tonight.

So excited...

To go bowling...

With the boy...

And enjoy some fun friend time..

Together.

So excited...

P.S. I am realizing am I am reading over my past few posts it looks like I am a yo-yo of emotions. But this is my person journal, my way of getting what is in my head out into words, so that I can process it.

So while I realize my emotions have been a yo-yo, I am okay with that. And in all actuality, they really are not. On the outside, I am very even keeled. I am pretty stoic. But when I let loose and let all of those thoughts out, they come out like a broken mess of emotions. But that is okay.

friends.

Today I was suprised by a wonderful little pick me up gift that couldn't have come at a better time. My friend Rob, who I went to college and traveled to France with, sent me a package.

Earlier this year, I sent him a cake on his birthday. He set aside his life and moved to Iowa to work as an Americops volunteer. I know that they work hard, and do great things. So, in thanks, sent him a cake.

Today, I opened a package to find a sweet card, and a home made hand made hat. It's perfect. Warmed my heart in a way he will never ever know. Touched me and made me feel loved which couldn't have come at a better time.

The love of friends is good.

tough.

Tough to find out that while I was complaining about not hearing from the Boy, he was dealing with his Grandfather having a stroke and sitting waiting to find out if he would survive.

Tough to find out while I was feeling sad, he was hurting.

Tough to find out while I was lonely, he was comforting his family.

Tough to realize I can be very selfish.

But realization is the first step to progress, right?

spoke too soon...

Apparently I spoke too soon. Every bit of communication has stopped. At least I was guarding my heart and preparing for this to happen. But it still isn't fun. However, I know I'll get over it and move on...again.

like a light switch....

Things have flipped like a light switch. I was unsure, kind of hesitant, and felt the distance growing. This week the boy was distant again, and I wasn't sure what to do.

Then Thursday, he asked me to have lunch with him in his sweet "Have lunch with me?" text. And how could I say no to that. So, we had lunch, exchanged gifts, and went our separate ways. He headed down to Vancouver to spend some time with his family, and I headed home to my family as well.

Since Thursday night, I have talked on the phone to him 6 times. Yes, actually talked on the phone. Texting is apparently back in style too. Oh, and Facebooking.

I'm trying to be cautious with my heart but here is the truth: This is what I have missed. I have missed my friend. The one who texts me when he wakes up, or when he can't sleep or when he goes to bed. The one who wants to call and tell me that he misses me. That he wishes I was there with him. Who tells me I'm beautiful. I have missed my friend that I can joke around with.

This is what I don't want to stop. I want him to be my friend. I want to care about him as my friend. I want him to care about me as his friend. And if that is all that happens, I will be just fine with that. Of course, there is still a little part in my heart that wishes he was mine and I was his if you know what I mean, but right now I am happy to have my friend back. Just like things used to be this summer before we got all complicated.

So, he is coming back home Sunday I think...and we are hanging out on Monday. He has the day off, I have the day off. Perfect. Just like it used to be.

I just hope that the light switch stays on, and doesn't suddenly turn off. Again. I like having my friend back. :)

on a different note...

Need You Now Lyrics

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin for the phone cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever crossed your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
To me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin at all

It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now

And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now

And I don't know how I can do without

I just need you now

I just need you now

Ooo, baby, I need you now

CAN'T TAKE MY EYES OFF YOU

I know that the bridges that I've burned
Along the way
Have left me with these walls and these scars
That won't go away
And opening up, has always been the hardest thing
Until you came

[Chorus]
So lay here, beside me, just hold me, and don't let go
This feeling, I'm feeling, is something I've never known
And I just can't take my eyes off you
And I just can't take my eyes off you

I love when you tell me that I'm pretty
When I just wake up
And I love how you tease me when I'm moody
But it's never too much
I'm falling fast, but the truth is I'm not scared at all
You climed my wall

So lay here, beside me, just hold me and don't let go
This feeling I'm feeling is something I've never known
And I just can't take my eyes off you
And I just can't take my eyes off you

Off you
Off you

So lay here, beside me, just hold me and don't let go
Oh this feeling, I'm feeling, is something I've never known
And I just can't take my eyes off you
And I just can't take my eyes off you

That's all. You get the point.

stress.

I was hoping that this break from school would give me some relief from some stress. But instead, I seems to keep acquiring new stress. More stress. Different stress. And I'm hoping to get rid of it sometime soon. Please.

Let's see. Stress with my family. Stress with the boy. Stress with money. Stress with living arraignments. Stress with my Dad. Stress with my Mom. Stress with friends. Stress with my other job. Stress with gift buying. Stress with lots of things.

Some things have been resolved and there is less stress. Such as my landlord relieving my stress about living arraignments and money issues related to that. So nice. Stress with friends has been relieved. Stress with gift buying is almost over. Stress with my other job is over for the break because I am not working there for the rest of my break.

So, its getting better. Less stress is good.

fun was had by all...

What a fabulous weekend. It was my birthday. My 21st birthday. Didn't think I was going to do much. Oh boy did that change.

So, the Boy put together a whole party. And fun was had by all. Maybe a little bit too much fun, as in 15x too much fun if you know what I mean.

It was a fabulous weekend. Memorable. Lessons learned. Enjoyable. Loved it all. So. Much. Fun.

I feel like I can make it through this week. And then, 15 days of bliss: Christmas Break.

new computer...

I'm hoping to win a new computer! :)

one more thing...

I don't think I can hold one more thing on my plate.

It is full.

It is overflowing.

I don't think its strong enough to hold all of this.

I'm thinking its going to start breaking down soon if something doesn't change.

I think I need a new and fresh start. Away.

But I don't think I can do that right now.

So here I wait. Trying to figure out how to make things work and not fall apart.

I don't think I'm doing so great.

new look.

So, since I needed something to keep my mind off of other things...I decided to update the look of my blog! What do you think?

missing him.

Tonight is the first night that I am missing him again. I think was mostly angry after this past rotation of him coming back into my life and then exiting swiftly. Pretty sure that's why I didn't really feel sad.

But today, I miss him.

Yep. I know it will get better. I know it will feel less painful. I know that time will help.

But tonight...I miss him.

That's all.

thankful.

This year especially, I have been humbled by how blessed I am. Working in a low-income school has really opened up my eyes to what a great and easy childhood I had. I never had to deal with hunger, homelessness, divorce, or financial woes.

I have a Savior who loves me in a crazy unrelenting way. He always has my best interest in mind and has his hand in my life. I may not always feel it, but he is near by and never leaves me.

I could not has for a more supportive and loving family. They have been there with open and loving arms no matter what.

I have the best job in the world, one that I have dreamed of since I was a little kid. I love going to work everyday and I feel like God is really using me. I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

My friends are true and strong. E is someone that I can't image my life without. I can go to her with any problem, concern, funny story, or heartache. She would drop everything and come running if I asked her too. S is that friend I can count on for sound advice on anything.

This has been a year of big changes in my life: finishing student teaching, getting a summer job, moving out, having my first relationship, getting a real adult job, buying a car, getting my heart broken, living paycheck to paycheck, and growing up.

I can't wait to see what God has in store for me in this coming year. I am blessed beyond imagine and feel so blessed for what I have.

music.

Music is the heartbeat of my life. My parents brought me up to LOVE music. It's always on...in the mornings to get me going, in my classroom all day long, when I get home to wind down, and to put me to sleep. I have grown to love all kinds of music...yes, all kinds. Growing up, we primarily listened to country music and classical/jazz.

Then, I started listening to a little bit more rock/alternative and ever sometimes...rap. Anything but screaming music.

Recently, I have been relating to quite a few songs. Maybe just a line or two, or maybe the whole song.

For example: Lady Antebellum...I would highly recommend "All We'd Ever Need". Watch out...if you have recently had your heart broken I say bring some kleenex. Also, "Need you Now." Again, broken heart people...watch out.

Then there is Taylor Swift. I relate to ALL of her songs. There is some piece that just gets me. Her new Platinum Edition of Fearless? All 6 are great. Her piano version of Forever and Always is my life in a nut shell. Untouchable? Great. The Other Side of the Door? Just want to post the words on my forehead. Come in with the Rain? Oh that song how it gets to me.

Then if we move into a little bit more alternative...Owl City. New favorites. Fireflies is just a great song. And then Vanilla Twilight has to go and make me cry again. Do you see a pattern? :)

Boys Like Girls "Love Drunk" is always a good one to listen to really loud... All American Rejects as well.

Music runs through my veins...its the heart beat in my life. If you ever need a suggestion for a song to make you feel better, get you revved up, make you think, enjoy a celebration, make a mix for Christmas, I am your person. :)

oh you bring.

Oh God. You always seem to know exactly what I need right when I need it. You show yourself in a tangible way that lets me know I am not alone. That what I am doing and what I am up against is for your glory. That what I am doing is not done for nothing, but is done to praise you. Music is such a big part of my life and I feel like this song has been my anthem recently.

Oh You bring hope to the hopeless

And light to those in the darkness

And death to life

Now I'm alive

Oh You give peace to the restless

And joy to homes that are broken

I see You now

In You I'm found

And You opened the door for me

And You laid down

Your life to set me free

All that I am will serve You Lord

And You opened my eyes to see

All the wonder and awe of Christ in me

Jesus You're everything I need

Oh You fill those who are empty

And rescue those in the valley

And through it all You calm my soul

Oh You find me in my weakness

And heal the wounds of my heartache

I worship You in spirit and truth

All honour

All glory

All praise to You

Today, God gave me exactly what I needed. A reason to keep on going. I had a parent come in who had to sign some IEP paperwork, so he stopped in to meet me. Never met him before, but he came up to me and said, "It's so nice to meet the person who is having such a huge influence on my son's life. We have seen so many positive and good changes since he started in your classroom. Thank you so much for all you are doing."

Wow. That could not have come at a better time. When life is crazy, I'm preparing for conferences, staying up super late getting things ready, and living and breathing school. This is exactly what I needed to hear to push me through the next week. I can make it.

Thank you God helping me to feel your arms around me.

oh life.

People always say how God will never give us more than we can handle. I am trying to believe that is true. And I know it is, but I am feeling challenged right now.

Challenged emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally.

School is challenging me right now in ways I never thought it would. Worrying about my kids and just having to trust that God knows my kids and is taking care of them.

Physically, I have been pushing myself at the gym to the point of being sore every day. I feel like there isn't a point in between being sore and not being sore. I just am. Always. Which is good, but its been challenging.

Spiritually, I feel like I am being stretched, tested, challenged, and I'm trying to figure out how to be on the mission and live my life for God every day. I feel like I am growing, but I also feel like sometimes I am not being a good witness. Like I am compromising my faith.

The boy is still on the front of my mind and heart. It still hurts really really bad. Some events transpired last night and today that make me both excited and nervous about reconciling. But I am so unsure. I don't want to get hurt again.

So, life has been kind of challenging right now. And then I look at some of my students who are in survival mode and I think my life is pretty darn easy compared to them. But I feel like I am being stretched and growing, but is good. Doesn't mean it isn't painful.

I am just praying to make it through the next two weeks. If I can persevere and push through till the 26th, I'll be okay. I think.

verses.

~THE LORD IS CLOSE TO THE BROKENHEARTED & SAVES THOSE

WHO ARE CRUSHED IN SPIRIT.~

PSALMS 34:18

think about these things.

There was a song that we used to sing in Junior High Youth Group called "Think about these things." It was based on the Bible verse Philippians 4:8~

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.

That verse has been swirling in my head recently.

And then there was church. Oh church... I just love it. Yesterday was the conclusion of our "Kings and Queens" sermon series, and even though it was all about marriage and kids, it spoke Right. To. Me.

Kari, our pastor's wife, was talking about her life and relationships. And she said that after her engagement ended, and all her friends left, she had to be all alone. And it was when she was all alone, she realized she wasn't. She focused on Psalm 37:4~ Delight in the Lord and he will bring you the desires of your heart.

Delight in the Lord and he will bring you the desires of your heart.

Delight in the Lord and he will bring you the desires of your heart.

So my new goal, or focus, is to delight myself in the Lord. How do I even do that??? So I did some searching...and I found these two verses

Psalm 40:8~I delight to do your will, O my God, and your law is within my heart.

Romans 7:22~ From in my inner being I delight in God's law.

He knows the desires of my heart. He knows.

Right now, its just me and him. Him and me. And I will delight in him wholeheartedly. With my Whole. Heart.

Delight in the Lord and he will bring you the desires of your heart.

Delight in the Lord and he will bring you the desires of your heart.

bad blogger.

My life has been so crazy...blogging has been shoved to the bottom of my HUGE to do list!

So lets see....what has been new in my life:

School: I love being a teacher. It is the most rewarding, crazy, exhausting, wonderful, tiring, challenging, exciting job I think I could ever have. I have had some crazy experiences so far, some very hard situations, stress beyond belief, and some very rewarding breakthroughs with my students. I love every minute of it.

The Boy: I broke up with him. Very painful, and not entirely sure it was the best decision. But I think it was. Maybe.

Friends: Seen E quite a bit recently...which is so good. She seems to be the glue that helps to hold me together. Just talked with S on the phone...gosh I miss her! She is such a good moral compass in my life.

Family: Being in good contact with Kyle recently...and got to hang out with Kevin last night. The rest of the fam is good.

Sorry this is so brief, but I have so much to do today! I promise I will try and be better! :)

yes, i am still alive

I promise.

But these last few weeks have Rocked My World.

Let me make a list:

School: Wow. Wow. Wow. I work in a Title I school...which means that over 50 percent of the students receive free or reduced lunch. Thing is, a lot of the student's parents get paid under the table so they can't qualify. 2/3 of my class live in the low-income apartments next door. I had open house...and 4 parents came. Out of my 24 students. Sad.

I have a student who has been in the psych unit. One who's dad is on death row. One who's mom is blind in one eye because his Dad kicked her in the face. One who lives in her car. One who's Mom was busted in a Craigslist prostitution ring. One with 15 siblings. One who gets her 5 brothers and sisters ready every morning. The list just goes on.

So I am definitely feeling the challenge and the need to just love these children. Love them and care about them and embrace their dreams and goals for life.

More to come.

Family: Kyle got his tonsils taken out...and is living on his own doing that. We'll see how he survives. Kris got his braces taken off and is growing about a mile a minute. Kevin is looking so OLD. I got to hang out with him and Matt (his best friend) and they are such little men! Parents are good and have been supportive.

The Boy: Kinda crazy. We're 'dating' but not. Confusing enough. Good. He's pretty great, has been an anchor for me during these crazy weeks. He is a support system, a friend, a confident, someone who knows how to make me laugh and relax, and also someone to just feel safe with. It's good. And things are good. And I want it to stay just like it is right now.

So, life has been kinda crazy and my blog has taken a bit of a back seat. Now that things are going to hopefully settle down a bit... I will update more. But until then...

Lord, please be with me during these challenging days of school. Be with my students and let me show them your love. Work in my heart...and in the boy's. Be with me. You provide and I trust in you. I called..you answered...and you came to my rescue...and I want to be where you are. Amen.

1 day down...179 to go.

I have officially completed my first day as a teacher. And I am exhausted. Good thing I am back up at 5:00 ready to go to day 2.

This weekend I will update on my adventures in the 5th grade which include a student bringing drugs to school, hearing how 1 students dad is on death row, finding out that my students families could all be on Jerry Springer with their 15 brothers and sisters all with different moms, and me feeling like I have really found my calling and am living on the mission. The fact that I get to be a part of these students lives and hopefully have a positive influence on them just blows me away.

I will be with these students more than their parents. We will learn together, grow together, probably cry together, have laughter fill our classroom, and hopefully 5th grade at Woodlands in the year 2009-2010 will be a great year.

I think it is going to be wonderful. More to come on days 1 and 2 soon!

GOD IS GOOD.

This is my first post where anything in my title is capitalized. The reason?

God continues to provide for me, He continues to show me how amazing he is. He continues to challenge me to trust him fully. He continues to show me He is GOOD.

Let me back up.

Since I was 13, I have wanted to be a teacher. My passion for kids has not wavered since then. I started volunteering in the classroom in 7th grade, and did throughout high school. My 10th grade year I opted to do 'running start' which meant that I left high school and took all of my classes at the local community college. During those two years, I was able to work full time, and volunteer every day in elementary schools.

I graduated from college the week before I graduated from high school. That being said, it was hard. People told me I couldn't do it. I was too young, I was going to miss out on high school, it wasn't possible.

I went to college in Seattle where I thought I would be able to get the best education possible for a teacher. Worked my tail off to graduate in 2 years double majoring. Fought like crazy to do my student teaching back in my hometown with my former 3rd and 4th grade teacher. Fell in love with my first set of students and knew I was hooked for life.

My last day of student teacher, I was offered a 2 month long term subbing position in the classroom next door. The day I finished that position, I was offered a month long sub position next door. I then worked as a sub for the last few weeks of school.

The surrounding districts cut teachers, closed schools and started striking. In all this, I had a real peace about the coming fall. And I know that that peace could only come from Him cause God knows that I am not that patient. :)

I applied for all 6 jobs that opened up and then tried to wait patiently remembering that God had me under his wings and I was in his sights. He remembered me.

Got an interview right off the bat for a position that I was not qualified for. However, the interview was a great experience and I am so glad that I did it. When I got the call that I didn't get the position, I was disappointed but okay.

A month went by and August rolled around without anything happening.

Then, you may remember my crazy first week of August which I wrote about here. Interviewed on a crazy crazy day and felt okay about it.

The next week I got the call that I did not get the position. Another lady who had very close connections with the school was offered. It did make me feel a bit better that I had even had an interview because over 100 people applied and only 3 were interviewed.

I felt like I started to question God; why didn't I have a job yet? I wanted to teach so badly and I wanted to be in the classroom this year.

One week ago, I got a call from my principal who offered me a substitute position that could turn into a part time position teaching Kindergarten PE/Art/Music. I was excited because it meant I would have my foot in the door and could be doing something school related. Again, God was all over it. I was reminded of the verse "Be still and know that I am God." I tried to be patient.

Then through a crazy turn of events, the 5th grade spot that I had not gotten dissolved. So Michelle was moved and there was no longer that position available. Except. God is Good.

I had a little bit of a pity party when Michelle got the other position. I doubted. I tried to remember to be patient.

Last Friday at the rodeo, I got 3 phone calls. Because of all the noise, I didn't answer. So, Saturday morning I called Cindy back and she said that the parent gossip was that they let Michelle go too early and they were going to need a 5th grade teacher. That information came to Cindy by one of my former teachers who was looking out for me. God is good.

I woke up Monday to go and meet a teacher to talk about the sub job for Kindergarten. That was my plan, not Gods. He had bigger and better plans for me.

Low and behold, at 8:49, Jeff called me and offered me the 5th grade teaching position at Woodlands Elementary. God is good. He is constant, he does not forget, He is good.

So I am writing this post the night before my career officially starts. I started it last night, worked on it this morning, and am just now finishing it. Probably because I have been so dang busy!

That being said, I have the best and most supportive family and friends. My bestie drove 45 minutes without telling me, and showed up at my front door. She brought me balloons, a gift and the best talking card ever. She took me out to dinner and it was wonderful. She is so thoughtful.

Then, the boy came to my classroom on his day off and helped me do everything. Literally. When I walked into my classroom I had a pile of desks. And that was it. He helped me organized them, moved them, hang things up on the wall, clean, organize, and so much more. He is such a big support and encouragement for me right now and I couldn't live without it. Or him.

Today, I met so many teachers; the only word to describe it is whirlwind. Went out to breakfast with the fam (another tradition), and then spent the day getting things ready, meeting MY STUDENTS at the BBQ, and figuring what the heck I am going to teach!

And now, in the quiet and still of my apartment, before I start my career I am praising my savior for being ever present, ever constant, all knowing, and the one true God.

Tomorrow is a big day for me and I am slightly, no...really nervous. However, I am also so excited that I can hardly stand it.

I am a teacher. God is good all the time. All the time, God is good. God is GREAT.

baseball.

Oh how my heart likes baseball.

I was thinking the other day about how I came to love baseball, and its actually kind of a funny story. See, I grew up with a house full of guys. With 3 brothers and my Dad, you would think someone would be into sports. Apparently not.

So, I was in 8th grade and I was really sick. Like for...a long time. Every day, I would come home and get into bed. I was going to bed at 9, getting up at 6, and I could sleep all afternoon. My body hated me.

So everyday, I would come home, get into bed, and turn on KOMO 1000 to listen to some good talk radio before I passed out. I would turn it up ridiculously loud and somehow it worked as white noise and I would sleep so well. My stomach would feel better, and I would be able to eat dinner, do homework, and then go right back to sleep.

Well, shortly after I started this tradition, KOMO stopped broadcasting and became the home of the Seattle Mariners. I was upset. How was I going to sleep now?

I started turning off the radio as soon as it would switch to the Mariners and just sleeping without it. But after a while I just left it on. And that's when it started. I started not sleeping so that I could listen.

I was intrigued. It was so exciting! I researched the players, the teams, starting reading about the M's in the newspaper, and went to my first game.

Instant chemistry between me and the Seattle Mariners. I was hooked. Obsessed. I got stat books, read every article in the paper, listened to all of the games, and got my first Mariners shirt.

Fast forward to the year 2009. I have 9 Mariners shirts...one for every day of the week, one to sleep in, and one to work out in. Spent my last spring break in Peoria, Arizona at Spring Training. Been to upwards of 40 games. This year, 18 so far. I've seen players come and go. Trades made that I don't like. Trades made that I think are fantastic. Saw King Felix make his opening M's debut. Cried when Bloomquist was traded. Cried when Boone retired. Made good friends with the Wilson family. Yes, Dan Wilson and family. Cheered the day Griffey returned. Been through many a manager. And I love it. All of it.

My name is Katie and I am a Seattle Mariners Fan.

traditions.

Today was a great care free kind of day.

Woke up...and then went back to sleep. Greatest feeling.

Had a lazy morning, checking Facebook, texting, talking to the bestie, drinking tea, and just relaxing. Went over to my parents house and grabbed a few things before I went and had coffee with and friend from High School. We haven't actually talked in YEARS. As in like... 6. And now she is married, and its kinda crazy. But it was great to catch up and I think we will probably be doing that on a pretty frequent basis now.

Then it was off to the grand of Fair and Stampede with the family. It's tradition. It's tradition that we walk through the Pavilion and look at all the gadgets. It's tradition that we eat Papa Murphey's pizza on the benches in front of the dog show area. It's tradition that one of us buys cotton candy and the rest of us eat it all. It's tradition that we sing loudly before the rodeo starts. That we cringe during the bull riding. That we laugh hysterically at the clowns.

Family traditions. My mom made a comment while we were walking around that kinda freaked me out. She asked if she could bring my kids to the fair and have a Nana day with them so my husband and I could go out. I just LOVE when she says things like that. That was dripping with sarcasm by the way. Although, I am so glad that my parents are excited about grand kids in the future. The far far future. :)

I really hope that when I do have kids I can establish some of the same and some new family traditions.

And now I am home... showered to try and stop the allergic reaction from the rodeo. Sucks to be allergic to animals...and dust...and hay.... cause I took four benadryl and my normal medications and I still feel like someone filled my sinuses up with glue. I also have a nice collection of hives right now. So fun. :)

Off to bed...looking forward to tomorrow. Work, then BASEBALL. Get to see the bestie too which is great. Oh yea, and the boy. :)

honesty.

I think I have been avoiding my blog.

The reason? I have to be honest on here. When I write in my 'journal' to myself, I have to be honest. And sometimes honesty hurts. Sometimes, its painful to be honest with yourself. Sometimes, it hurts to write down what you are thinking because it makes it so much more real.

Honesty.

So here is a sampling of what I have been thinking about:

The boy

The bestie

Parents

Brothers

Mariners (when am I not thinking about them?) :)

Work

School

The Future

My Faith

Weight Loss

Stress

Money

Timing

Music

Virtues

Respect

Standards

Being an adult

Serving

Compassion

Cooking

Pain

Reading

Wisdom

Photography

Dates

Coffee

Forgiveness

Unconditional Love

Yes, it is a list. Yes, all of those things have been on my mind recently along with a million other things. Maybe that is why I have had a hard time sleeping...my mind won't shut off and stop thinking about all these things, it just keeps going and going and going...

Obviously a lot of these subjects are related to each other and are related to different things going on in my life.

I don't know if I can actually process any of these things tonight and write coherently about them. But I will do a few bullets...cause you know, I have a love affair with lists.

• Krislyn recently wrote about a few books she has been reading, and I have been reading the same ones. She is actually the person who got me into blogging, and I am SO thankful for that! So, recently I have been reading Crazy Love, Lady in Waiting, Getting Married, and Love Languages for Singles. All on recommendations from other bloggers! I am loving reading these books and I am looking forward to writing more about them!
• I read this blog, and recently Jordan has been talking about her 'boy' and boy did I relate to her last post about her boy. Yep, kinda feeling like someone threw back the covers on me when I wasn't expecting it. Did that analogy work?
• Also cried reading her other post here. My older younger brother is starting high school on Wednesday, and I can't even image when he starts college, I am going to be a mess. I feel so blessed to have stayed close to him and to home where I can keep an eye out for him, as well as get all the good insight into his world of being a teenage boy. He tells me about his crushes, his hurts, what makes him mad, and he melts my heart. He can always cheer me up and is Mr. Personality. Can't believe his is growing up so fast. I mean, behind the wheel of the car already? I still remember his sitting on the 25 cent horse in front of Walmart. Or for that matter, teaching him how to crawl behind the rubber duck. He's kinda special to me. He should just stop growing up.
• The boy. Oh the BOY. Not exactly sure about all of that right now. Friends? Yes, for sure. In fact, I had a crappy night a few days ago, and he just came over and held me. We didn't have to say anything, we didn't have to do anything, he just stroked my hair, let me vent/cry when I needed to, and would ever so often gently squeeze me just to let me know he was there. And the occasional kiss on the forehead but I seriously felt better after he was here. Calmed my soul down a bit. But that is where the problem comes in. I miss him when he's not here. I miss him when I don't see him. Or like tonight where I haven't texted with him in 4 hours. I miss him, and I can't get him off my mind. I just miss him. Period.
• There will be more on the boy, don't worry. I just need to change subjects for a few bullets. :)
• The bestie is currently match.com dating. Personally, I think its a little strange. But kinda hilarious. I love reviewing her matches with her and then figuring out who she should click 'not interested' and who she should 'wink' at. She's had a couple of regular real dates which is great for her. I'm happy that she's enjoying herself and is out of other bad situations.
• The Mariners. Win three games in a row, and then loose. Not good. But, I am SUPER excited that I am going to the game Saturday. Super Duper Excited. The boy got me tickets so the Bestie, her 'friend' and the boy and I are going. Super excited. And against KC which means my favorite Mariner will be back in town! Willie Bloomquist!!!
• So, it looks like I do indeed have a job. It will start as a substitute position, and then hopefully I will be 'officially' hired by the end of the month. There is a lot of room for changes and additions, but right now I will be teaching Kindergarten PE/Art/Music, and a few other things possibly. Should be GREAT!
• The gym work has been great. And nannying. But man I have been tired! Working is good though, it keeps me busy and gives me a purpose for my day. And I get to make some money to pay my rent!

I think that is all I can muster up for now. I have finished my tea, written a very long blog post, and now it is time for me to crash! I get to sleep in a bit tomorrow which will be a nice change of pace from getting up at 6 these last few days!

Tomorrow I have a coffee date with an old friend and I am so looking forward to reconnecting with her and possibly finding a small group to connect with as well. It will be great.

Then the fam and I are off to the grand old Fair and Rodeo! And the boy MAY be coming with us. We shall see how that works out...but I think it would be great if he could come.

Saturday I am working and have the M's game... Sunday is CHURCH. So good...and I'm really really really really hoping the boy will come with me to Church. Cause that would be G-R-E-A-T.

And then the week starts again. And it is going to be super duper crazy. CRAZY.

Oh my life. Love it. Wouldn't want it any other way. A roller coast, right? :)

shuffle.

In this post, I will not be talking about:

~the boy

~crazy emotions

~work

~anything deep

But what I will be writing about, is my love for music. And currently, my love for the shuffle button. Whoever created that button, my love goes out to you.

You just click shuffle and your i-pod creates this great collection of all your music creatively mixed together in no particular order. Who cares if the Black Eyed Peas come right after a Praise song? Pop and Country mixed together? Yes, it is the best.

I think one of my favorite things about shuffle is that I get to listen to a lot of my music that I normally wouldn't pick at all. But, because all I have to do is click one button and there is absolutely no work involved in it for me, I love it. Except when Tony Bennett's Winter Wonderland comes on, then I do have to interrupt its flow and click NEXT.

In recent weeks, (and I am not eluding to ANYTHING that I mentioned that I wouldn't mention) I have had music going all the time. One of the the great things about having my own place is there is no one to tell me to turn it down, or turn it off at 2 AM. I can keep it going whenever I want. But I digress.

My parents definitely instilled in me a love for music. I love music. And the great thing is, in the recent years, I have come to love all kinds of music. Well....maybe not ALL all kinds, but for the most part, I am up for anything.

Music does something for me that nothing else can do. It's just enough that it doesn't fill my head, but it helps things to process. I can almost always find a song that describes how I am feeling. But since I am not mentioning the boy, I won't share what songs recently have been going through my head. They are a crazy mixture right now.

So, I will leave you with that. Music is a huge part of my life. A constant. A place that I find myself being able to think. Which currently, is very important. But I'm not going there in this post. Love it.

you never let go.

I just knew that Church would be good for me. This morning while getting ready I was listening to Rescue by the Desperation Band. What a fantastic song. If blogger would let me, I would load up a video of this song, but it won't. Technical difficulty. And since I am so tired, I am not going to try currently. :) Here are the lyrics:

You are the source of the life
I can’t be left behind
No one else will do
I will take hold of You

I need You Jesus
To come to my rescue
Where else can I go
There’s no other name by
Which I am saved
Capture me with grace
I will follow You

This world has nothing for me
I will follow You
This world has nothing for me
I will follow You

This is one of those songs I can listen to over and over and I feel so much comfort each time. Then, at church we sang You never let Go. Again, if blogger would let me, it would be up here in video form. But you are just going to have to look it up all on your own. Here are the words:

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back
I know You are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Chorus:
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth

Chorus:

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

God is good. While I still feel like my heart hurts a little bit, I know I am going to be okay. I know that I will get through this. I know that everything the boy said is actually smart and a good idea and probably the best for everyone, but I am also disappointed, and kinda upset that I let myself get this invested so soon. I think things will get better with time. Who knows, things could change again. But we shall see.

In the sermon today, Jeff was talking about how God never moves. He is always in the drivers seat, and we are the ones that move away from being near to him, and slide our way over in the seat, and eventually end up not even in the car anymore. We move away from God, he doesn't move from us.

God, please help me to move close to you, and to feel your presence. I love you with all my heart and want to live for you. I want to be a good and faithful servant. You have captured me with Grace, and I will follow you. Amen.

a few stones left.

So maybe it didn't all come crashing down.

He left, and then a few hours later after he cleared his head, he called. So I went and saw him. I think this is the conclusion we have come to.

He just got out of a long-term relationship. And that is weighing heavily on him right now. We need to just cool it for a while.

Stay friends: YES. No question about that.

Relationship: We both need some time and space before we would start that.

It was good to just sit and talk with him. Then he held my hand during the movie we watched. Then I fell asleep cause my head hurt so much from processing...and now I am extremely tired.

But I'm off to church which is good. And he's in Alaska for the day. Yes, Alaska.

So it didn't all come crashing down. Just maybe in my heart a little. I think that I really need to work on 'guarding my heart' a little bit more. Problem is, I think I have already invested emotions into this and its hard to now step back and guard myself. I always dive head first into things and give 100% so backing off is hard. I like to invest myself in my friends and their well-being, so stepping back and away from such a great friend is hard. But necessary.

And Cherry, thank you so much for praying for me. That is one of the crazy weird things about blogging is that this is kind of my personal journal, but to know that others I don't even know are praying for me is amazing. The strength of the Lord is amazing.

Lord, help me to guard my heart. Help me to get some perspective. Help me to listen to people in my life who I trust and value their opinions. Help me to depend more on you. Amen.

and it all came crashing down.

I knew this was going to happen. I just knew it. There was a piece of me that worried that this was going to happen...and now it has.

Kinda feel like my heart is slightly ripped out of my chest. Or maybe someone is stabbing it. But I do know that there is pain.

He said he never wanted to hurt me, and right now I am feeling hurt.

Or maybe more disappointed. Maybe just a huge amount of emotions are rushing all over me right now.

I haven't cried in months. Actually... like a year. As soon as I shut the door tonight and he left, I burst out in tears. Not just a few. Sobbing, crazy tears.

Part of that I think is good, and part of it is not so good.

He just texted me and now I can't breath again. And here come the tears back.

and it all came crashing down.

cleaning.

I've been doing a lot of cleaning recently. Cleaning my apartment, cleaning out my head, cleaning up messes I've made, and cleaning up pasts.

I purposefully try and be confusing by the way. :)

I spent about 4 hours cleaning my 800 sq foot apartment. Good thing it isn't a lot bigger or I would be in big trouble! But, in my defense, I did major cleaning and organizing after being on the road/house sitting/at camp/taking care of kids/working crazy amounts of time for the past month. And I feel soo much better!

Made a stop at the elementary school today and it felt so good to be back in the building. Slightly bittersweet at the same time because it really makes it feel like summer is over. I don't really feel like I got that much summer because I never got really tan! Oh well.

Also got to write a note explaining my large cell phone bill. That would be cleaning up the messes I've made. Just what I've always wanted to do. Darn it.

I am currently doing 4 loads of laundry... do I really have that many clothes?!?! I don't think so...

So, the boy is stopping by for 'a bit' tonight. I don't know what a bit means but I'm guessing he won't be here long. Darn. Tomorrow I think I am going down to see him in Tacoma... which will be fun. And since I have to be back home to go to Church, I have to leave somewhat early. Somewhat.

I'm feeling really good right now. Oh YEAH...I talked to Patrick today! He's still in Hawaii, trying to get out of the Army, still dating a girl who could be him MOM, still smoking, and drinking way too much. Yuck.

I'm off to try and get somewhat cleaned up. Somewhat.

I'm tired though... kinda really tired actually. Maybe time for a nap? We'll see... :)

important people.

So tonight I met the boy's sister and niece. I had already met his brother in law and nephew. Then, I also got to meet his brother in laws parents. Crazy.

But it got me to thinking: I don't really have any family to introduce him to. Not real family at least. If I were going to introduce him to anyone, it would probably be close family friends. But I don't think we are at that point yet.

He made a comment tonight about how we're "not even dating...we're just friends".... and that is true. But I don't know...it kinda hurt to hear! Weird...I know. Because I want him to be single, but I want him to be mine as well! Now I see why guys think that girls are so confusing....I think I'm confusing!

Other than that, it was a long day at the gym. I think I am starting to get anxious about the fact that I don't have a job. One of my favorite verses has started coming back into my head again, "Be still and know that I am God." I need to work on trusting.

Lord, please help me to trust you. Help me to be still and know that you are God. Know that you are in control. Know that you remember me and care about me. Know that I am in your precious care. Know that I am loved by the highest King and I will always be your princess. Amen.

living.

Last night was exactly what I needed. After a week at cancer camp, house sitting, being Mom to 3 girls for 5 days, and working in between all of that...I needed that girls night!

Bestie and I had a great time. We made the "Only Cake", texted the boy, went out to the Melting Pot, watched Sex and the City, laid in bed and talked about life, and then slept in this morning.

I was then hit by the harsh reality that I had to come back down to real work when I stepped into work this morning. :)

But, it was great while it lasted.

Had some good clarity and words of wisdom given to me about the boy. He's still slightly in this annoying funk but he's coming over tonight to talk. And that we will. I feel like I need some answers on a few things he has said recently as well as some concerns I have. And we may snuggle as well. But only after the talking, because you know how the snuggling goes to my head. :)

I kinda sorta got offered a job yesterday. It would be teaching Kindergarten PE/Art/Music at my school. Thing is, it may start out as a sub position, and then turn into a real contracted spot. And it may not. Things are really up in the air, but at least its a spot.

Well, the boy just txted me and my head is slightly spinning at the thought of him coming over... staying strong. I'm feeling good. Actually great.

I feel like I am finally living. :)

staying strong.

Good day today :)

The boy is still out of town and its been good for some clarity in my mind. I am feeling pretty good about things and I'm feeling strong. Strong to resist the temptations.

Had a fabulous day with the girls today. SO MUCH FUN. It's almost like having 3 younger sisters.

SUPER EXCITED FOR GIRL'S NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. My bestie and I have the best time ever together. Chocolate cake, mandarin oranges, fettuccine, and Sex and the City...maybe go an see 'The Ugly Truth'. Love having girl time. My bestie and I hanging out, couldn't get any better than that. :)

black and white vs. gray

My head is having a hard time working right now.... because its mostly focused on one thing. The boy. But here's the deal. I need to be really honest with myself right now, and since this has been the way that I have been processing, its going to happen right here on the blog.

I used to always think that things in a relationship would be black and white. That boundaries, both physical mental, spiritual and verbal, would be black and white. For example: (of COURSE I am going to make a list)

Saying I love you: wouldn't happen for a long time. Love is something that takes a long time to grow.

Kissing: Minimum for a while, gradually more as time progressed (as in like.... a LONG time)

Hands: Wouldn't happen to me... hands would stay off of certain areas, and that's all there was to it.

Things would move slowly: It would not be fast for me... I would want things to move at a very gradual pace.

Sex: Not until marriage. Period.

But here is what is scarring me. Now that I am in it, and not just watching it, things seems so...... gray. There is no better way of putting it.

No I have not slept with him, and I am not planning on it. But there again, I am feeling gray on other issues that I never even thought about before.

Gray. It's a really hard area!

This past Sunday, one of the points made in the sermon was about lust. Run away from lust. RUN. Far far away. Previous to the boy, that was easy. Now that the boy is in my life, not so easy. Since that time, I have found that saying going over and over in my head and thinking that maybe I am putting myself into situations where I am actually running towards it, instead of away from it and that freaks me out. Big time.

Today in church, we sang one of my favorite songs "He can move the Mountains." There is a line in that song that goes

So take me as you find me... all my fear and failures... fill my life again. I give my life to follow... every thing I believe in... now I surrender... I surrender.

My mind and my heart are battling it out. And I'm not sure who is winning or who I actually want to win. I feel so happy and so... good. But at the same time, I don't know if I am filling my life with the wrong thing. I feel so close to God right now, and I love that feeling. But I feel so close to the boy as well and I like that too!

The boy and I were talking the other night about standards and whatnot again, and I was really glad we did. However, the gray is messing with my black and white. For instance: napping. Okay just on the couch or is the bed okay? I don't know anymore! I told him I would have to think about that one... but I think that if I said yes, that would be running TOWARD lust and not away from it!

But here's the thing: I am very firmly grounded in my beliefs. I just never had to consider these types of things. Today's sermon was about being a leader and living by example. And I want to do that: live by example. Which again makes things SO gray!

But at the same time, I like the boy. A lot. And he makes me want to be a better person. And he makes me want to strengthen my faith and be closer to God. He challenges me to be who I am and I like that. Can you see why I tossed and turned last night while sleeping???

Maybe another part of my head spinning is that I am feeling very grown up right now. I know, totally cliche, but I really am. I feel very much like an adult right now... probably because I am. :) My bestie thought she was pregnant. She isn't but it was kind of a reality check...for both of us. I am living my life and this is it!

Which lead me to this: I am living my life for God, and loving it right now. I love it. I like having someone in my life who makes me happy in new ways, makes me feel extra special, makes me feel like a princess. I like having someone to confide in, who sends me a smilie text just because he feels like it, who brings me lunch at work just so he can see me for 5 minutes, who cuts out onions from his diet so I don't die when he kisses me, who takes 10 extra minutes saying goodnight, and who wants me to be a part of his life for a long time. I love it.

So, I'm working on the black and white versus gray issues right now. And let me tell you, it will be a long time before I will have them figured out. But until then, I'm going to stick with my gut instincts and go with black and white. That way, I won't regret something I do, I won't get myself into trouble, I won't send mixed signals, and I won't feel like I am contradicting what I believe.

Sound like a plan? I hope so...and I am going to do my best to follow it.

Lord, please help me to make good choices. Help me to be a witness for you, and to live by example. Fill my life again. I give my life to follow. Everything I believe in.... I SURRENDER. Take control of my heart. Be near to me. I pray this in your everlasting name, Amen.

firsts.

Recently I have had quite the list of first in my life. And, since you know my love for all things lists, I am going to make you another one. Yep, I do really love lists.

1. First time living really on my own: I LOVE IT. When I lived at SPU, I did the dorm thing, then the on-campus apartment...then off to my families house which I loved, but I never really was out on my own. Now, living in my own apartment, paying rent and loving every minute of it. It is really starting to feel like home now that I have my bookcase up. I put all of my little trinkets and whatnots out and it feels more like I actually live there. I think once I finish putting my bedroom all together and stop jumping house to house it will feel even more like home.

2. First time dealing with a friend's pregnancy scare: I guess it makes me feel like I am here and grown up. Crazy. My bestie could be pregnant. I don't think that she is, but there is a possibility. That would completely blow my mind.

3. First time feelings: I have had a huge amount of firsts in the feelings department recently. Feeling excited to have the boy in my life. Feeling nervous to have the boy in my life. Feeling crazy happy to have the boy in my life. Feeling like I could possibly get my heart broken and trying to guard it. Feeling like I need to be super careful with what I do and say so that I don't get into this too far and then pull away quickly. Feeling like my life is finally starting and I am truly enjoying it. Feeling like I need God more and more each day to keep me centered and grounded and my head on straight. Feeling like I am falling for someone like I have never fallen for anyone before. Feeling like I may actually really like the boy a lot more than I realize. Feeling scared out of my mind that I am feeling these kinds of thing.

4. First kiss: enough said. Except for the minor allergic reaction to the boy eating onions before that. Other than that... enough said. :)

5. First time loosing weight all on my own: yep, down two sizes and proud of it. And its just been through eating better (and less) and exercising. Well, working too.

6. First time keeping big things from people that I would like for them to know but I don't really want to tell them right now: Confusing enough? That's what I thought. We'll just keep it that way.

7. First time feeling really.....alive?: Again, confusing. But its kind of true. I feel like I have a spark, or a new kind of joy. A joy for all the firsts. Love it.

So, I feel like there will most likely be many more first in my life, but currently, I am loving the firsts list. Life. Is. Good.

60.

this marks my 60th post. A lot has happened in those 60 posts.

Currently, a lot is happening in my life.

Let me recap my last week.

Sunday: Thought I was going to be leaving for camp. Totally had mixed feelings about it too which is weird. Mixed feelings because I wanted to go to camp, but I didn't want to leave him. Well, camp was delayed due to the Norovirus. So, went over for orientation and came home. Good and bad. :)

Monday: Hung out...ran errands... saw the boy... 3 times... got a phone call for an interview..no big deal. :) Freaked out a bit and then found out that I was going to have to leave camp, and then return.

Tuesday: Headed out for camp... again with the weird mixed feelings! But, headed out, picked up Pete, and drove to Eatonville. It felt so good to be there and to prepare my heart for an emotional roller coaster of a week... or rather, a few days.

Wednesday: Families arrived, and we took off. It was crazy, amazing, fun, inspirational, heartbreaking fun. So so so good. Minus the soaking wet carpets which in turn made our cabin smell like mildew. Worked wonders on my allergies.

Thursday: Left camp before breakfast to head out. Oh, Dan Wilson prayed for me. Yep. That Dan. Drove on I-5 for the first time...and 512... and 161. Great fun. :) Got home, prayed, took a shower, and then the power went out. So, who do I call? The boy. Turns out it wasn't just at my place. It was all of Silverdale. Oh and Bremerton. And parts of Thurston and Pierce Counties. Not so good when I have soaking wet hair and 2 hours before an interview for a job. So, the boy came over and made me feel better by waiting it out with me and telling me I would do great... and then the power did not come back on. Which means I had to find SOMEWHERE where I could dry and straighten my hair. I came up with the brilliant idea that Safeway would have to have power. Now, it normally takes me about 7 minutes to get from my apartment to Safeway. Not today. Not today. It took me 25 minutes because people do not know what to do when there are no stop lights. Pulled into Safeway...and the power returned. Again, not good. Not really wanting to dry my hair in the public and less than sanitary bathroom of Safeway, I thought that I would go over to the library and dry my hair. I didn't have enough time to make it home and dry my hair and be back so I thought the library would be ideal considering its large private bathroom and I know the ladies at the front desk. Pulled in ready to go with my blow dryer and straightener, and it has a big sign on the front door. "Closed due to power outage" I believe I may have said a bad word at this point. Then, being the BRILLIANT thinker that I am, I realized that I should probably just cross the street and go into the hair salon where I get my hair cut! I could use their outlet, it wouldn't look weird for me to be doing my hair there, and it was about 30 seconds away from the building I needed to be at. So, I marched in, and she actually ended up doing it for me. Bless her with my whole being. With 15 minutes to spare I took a few deep breaths before I walked into the administrative building, checked in, and then sat awkwardly in the chairs waiting for my turn. The interview turned out to be very relaxed which I enjoyed. 30 minutes later I was back at it. Stopped by to see the boy quickly, and he surprised me with AMAZING seats to the Mariner's game.... so super thoughtful, isn't he? Especially considering that he doesn't like baseball that much. Got back on the freeway, drove back to camp, and made it just in time for some chapel and dinner. Updated the Wilson's and every other person at camp about my interview, cause somehow everyone found out. But the more prayers the better. Great night at camp.

Friday: Tried to make it as normal of a day as possible. My family left early, due to a chemo appointment in Seattle. Which meant, Josie and I got to hang out the rest of the day together which was fantastic. It was hard to say goodbye to the families, and I tried to hold back the tears for the most part. Dropped Pete off, and caught the ferry home. And that's when the tears started. It was pretty rough. So, the boy came over and just held me for a while. He didn't ask any questions, didn't make me tell him anything, just listened and held me. Pretty great.

Saturday: Crazy amounts of errands. Trying to stay focused. MARINERS game with the boy, Em, and Jeff. So Much Fun. We lost, but oh well...we took 2 out of 3. :) That's when the adventure started. Didn't make the ferry. Went to Red Robin for mud pie...and missed the next ferry. Which meant we FINALLY caught the ferry at 12:45. But, I wouldn't have had it any other way. More time to be together. And hold hands. :) :) Got back, and ended up staying up WAY too late...or maybe early? But again, wouldn't change it. Also, lost the dog somewhere in there which meant we were out at 3:40 looking for him. Just another day in my crazy life.

Sunday: Didn't make it to morning service, cause I was SO tired. Got ready to go to my friend Michelle's wedding...with the boy. :) He picked me up, we got coffee, and then headed down. It was a beautiful wedding, got to see my dear friend Jenni, and got to hang out with the boy. Got back to my place, and he headed out to go see some family. Went over to my parents house, went to church, Target, and then back home. And then the boy came back over. And it was great. So so good. Can't even stop smiling. I like to snuggle. :)

Monday: Slept in....felt SO good. The boy came over and picked me up and we went to IKEA! Finally got a bookcase, and some new glasses. Oh, and a clock :) Came back, and took a glorious nap... so good. :) Then, we put my book case together, hung up my key holder, and then just spent some quality time together. So good. Yes... good. :) He headed out a bit early tonight, and I still haven't gone to sleep! I've cleaned, showered, and now I think I am ready.

Busy busy busy. And this week looks the same. House-sitting for my parents, doubles ALL 3 DAYS at work, taking my parents to the airport...picking them up from the airport... bowling, hanging out with the boy, maybe getting a job? Should be a good, no...great week. :)

Wow, that was LONG. Time for bed now. :)

the hole that can't be filled

Currently, I feel like I have a hole that can't be filled. Except, it feels full when he's here. When he's with me. When I get to be with him and smell him and hang on tight.

But when he leaves? A hole. A big one.

And that part is what concerns me. The part that tells me that I am filling that hole with a boy.

Because, I think that I am filling that hole with the boy when it really may need to be filled with Him.

But, I'm not sure.

And that's the part that worries me. And gives me that hole again.

So... let's recap.

I like this boy. A lot. And when I'm not around him, I feel like I have a hole. When he is with me, I don't have the feeling of a hole. However, I feel like I may be filling the hole with the boy when I need to be filling it with something else.

But I like the way I feel when I talk to him, or text him, or see him, or when he comes over.

Now my head kind of hurts....

So.... not sure what to do. But, I do know this.

This week is going to be crazy great. :)

Tomorrow I leave for camp and I am super duper excited! Its so sad that we have to miss 3 days, but I am glad that we still get to have camp. Then, when I get back, I get to go to a wedding on Sunday. I love weddings. And I don't have to go by myself which is 1000 times better.

Let's just hope that I can pull myself together.

So, big week. Super excited. Going to miss the boy. Going to have a great time. Can't wait to come back. :)

past midnight.

Oh the things that happen.

Oh how they mess with your head.

And with your heart.

But its so good.

So good.

Great.

But here's the problem.

I am seriously missing someone right now. Mostly because I know that I won't be able to see him for a few days because I am going to be gone. And I have never felt this way before about anyone.

Slightly freaking me out.

But after last night... I think I can do this. Best night in a long long time.

I like being close.

Really close.

AHHHH.... :) I'm super happy.

Can't wipe this smile off my face.

Can't.

It's permanent.

finally.

That pit in my stomach is finally gone. I think that is because everything is out in the open now. That though used to scare the crap out of me, but now I am glad. Actually, I am happy about it. I realize this is totally vauge...but it will have to stay that way for a few more days...or weeks.

In other news, I think I partially melted tonight at work. It was Crazy Hot. BAD.

But, I am excited for a certain visitor... :)

spinning.

My head is spinning.

Spinning.

Round and round.

Which is C-R-A-Z-Y.

My head hurts.

Bad.

So many mixed emotions.

My heart is racing.

My mind is going in so many directions.

I can't even breath really.

This is a big first in my life.

I'm spinning.

Spinning.

million miles a minute.

So, my head has literally been going a million miles a minute for the past two weeks. Non-stop. And it is all because of one new certain person in my life.

More to come on this later... but I don't think I have ever been this confused/happy/worried/nervous/anxious/excited all at the same time before. :)

what helps me get through.

Lamentations 3:22-24 - Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

when i grow up...

So, normally I don't post in the morning, but today is a bit different. This is my last morning house sitting out on the canal, and I just happen to be kind of reflective right now. Not reflective as in things reflect off of me, but the other kind. :)

I started thing as I was sitting out here on the deck, in the sunshine, listening to the waves, and watching the sun dance on the water: "When I grow up, I want to live somewhere like this." And then I really started thinking. I'm going to get real honest, real quick here. Stay with me.

I am a control freak of sorts. That being said, I don't think that I am what you would call a 'normal' control freak. Explanation needed? That's what I thought.

I like to think that I am in control of my life. Even though I know that I AM NOT, and ONLY HE IS. I make lists, dream and plan out my future, choose my number of kids, where I will live, who I will marry, and what I will look like in 10 years. I 'plan' all of that out. Because, well, I am a planner.

So in a way, I am a total control freak. Let me digress for a second, and then I will be right back to dive in a little deeper on some of my new found thoughts about that. And they are probably not new to you, but I have been reflecting and they are coming to me as I go.

I do NOT think that I am a control freak in the terms of being 'inflexible' because I need to be in control. Being a teacher, I have learned the fine art of flexibility. Granted, I am NOT flexible enough to touch my toes all the time, but I am flexible to just go with the flow, realize that plans change, and then move on. No Problem.

But my life and future? That's another story.

Recently, at my new church which I LOVE, Wes has been talking about control. And if finally hit me that I need to give up control. We were watching a video from youth camp where one of the teenagers was talking about giving up all of their life, even the parts that they won't want to, to God. I need to do that. It's hard.

I read The Pioneer Woman blog, and I love it. She was asking the other day for people to share what they are 'fighting'. I would way that currently, I am fighting to NOT give up control, even though I desperately want to. I really do. Because.... (isn't there always a because?)

I spend quite a bit of my time worrying about my future. Will I ever find a teaching job? When will I get married? Will I get married? Am I going to be able to have kids? Will I have lots of kids? Are we going to be able to afford a nice home? Will my in laws like me? Will my marriage be strong in faith and love? How are our two families going to get along? Will my children grown up in a loving home? Will they be raised to love the Lord with all their heart soul, mind, and strength? See what I mean? Just a little worrying work for 7 AM. :) And there are 23 more hours to do this.

Granted, it is not on the fore front of my mind ALL THE TIME. Like when I am signing up someone for the gym? Not right there. But after they leave, and tell me about how their daughter is going to sign up with them, they have been married 45 years, and they want to all 3 be able to come in together? Yes, then my mind travels.

Maybe I need to make a commitment. Try to do 30 days of giving it all away. Not worrying about these types of things and giving them to God. Cause let's be realistic. HE ALREADY KNOWS ALL OF THE ANSWERS, AND HE HAS IT UNDER CONTROL. My help is NOT needed in this area.

You know, I read a lot of blogs and many of them have a common theme: searching. Searching for answers from God as to why their husband died. Searching for love in the dark world of childhood cancer. Searching for meaning in life. Searching for how to better their marriage. Searching for how to deal with kids. Searching.

I am searching. I know that God is in control. I know that I am not. But giving that all up to him tends to be a big leap of faith for me. And maybe that is exactly what I need to do. A leap of faith. Trusting God. Giving him all of my life, even the back coat closets that I don't really want the guests to see. Giving it all up to him.

That is my challenge for myself for the next 30 days. On August 16, I will report back. And of course, I will blog about it probably every day on here. Because, well, that is what I do.

Lord, help me to know that you are in control. Help me to feel your ever constant sweet presence in my life. Help me to not worry if you know what you are doing. Help me to trust. Thank you for being such an amazing God who is so much bigger than I could ever imagine and thank you for still being that ever constant presence in my life even when I choose not to see it. Amen.

opposite emotions.

Emotion #1:

Excitement. I have lots of things that I am excited about. (Yes, this will become a list.)

My new apartment. My new furniture. New relationships. Friendship. Finishing up house sitting. The sunshine. Getting a tan. The new school year. Flip flops. Feeling so close to God. Some fun earrings I just got. Gift cards. My amazing family. Getting close to my brother. Enjoying life to its fullest.

Emotion #2:

Sadness. I have lots of things that have recently been breaking my heart.

Bad decisions. Cancer. Kids with cancer. Camp with kids with cancer. Kate McRae. Jay Ellis. Health issues. Broken relationships. Feeling far away from God. Struggling to trust. Worrying about special people in my life.

Opposites. Lots of things on my mind. Let's hope I can sleep. :) - That is for Patrick.

life and such.

WARNING: This is going to be quite random.

Maybe random in a LIST format...cause you know, I have to use lists.

1. I bought a new table and chairs as well as a desk on Craig's list yesterday. Best decision EVER. They were cheap, in perfect condition...and I got 3 pieces of art work thrown in for free!!! I was a little bit worried about going to some strange people's houses to get them, but both people turned out to be really nice. And now, it looks so nice in my new place! I'm working on slightly redecorating... and I am loving it. :)

2. Why do people have to ruin good things? J just had to go and say something to P...and now he's acting all weird. Weird. And dumb.

3. I am still staying out at Craig and Starla's and I love it out here too. It's so nice to love the place you are staying at and not be creeped out. Although...the people camping on the front lawn was a bit strange. I just love the sound of the waves, the salty air, and the sun setting over the water.

4. Emily is such a good, great friend. I am talk to her about anything without feeling judged. She just listens, gives her thoughts... and then leaves it at that. It's perfect. I listen to her, she listens to me. She share, talk, chat, explain, bi**h, vent, cry, laugh... and it's always good.

5. Camp is coming up! 18 days!!!!! Oh, and I found out that Jay and family are coming. He stole my heart last year...and I am so excited to see him and Kalin again.

5.5. We were given the list of families that are coming to camp to pray about. This was one of my favorite things last year. It's like the beginning of the school year when I pray over all of the desks. I get to pray for their time at camp, that they will MAKE it to camp, that they will relax and just let God work in their lives. The things that happen at camp are amazing.

6. Tomorrow is my Dad's birthday. I got him a pretty neat gift. :)

7. I love reading blogs.

8. Oh, and I am so excited that Ed and Kyptin at the last two on the Bachlorette. My guilty pleasure show. Love it...and I am glad that I would be happy with either one being picked. Although... I would mostly pick Ed. I like him a lot. :)

9. I'm thinking about going to Hawaii over my Christmas break... and then coming back right before Christmas. I need some good sunshine time. Currently, it has been 50 degrees, cloudy, and rainy. On my days I have to work though... nice and beautiful. Dumb.

10. And so, this concludes my random list. I love lists.

the little things.

Recently, I have been thinking a lot about 'the little things'. The little things that that certain someone should know about you. The little things that made it special. The little things.

From the great movie "Win A Date with Tad Hamilton", the real love of Rosalie's life tells her that she has 7 smiles. He knows her enough to know that she has 7 different smiles she uses during different times in her life. The little things.

When Harry met Sally. He knows the little things.

I thought I would make a list of some of my little things. Things that hopefully someday, the main man in my life will know. That he will love. Things that he will cherish about me, no matter how quirky.

So, my little things:

~I hate thunderstorms. The best place to be is under the covers during one of those.

~I like to use a little tiny mirror to do my makeup. Even when I have a huge mirror, I like to do mine sitting down with my little cracked mirror.

~ I sleep with a mouth guard in because I grind my teeth LIKE CRAZY.

~ Getting my arms wet is one of my least favorite things.

~ I cry every time people raise their hands up in church.

~Deathly allergic to many things: in particular they include onions, green beans, mushrooms, oysters, and antibiotics

~ I could watch romantic comedies every day of my life and not get tired of them.

~My legs are always covered in bruises. Don't know where they come from, but they are always there.

~ Sometimes I floss my teeth multiple times a day. Sometimes I also don't brush my teeth in the morning and I just use mouthwash. And sometimes I don't

~ If i say I am 'taking a rest' its code speak for taking a really long nap

~ Lists are my life. Currently, I have 6 going all for different things

Well, that is my list for tonight. Time for BED. I'm hoping to lay in the sun tomorrow on my day off. Because, well, that is what I like to do when I have nothing to do.

Oh, and Patrick is coming over to visit tomorrow...Yay!

More to come on this "Little Things List"....

~