living.

Last night was exactly what I needed. After a week at cancer camp, house sitting, being Mom to 3 girls for 5 days, and working in between all of that...I needed that girls night!

Bestie and I had a great time. We made the "Only Cake", texted the boy, went out to the Melting Pot, watched Sex and the City, laid in bed and talked about life, and then slept in this morning.

I was then hit by the harsh reality that I had to come back down to real work when I stepped into work this morning. :)

But, it was great while it lasted.

Had some good clarity and words of wisdom given to me about the boy. He's still slightly in this annoying funk but he's coming over tonight to talk. And that we will. I feel like I need some answers on a few things he has said recently as well as some concerns I have. And we may snuggle as well. But only after the talking, because you know how the snuggling goes to my head. :)

I kinda sorta got offered a job yesterday. It would be teaching Kindergarten PE/Art/Music at my school. Thing is, it may start out as a sub position, and then turn into a real contracted spot. And it may not. Things are really up in the air, but at least its a spot.

Well, the boy just txted me and my head is slightly spinning at the thought of him coming over... staying strong. I'm feeling good. Actually great.

I feel like I am finally living. :)

staying strong.

Good day today :)

The boy is still out of town and its been good for some clarity in my mind. I am feeling pretty good about things and I'm feeling strong. Strong to resist the temptations.

Had a fabulous day with the girls today. SO MUCH FUN. It's almost like having 3 younger sisters.

SUPER EXCITED FOR GIRL'S NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. My bestie and I have the best time ever together. Chocolate cake, mandarin oranges, fettuccine, and Sex and the City...maybe go an see 'The Ugly Truth'. Love having girl time. My bestie and I hanging out, couldn't get any better than that. :)

black and white vs. gray

My head is having a hard time working right now.... because its mostly focused on one thing. The boy. But here's the deal. I need to be really honest with myself right now, and since this has been the way that I have been processing, its going to happen right here on the blog.

I used to always think that things in a relationship would be black and white. That boundaries, both physical mental, spiritual and verbal, would be black and white. For example: (of COURSE I am going to make a list)

Saying I love you: wouldn't happen for a long time. Love is something that takes a long time to grow.

Kissing: Minimum for a while, gradually more as time progressed (as in like.... a LONG time)

Hands: Wouldn't happen to me... hands would stay off of certain areas, and that's all there was to it.

Things would move slowly: It would not be fast for me... I would want things to move at a very gradual pace.

Sex: Not until marriage. Period.

But here is what is scarring me. Now that I am in it, and not just watching it, things seems so...... gray. There is no better way of putting it.

No I have not slept with him, and I am not planning on it. But there again, I am feeling gray on other issues that I never even thought about before.

Gray. It's a really hard area!

This past Sunday, one of the points made in the sermon was about lust. Run away from lust. RUN. Far far away. Previous to the boy, that was easy. Now that the boy is in my life, not so easy. Since that time, I have found that saying going over and over in my head and thinking that maybe I am putting myself into situations where I am actually running towards it, instead of away from it and that freaks me out. Big time.

Today in church, we sang one of my favorite songs "He can move the Mountains." There is a line in that song that goes

So take me as you find me... all my fear and failures... fill my life again. I give my life to follow... every thing I believe in... now I surrender... I surrender.

My mind and my heart are battling it out. And I'm not sure who is winning or who I actually want to win. I feel so happy and so... good. But at the same time, I don't know if I am filling my life with the wrong thing. I feel so close to God right now, and I love that feeling. But I feel so close to the boy as well and I like that too!

The boy and I were talking the other night about standards and whatnot again, and I was really glad we did. However, the gray is messing with my black and white. For instance: napping. Okay just on the couch or is the bed okay? I don't know anymore! I told him I would have to think about that one... but I think that if I said yes, that would be running TOWARD lust and not away from it!

But here's the thing: I am very firmly grounded in my beliefs. I just never had to consider these types of things. Today's sermon was about being a leader and living by example. And I want to do that: live by example. Which again makes things SO gray!

But at the same time, I like the boy. A lot. And he makes me want to be a better person. And he makes me want to strengthen my faith and be closer to God. He challenges me to be who I am and I like that. Can you see why I tossed and turned last night while sleeping???

Maybe another part of my head spinning is that I am feeling very grown up right now. I know, totally cliche, but I really am. I feel very much like an adult right now... probably because I am. :) My bestie thought she was pregnant. She isn't but it was kind of a reality check...for both of us. I am living my life and this is it!

Which lead me to this: I am living my life for God, and loving it right now. I love it. I like having someone in my life who makes me happy in new ways, makes me feel extra special, makes me feel like a princess. I like having someone to confide in, who sends me a smilie text just because he feels like it, who brings me lunch at work just so he can see me for 5 minutes, who cuts out onions from his diet so I don't die when he kisses me, who takes 10 extra minutes saying goodnight, and who wants me to be a part of his life for a long time. I love it.

So, I'm working on the black and white versus gray issues right now. And let me tell you, it will be a long time before I will have them figured out. But until then, I'm going to stick with my gut instincts and go with black and white. That way, I won't regret something I do, I won't get myself into trouble, I won't send mixed signals, and I won't feel like I am contradicting what I believe.

Sound like a plan? I hope so...and I am going to do my best to follow it.

Lord, please help me to make good choices. Help me to be a witness for you, and to live by example. Fill my life again. I give my life to follow. Everything I believe in.... I SURRENDER. Take control of my heart. Be near to me. I pray this in your everlasting name, Amen.

firsts.

Recently I have had quite the list of first in my life. And, since you know my love for all things lists, I am going to make you another one. Yep, I do really love lists.

1. First time living really on my own: I LOVE IT. When I lived at SPU, I did the dorm thing, then the on-campus apartment...then off to my families house which I loved, but I never really was out on my own. Now, living in my own apartment, paying rent and loving every minute of it. It is really starting to feel like home now that I have my bookcase up. I put all of my little trinkets and whatnots out and it feels more like I actually live there. I think once I finish putting my bedroom all together and stop jumping house to house it will feel even more like home.

2. First time dealing with a friend's pregnancy scare: I guess it makes me feel like I am here and grown up. Crazy. My bestie could be pregnant. I don't think that she is, but there is a possibility. That would completely blow my mind.

3. First time feelings: I have had a huge amount of firsts in the feelings department recently. Feeling excited to have the boy in my life. Feeling nervous to have the boy in my life. Feeling crazy happy to have the boy in my life. Feeling like I could possibly get my heart broken and trying to guard it. Feeling like I need to be super careful with what I do and say so that I don't get into this too far and then pull away quickly. Feeling like my life is finally starting and I am truly enjoying it. Feeling like I need God more and more each day to keep me centered and grounded and my head on straight. Feeling like I am falling for someone like I have never fallen for anyone before. Feeling like I may actually really like the boy a lot more than I realize. Feeling scared out of my mind that I am feeling these kinds of thing.

4. First kiss: enough said. Except for the minor allergic reaction to the boy eating onions before that. Other than that... enough said. :)

5. First time loosing weight all on my own: yep, down two sizes and proud of it. And its just been through eating better (and less) and exercising. Well, working too.

6. First time keeping big things from people that I would like for them to know but I don't really want to tell them right now: Confusing enough? That's what I thought. We'll just keep it that way.

7. First time feeling really.....alive?: Again, confusing. But its kind of true. I feel like I have a spark, or a new kind of joy. A joy for all the firsts. Love it.

So, I feel like there will most likely be many more first in my life, but currently, I am loving the firsts list. Life. Is. Good.

60.

this marks my 60th post. A lot has happened in those 60 posts.

Currently, a lot is happening in my life.

Let me recap my last week.

Sunday: Thought I was going to be leaving for camp. Totally had mixed feelings about it too which is weird. Mixed feelings because I wanted to go to camp, but I didn't want to leave him. Well, camp was delayed due to the Norovirus. So, went over for orientation and came home. Good and bad. :)

Monday: Hung out...ran errands... saw the boy... 3 times... got a phone call for an interview..no big deal. :) Freaked out a bit and then found out that I was going to have to leave camp, and then return.

Tuesday: Headed out for camp... again with the weird mixed feelings! But, headed out, picked up Pete, and drove to Eatonville. It felt so good to be there and to prepare my heart for an emotional roller coaster of a week... or rather, a few days.

Wednesday: Families arrived, and we took off. It was crazy, amazing, fun, inspirational, heartbreaking fun. So so so good. Minus the soaking wet carpets which in turn made our cabin smell like mildew. Worked wonders on my allergies.

Thursday: Left camp before breakfast to head out. Oh, Dan Wilson prayed for me. Yep. That Dan. Drove on I-5 for the first time...and 512... and 161. Great fun. :) Got home, prayed, took a shower, and then the power went out. So, who do I call? The boy. Turns out it wasn't just at my place. It was all of Silverdale. Oh and Bremerton. And parts of Thurston and Pierce Counties. Not so good when I have soaking wet hair and 2 hours before an interview for a job. So, the boy came over and made me feel better by waiting it out with me and telling me I would do great... and then the power did not come back on. Which means I had to find SOMEWHERE where I could dry and straighten my hair. I came up with the brilliant idea that Safeway would have to have power. Now, it normally takes me about 7 minutes to get from my apartment to Safeway. Not today. Not today. It took me 25 minutes because people do not know what to do when there are no stop lights. Pulled into Safeway...and the power returned. Again, not good. Not really wanting to dry my hair in the public and less than sanitary bathroom of Safeway, I thought that I would go over to the library and dry my hair. I didn't have enough time to make it home and dry my hair and be back so I thought the library would be ideal considering its large private bathroom and I know the ladies at the front desk. Pulled in ready to go with my blow dryer and straightener, and it has a big sign on the front door. "Closed due to power outage" I believe I may have said a bad word at this point. Then, being the BRILLIANT thinker that I am, I realized that I should probably just cross the street and go into the hair salon where I get my hair cut! I could use their outlet, it wouldn't look weird for me to be doing my hair there, and it was about 30 seconds away from the building I needed to be at. So, I marched in, and she actually ended up doing it for me. Bless her with my whole being. With 15 minutes to spare I took a few deep breaths before I walked into the administrative building, checked in, and then sat awkwardly in the chairs waiting for my turn. The interview turned out to be very relaxed which I enjoyed. 30 minutes later I was back at it. Stopped by to see the boy quickly, and he surprised me with AMAZING seats to the Mariner's game.... so super thoughtful, isn't he? Especially considering that he doesn't like baseball that much. Got back on the freeway, drove back to camp, and made it just in time for some chapel and dinner. Updated the Wilson's and every other person at camp about my interview, cause somehow everyone found out. But the more prayers the better. Great night at camp.

Friday: Tried to make it as normal of a day as possible. My family left early, due to a chemo appointment in Seattle. Which meant, Josie and I got to hang out the rest of the day together which was fantastic. It was hard to say goodbye to the families, and I tried to hold back the tears for the most part. Dropped Pete off, and caught the ferry home. And that's when the tears started. It was pretty rough. So, the boy came over and just held me for a while. He didn't ask any questions, didn't make me tell him anything, just listened and held me. Pretty great.

Saturday: Crazy amounts of errands. Trying to stay focused. MARINERS game with the boy, Em, and Jeff. So Much Fun. We lost, but oh well...we took 2 out of 3. :) That's when the adventure started. Didn't make the ferry. Went to Red Robin for mud pie...and missed the next ferry. Which meant we FINALLY caught the ferry at 12:45. But, I wouldn't have had it any other way. More time to be together. And hold hands. :) :) Got back, and ended up staying up WAY too late...or maybe early? But again, wouldn't change it. Also, lost the dog somewhere in there which meant we were out at 3:40 looking for him. Just another day in my crazy life.

Sunday: Didn't make it to morning service, cause I was SO tired. Got ready to go to my friend Michelle's wedding...with the boy. :) He picked me up, we got coffee, and then headed down. It was a beautiful wedding, got to see my dear friend Jenni, and got to hang out with the boy. Got back to my place, and he headed out to go see some family. Went over to my parents house, went to church, Target, and then back home. And then the boy came back over. And it was great. So so good. Can't even stop smiling. I like to snuggle. :)

Monday: Slept in....felt SO good. The boy came over and picked me up and we went to IKEA! Finally got a bookcase, and some new glasses. Oh, and a clock :) Came back, and took a glorious nap... so good. :) Then, we put my book case together, hung up my key holder, and then just spent some quality time together. So good. Yes... good. :) He headed out a bit early tonight, and I still haven't gone to sleep! I've cleaned, showered, and now I think I am ready.

Busy busy busy. And this week looks the same. House-sitting for my parents, doubles ALL 3 DAYS at work, taking my parents to the airport...picking them up from the airport... bowling, hanging out with the boy, maybe getting a job? Should be a good, no...great week. :)

Wow, that was LONG. Time for bed now. :)

the hole that can't be filled

Currently, I feel like I have a hole that can't be filled. Except, it feels full when he's here. When he's with me. When I get to be with him and smell him and hang on tight.

But when he leaves? A hole. A big one.

And that part is what concerns me. The part that tells me that I am filling that hole with a boy.

Because, I think that I am filling that hole with the boy when it really may need to be filled with Him.

But, I'm not sure.

And that's the part that worries me. And gives me that hole again.

So... let's recap.

I like this boy. A lot. And when I'm not around him, I feel like I have a hole. When he is with me, I don't have the feeling of a hole. However, I feel like I may be filling the hole with the boy when I need to be filling it with something else.

But I like the way I feel when I talk to him, or text him, or see him, or when he comes over.

Now my head kind of hurts....

So.... not sure what to do. But, I do know this.

This week is going to be crazy great. :)

Tomorrow I leave for camp and I am super duper excited! Its so sad that we have to miss 3 days, but I am glad that we still get to have camp. Then, when I get back, I get to go to a wedding on Sunday. I love weddings. And I don't have to go by myself which is 1000 times better.

Let's just hope that I can pull myself together.

So, big week. Super excited. Going to miss the boy. Going to have a great time. Can't wait to come back. :)

past midnight.

Oh the things that happen.

Oh how they mess with your head.

And with your heart.

But its so good.

So good.

Great.

But here's the problem.

I am seriously missing someone right now. Mostly because I know that I won't be able to see him for a few days because I am going to be gone. And I have never felt this way before about anyone.

Slightly freaking me out.

But after last night... I think I can do this. Best night in a long long time.

I like being close.

Really close.

AHHHH.... :) I'm super happy.

Can't wipe this smile off my face.

Can't.

It's permanent.