Sometime, I just feel trapped. Trapped in my body, my life, my head, and my routines. Sometimes, I just want a change. Maybe its that I have been living and breathing VBS... maybe its that I am living at home again and feel like I am moving backwards in my life... maybe its that I have been seeing so many wedding/engagement pictures that I am just jealous of others.... maybe its that I wish I had some close friends who lived closer to me so that I could see them every day.... maybe its that I wish I wasn't lonely.
Sometimes I just have those days where I want to cry and be alone, but at the same time, I want someone to snuggle me up and just hold me. But, I've never had that, and I think that is starting to bother me. Problem is, men don't live in Silverdale, WA. Only boys... silly boys who think flat ironing their hair and buying girls pants are the most important things in life.
Sometimes I really really wish he would come back. I miss him, and having 3000 and the infrequent e-mails isn't all that satisfying.
Sometimes I wish my life would fast forward 5 years so I would be teaching school, be married to an amazing man, and have a kid on the way.....
Sometimes, I wish I would just enjoy the moment.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
cancer.
My paternal grandmother died from breast cancer 2 years after I was born. I don't have any memories of her, but I hear she was a wonderful woman of the Lord and was loved by many. She has been my main connection to 'knowing someone with cancer.'
This week, I was completely floored by news that a close friend from church was diagnosed with breast cancer. She is 41, married, and has a 2nd grader and a 6th grader. She went in for her 2nd ever mammogram, right on schedule with another close church friend. One got negative results, and one turned up positive. In less than three weeks, she has been diagnosed with breast cancer, had her left breast removed, as well as 15 lymph nodes, and just got back results that 11 of those had cancer. Today was her cat scan, bone scan, and some other tests.
Cancer has never hit me this close before. I have babysat for her kids since Emily, the youngest was born. I have house sat, 3 years in a row, over Thanksgiving so that their family can go on vacation. She teaches preschool at my church. I am at a loss for words because it has hit me so hard. I cannot even imagine my own mother having breast cancer. She is an amazing woman, and I am not quite sure how I am going to live without her; she is my rock and strong hold.
I have a hard time talking about it... because all I can think about is my own mother which I know is selfish, but true. We have been praying for her, and getting updates, but I can't imagine what her and her family are going through. More will be known in the coming weeks, but for now... I guess all we can do is pray.
This week, I was completely floored by news that a close friend from church was diagnosed with breast cancer. She is 41, married, and has a 2nd grader and a 6th grader. She went in for her 2nd ever mammogram, right on schedule with another close church friend. One got negative results, and one turned up positive. In less than three weeks, she has been diagnosed with breast cancer, had her left breast removed, as well as 15 lymph nodes, and just got back results that 11 of those had cancer. Today was her cat scan, bone scan, and some other tests.
Cancer has never hit me this close before. I have babysat for her kids since Emily, the youngest was born. I have house sat, 3 years in a row, over Thanksgiving so that their family can go on vacation. She teaches preschool at my church. I am at a loss for words because it has hit me so hard. I cannot even imagine my own mother having breast cancer. She is an amazing woman, and I am not quite sure how I am going to live without her; she is my rock and strong hold.
I have a hard time talking about it... because all I can think about is my own mother which I know is selfish, but true. We have been praying for her, and getting updates, but I can't imagine what her and her family are going through. More will be known in the coming weeks, but for now... I guess all we can do is pray.
Monday, July 7, 2008
mixed emotions.
This was quite an interesting day. Side note- I have been slacking on blogging only because my life is so full of Vacation Bible School right now that I am living and breathing VBS every second of every day. That being said, it was a very interesting day.
I got to go and see my dear friend in Tacoma today. We had quite the lovely conversation interspersed with some heartache and pain, laughter and love, and as always, some reminiscing. She is one of those people that even after not seeing for a while, things just come right back together and we don't even skip a beat... it's like we were never apart. I think that is one way you can tell a wonderful friend... even when the world around us is changing so rapidly, our friendship never changes.
Then I got to deal with family crap. Sometimes I wish that I didn't live at home. Enough said.
I hope today gets better... we shall see
Thursday, June 26, 2008
so hard.
I'm having a really hard time with the fact I am moving out tomorrow from my amazing apartment, and the most wonderful family I could ever have lived with. This has been an amazing blessing, and my heart is breaking that I won't be able to see my kids everyday. I guess I just don't know what I am going to do...
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
long day...
Today seemed quite long. I got to hang out with the children... all day. It was good, but I was so incredibly sore and tired today!!! I went and played soccer with Anne Marie this week, which was awesome, and I didn't get hurt, but I am so so sore! I feel like I used some muscles in my body that I have never ever used. I also have two blisters on my toes... quite painful.
I got to hang out with a friend this evening down at the Village, it was great. It's always nice to just sit and chat.
Then I browsed that isles of Barnes and Nobles, attempting to look scholarly... didn't work out so well.
Got home, and now I am just sitting in bed watching my most favorite Food Network show: Unwrapped. My new job opportunities: Pancake Expert or Small Kitchen Consultant. Off to bed... don't have to work till 4 tomorrow... which means sleeping in to a ridiculously late hour. Oh the joys of summer. :)
just a few of my favorite quotes.
"All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them." -- Galileo Galilei
"I have only one superstition. I touch all the bases when I hit a home run." -- Babe Ruth
"Jesus' healings are not supernatural miracles in a natural world. They are the only truly 'natural' things in a world that is unnatural, demonized and wounded." -- Jurgen Moltmann
Prayer, does not work like a vending machine: insert request, receive answer. Miraces are just that, miracles, not "ordinaries" common to daily experience. -- Yancey
"In poverty and other misfortunes of life, true friends are a sure refuge. The young they keep out of mischief; to the old they are a comfort and aid in their weakness, and those in the prime of life they incite to noble deeds." -Aristotle
"Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me." ~Meredith
After careful consideration and many sleepless nights, here’s what I've decided. There's no such thing as a grown-up. We move out, we move away from our families. But the basic insecurities, the fears and all the old wounds just grow up with us. Just when you think life has forced you to truly become an adult, your mother says something like that. We get bigger, taller, older. But, for the most part, we're still a bunch of kids, running around the playground, trying desperately to fit in.~ Meredith
Romans 12:9-21: Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.
Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"says the Lord. On the contrary: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”~ C.S. Lewis
"I have only one superstition. I touch all the bases when I hit a home run." -- Babe Ruth
"Jesus' healings are not supernatural miracles in a natural world. They are the only truly 'natural' things in a world that is unnatural, demonized and wounded." -- Jurgen Moltmann
Prayer, does not work like a vending machine: insert request, receive answer. Miraces are just that, miracles, not "ordinaries" common to daily experience. -- Yancey
"In poverty and other misfortunes of life, true friends are a sure refuge. The young they keep out of mischief; to the old they are a comfort and aid in their weakness, and those in the prime of life they incite to noble deeds." -Aristotle
"Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me." ~Meredith
After careful consideration and many sleepless nights, here’s what I've decided. There's no such thing as a grown-up. We move out, we move away from our families. But the basic insecurities, the fears and all the old wounds just grow up with us. Just when you think life has forced you to truly become an adult, your mother says something like that. We get bigger, taller, older. But, for the most part, we're still a bunch of kids, running around the playground, trying desperately to fit in.~ Meredith
Romans 12:9-21: Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.
Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"says the Lord. On the contrary: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”~ C.S. Lewis
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
felix.
By the way, just found out that they think Felix's ankle is just a sprain, and they expect him to pitch on his next scheduled appearance in 5 days.... good news for everyone :)
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