, a teacher at my school invited me to come to HER small group. Turns out I know 3 of the people in it. They are all 20-30 and I think it might be just right for me.
So YAY! Accomplished one of my New Year's Goals.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
downs and ups.
This past week has been the hardest week of teaching so far this year. It's been rough. I've felt drained. Tired, beaten down, and not sure what to do. One of those OH MY GOSH WHAT DID I GET MYSELF INTO weeks. That being said, I love my kids. I love being with them. I love teaching. But its been rough. Really rough.
I got a new student a week ago Friday. And he is causing me to grow and stretch and figure out how to be a teacher that can teach him. And I'm not sure I can. That has lead to countless meetings. Convincing people he is not able to be in my classroom. I feel like I can't go without being 3 feet from him because I worry about the safety of my students. Oddly enough, I don't worry about my safety, just my kids safety. Especially the girls, he seems to be most interested in being physical with them. Makes me nervous and I don't like that.
I was feeling unsuccessful. Like I shouldn't be doing this.
Then my sweet little James. Oh James. That kid has lived more than he should, and he's only 11. My heart just breaks for him. They got evicted, so he showed up one morning early to do his homework and said they were moving that afternoon. I told him NO. He was not going to leave me. I cared about him and loved him too much to let him go. The end of that story is I figured out a loophole that allows them to be transported to our school because they are 'home less'. So Monday morning, they will be picked up and brought to school. Hopefully. I doubt it will last long because Mom isn't exactly on board with everything. I just want him to feel loved. I just want him to have a chance. To do better for himself. To be a kid. I guess we'll see Monday morning.
It was a good thing that I didn't have kids on Friday. I needed a day without them. So, Thursday they were testing the alarm system at our school. As in, going off for 45 minutes strobe lights and all. Crazy. 3 of us left and headed to Starbucks instead of waiting. When I got back, I decided it was the perfect time to clean up. To get organized. To do some serious planning. And boy, did I actually feel SUCCESSFUL. I stayed WAY late...as in 9 PM.
Then Friday, we didn't have kids and it was a teacher in service day. Just lots of time to have meetings. I stayed late Friday too because I am SO excited about teaching SCIENCE! Cindy, my teaching partner, and I are going to be sharing teaching Social Studies and Science. I am going to do 2 units of science, and she is going to teach social studies. So, Tuesdays and Thursdays, I will teach science to her kids and mine, and she will teach social studies to hers and then mine. Can't even tell you how excited I am about this! I am doing the human body kit, and I am SO excited. I will let you know how it goes. :)
This was what I needed. To get me feeling successful again and excited. I needed this. It will force me to be even more on track of what I am teaching and be structured and organized. That is a good thing.
So, after a crazy busy week of rough and tough kids, I am feeling like I can do this. I am feeling successful. I am feeling good again.
A weight has been lifted, I am feeling successful. I am loving it. Life feels like its on its way up.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
oh my.
Things have been a bit crazy which in turn has made me a bad blogger.
Let's see here....
School: Crazy. New student. Meetings. Papers to grade. Mentors. Meetings. Planning. Science Fair. Art. Parents. Office Visits. In school Suspension. Crazy.
Family: My Aunt Died. Mom has been high maintenance. Kevin is adorable as always. Kristopher is still Kris. Dad has been pretty low key but wrapped up a new phase.
Friends: Can't go more than 2 days with out E. Haven't seen S in forever but we have been talking on the phone more. The Boy....he deserves his own section.
The Boy: Haven't seen him since December 28th...until tonight. Heard from him 3 times in between. Had a really good time....with Matt tonight...his friend. :) Oh life.
Life: Working on trying to not feel so restless. Working on feeling happy with being settled. Working on...just living and enjoying it.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
restless...
This is a pretty personal post. But, I think that is okay.
I am feeling restless. The definition of restless is
1. characterized by or showing inability to remain at rest: a restless mood.
2. unquiet or uneasy, as a person, the mind, or the heart
3. without rest; without restful sleep: a restless night
4. unceasingly active; averse to quiet or inaction, as persons
5. marked by a lack of quiet, repose, or rest
6. not able to rest, relax, or be still
Let me preface this with: I have a great life. I should be very thankful for all I have, for the many blessings God has given me. I should be satisfied. But at the same time, I am feeling restless.
I'm 21. I have a full time grown up job. I pay my own rent. Make the same payment every month on my car. Pay my car insurance payments. I have a Costco membership. I. Am. Settled.
But in all truth, I feel stuck. I feel trapped. And it feels very scary.
Is this my life? Is this all there is? A job I love, go to everyday, go to the gym, come home, eat by myself, and go to bed. Get up the next morning and do it all over. Weekends? Work on Saturdays sleep in Sunday, go to church, and prepare for Monday.
I'm feeling restless. Stuck. Trapped.
But at the same time...I love what I have.
So how do I get out? How do I make a change? How do I make myself feel more...settled and content?
...not really looking for answers :) just processing.
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