The Boy: The Winter Before...

Part Four

(Read part one and part two and part three first.)

It wasn’t until January that I finally officially ended things for good. And while I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, I felt the loneliness set it.

A deep sense of loneliness.

And along with that loneliness, lots of anxiety.

Things that hadn’t bothered me before, things that I could laugh off, things that normally I would get over quickly, suddenly hit me harder than ever before.

Getting out of bed became more of a chore every day.
Sleeping was difficult.

I stopped doing things that I once found a lot of enjoyment in.

I tried to stay connected with my family and friends, but it was difficult.

And this was a feeling that I had never felt before.

But it weighted heavily on me.

I felt like a darkness had set in on my life and I wasn’t sure how to get out.

I discovered I have some deep set abandonment issues. They stem from a stressed relationship with my father and his tendency to just ‘abandon ship’ when the going got tough. And so from that, I developed a fear of being abandoned.

So, with my combination of feeling broken, abandoned, and lonely, I tried to keep what was left of my heart safe.

I pushed people away out of fear of losing what was left of my heart.

I was scared I would lose the rest of it.
It was hard to be around my family, my friends, and people that I once enjoyed spending time with. I became a different person.

My dark place was taking over my life, and I hated it.

It was Super Bowl weekend and I was trying to enjoy it with my friend and her family. That evening, I got a phone call that changed the direction my life was headed…