life and bad days.

Sometime, I just feel trapped. Trapped in my body, my life, my head, and my routines. Sometimes, I just want a change. Maybe its that I have been living and breathing VBS... maybe its that I am living at home again and feel like I am moving backwards in my life... maybe its that I have been seeing so many wedding/engagement pictures that I am just jealous of others.... maybe its that I wish I had some close friends who lived closer to me so that I could see them every day.... maybe its that I wish I wasn't lonely.

Sometimes I just have those days where I want to cry and be alone, but at the same time, I want someone to snuggle me up and just hold me. But, I've never had that, and I think that is starting to bother me. Problem is, men don't live in Silverdale, WA. Only boys... silly boys who think flat ironing their hair and buying girls pants are the most important things in life.

Sometimes I really really wish he would come back. I miss him, and having 3000 and the infrequent e-mails isn't all that satisfying.

Sometimes I wish my life would fast forward 5 years so I would be teaching school, be married to an amazing man, and have a kid on the way.....

Sometimes, I wish I would just enjoy the moment.

cancer.

My paternal grandmother died from breast cancer 2 years after I was born. I don't have any memories of her, but I hear she was a wonderful woman of the Lord and was loved by many. She has been my main connection to 'knowing someone with cancer.'

This week, I was completely floored by news that a close friend from church was diagnosed with breast cancer. She is 41, married, and has a 2nd grader and a 6th grader. She went in for her 2nd ever mammogram, right on schedule with another close church friend. One got negative results, and one turned up positive. In less than three weeks, she has been diagnosed with breast cancer, had her left breast removed, as well as 15 lymph nodes, and just got back results that 11 of those had cancer. Today was her cat scan, bone scan, and some other tests.

Cancer has never hit me this close before. I have babysat for her kids since Emily, the youngest was born. I have house sat, 3 years in a row, over Thanksgiving so that their family can go on vacation. She teaches preschool at my church. I am at a loss for words because it has hit me so hard. I cannot even imagine my own mother having breast cancer. She is an amazing woman, and I am not quite sure how I am going to live without her; she is my rock and strong hold.

I have a hard time talking about it... because all I can think about is my own mother which I know is selfish, but true. We have been praying for her, and getting updates, but I can't imagine what her and her family are going through. More will be known in the coming weeks, but for now... I guess all we can do is pray.

mixed emotions.

This was quite an interesting day.  Side note- I have been slacking on blogging only because my life is so full of Vacation Bible School right now that I am living and breathing VBS every second of every day.  That being said, it was a very interesting day.

I got to go and see my dear friend in Tacoma today.  We had quite the lovely conversation interspersed with some heartache and pain, laughter and love, and as always, some reminiscing. She is one of those people that even after not seeing for a while, things just come right back together and we don't even skip a beat... it's like we were never apart.  I think that is one way you can tell a wonderful friend... even when the world around us is changing so rapidly, our friendship never changes. 

Then I got to deal with family crap.  Sometimes I wish that I didn't live at home.  Enough said.

I hope today gets better... we shall see