when i grow up...

So, normally I don't post in the morning, but today is a bit different. This is my last morning house sitting out on the canal, and I just happen to be kind of reflective right now. Not reflective as in things reflect off of me, but the other kind. :)

I started thing as I was sitting out here on the deck, in the sunshine, listening to the waves, and watching the sun dance on the water: "When I grow up, I want to live somewhere like this." And then I really started thinking. I'm going to get real honest, real quick here. Stay with me.

I am a control freak of sorts. That being said, I don't think that I am what you would call a 'normal' control freak. Explanation needed? That's what I thought.

I like to think that I am in control of my life. Even though I know that I AM NOT, and ONLY HE IS. I make lists, dream and plan out my future, choose my number of kids, where I will live, who I will marry, and what I will look like in 10 years. I 'plan' all of that out. Because, well, I am a planner.

So in a way, I am a total control freak. Let me digress for a second, and then I will be right back to dive in a little deeper on some of my new found thoughts about that. And they are probably not new to you, but I have been reflecting and they are coming to me as I go.

I do NOT think that I am a control freak in the terms of being 'inflexible' because I need to be in control. Being a teacher, I have learned the fine art of flexibility. Granted, I am NOT flexible enough to touch my toes all the time, but I am flexible to just go with the flow, realize that plans change, and then move on. No Problem.

But my life and future? That's another story.

Recently, at my new church which I LOVE, Wes has been talking about control. And if finally hit me that I need to give up control. We were watching a video from youth camp where one of the teenagers was talking about giving up all of their life, even the parts that they won't want to, to God. I need to do that. It's hard.

I read The Pioneer Woman blog, and I love it. She was asking the other day for people to share what they are 'fighting'. I would way that currently, I am fighting to NOT give up control, even though I desperately want to. I really do. Because.... (isn't there always a because?)

I spend quite a bit of my time worrying about my future. Will I ever find a teaching job? When will I get married? Will I get married? Am I going to be able to have kids? Will I have lots of kids? Are we going to be able to afford a nice home? Will my in laws like me? Will my marriage be strong in faith and love? How are our two families going to get along? Will my children grown up in a loving home? Will they be raised to love the Lord with all their heart soul, mind, and strength? See what I mean? Just a little worrying work for 7 AM. :) And there are 23 more hours to do this.

Granted, it is not on the fore front of my mind ALL THE TIME. Like when I am signing up someone for the gym? Not right there. But after they leave, and tell me about how their daughter is going to sign up with them, they have been married 45 years, and they want to all 3 be able to come in together? Yes, then my mind travels.

Maybe I need to make a commitment. Try to do 30 days of giving it all away. Not worrying about these types of things and giving them to God. Cause let's be realistic. HE ALREADY KNOWS ALL OF THE ANSWERS, AND HE HAS IT UNDER CONTROL. My help is NOT needed in this area.

You know, I read a lot of blogs and many of them have a common theme: searching. Searching for answers from God as to why their husband died. Searching for love in the dark world of childhood cancer. Searching for meaning in life. Searching for how to better their marriage. Searching for how to deal with kids. Searching.

I am searching. I know that God is in control. I know that I am not. But giving that all up to him tends to be a big leap of faith for me. And maybe that is exactly what I need to do. A leap of faith. Trusting God. Giving him all of my life, even the back coat closets that I don't really want the guests to see. Giving it all up to him.

That is my challenge for myself for the next 30 days. On August 16, I will report back. And of course, I will blog about it probably every day on here. Because, well, that is what I do.

Lord, help me to know that you are in control. Help me to feel your ever constant sweet presence in my life. Help me to not worry if you know what you are doing. Help me to trust. Thank you for being such an amazing God who is so much bigger than I could ever imagine and thank you for still being that ever constant presence in my life even when I choose not to see it. Amen.