when i grow up...

So, normally I don't post in the morning, but today is a bit different. This is my last morning house sitting out on the canal, and I just happen to be kind of reflective right now. Not reflective as in things reflect off of me, but the other kind. :)

I started thing as I was sitting out here on the deck, in the sunshine, listening to the waves, and watching the sun dance on the water: "When I grow up, I want to live somewhere like this." And then I really started thinking. I'm going to get real honest, real quick here. Stay with me.

I am a control freak of sorts. That being said, I don't think that I am what you would call a 'normal' control freak. Explanation needed? That's what I thought.

I like to think that I am in control of my life. Even though I know that I AM NOT, and ONLY HE IS. I make lists, dream and plan out my future, choose my number of kids, where I will live, who I will marry, and what I will look like in 10 years. I 'plan' all of that out. Because, well, I am a planner.

So in a way, I am a total control freak. Let me digress for a second, and then I will be right back to dive in a little deeper on some of my new found thoughts about that. And they are probably not new to you, but I have been reflecting and they are coming to me as I go.

I do NOT think that I am a control freak in the terms of being 'inflexible' because I need to be in control. Being a teacher, I have learned the fine art of flexibility. Granted, I am NOT flexible enough to touch my toes all the time, but I am flexible to just go with the flow, realize that plans change, and then move on. No Problem.

But my life and future? That's another story.

Recently, at my new church which I LOVE, Wes has been talking about control. And if finally hit me that I need to give up control. We were watching a video from youth camp where one of the teenagers was talking about giving up all of their life, even the parts that they won't want to, to God. I need to do that. It's hard.

I read The Pioneer Woman blog, and I love it. She was asking the other day for people to share what they are 'fighting'. I would way that currently, I am fighting to NOT give up control, even though I desperately want to. I really do. Because.... (isn't there always a because?)

I spend quite a bit of my time worrying about my future. Will I ever find a teaching job? When will I get married? Will I get married? Am I going to be able to have kids? Will I have lots of kids? Are we going to be able to afford a nice home? Will my in laws like me? Will my marriage be strong in faith and love? How are our two families going to get along? Will my children grown up in a loving home? Will they be raised to love the Lord with all their heart soul, mind, and strength? See what I mean? Just a little worrying work for 7 AM. :) And there are 23 more hours to do this.

Granted, it is not on the fore front of my mind ALL THE TIME. Like when I am signing up someone for the gym? Not right there. But after they leave, and tell me about how their daughter is going to sign up with them, they have been married 45 years, and they want to all 3 be able to come in together? Yes, then my mind travels.

Maybe I need to make a commitment. Try to do 30 days of giving it all away. Not worrying about these types of things and giving them to God. Cause let's be realistic. HE ALREADY KNOWS ALL OF THE ANSWERS, AND HE HAS IT UNDER CONTROL. My help is NOT needed in this area.

You know, I read a lot of blogs and many of them have a common theme: searching. Searching for answers from God as to why their husband died. Searching for love in the dark world of childhood cancer. Searching for meaning in life. Searching for how to better their marriage. Searching for how to deal with kids. Searching.

I am searching. I know that God is in control. I know that I am not. But giving that all up to him tends to be a big leap of faith for me. And maybe that is exactly what I need to do. A leap of faith. Trusting God. Giving him all of my life, even the back coat closets that I don't really want the guests to see. Giving it all up to him.

That is my challenge for myself for the next 30 days. On August 16, I will report back. And of course, I will blog about it probably every day on here. Because, well, that is what I do.

Lord, help me to know that you are in control. Help me to feel your ever constant sweet presence in my life. Help me to not worry if you know what you are doing. Help me to trust. Thank you for being such an amazing God who is so much bigger than I could ever imagine and thank you for still being that ever constant presence in my life even when I choose not to see it. Amen.

opposite emotions.

Emotion #1:

Excitement. I have lots of things that I am excited about. (Yes, this will become a list.)

My new apartment. My new furniture. New relationships. Friendship. Finishing up house sitting. The sunshine. Getting a tan. The new school year. Flip flops. Feeling so close to God. Some fun earrings I just got. Gift cards. My amazing family. Getting close to my brother. Enjoying life to its fullest.

Emotion #2:

Sadness. I have lots of things that have recently been breaking my heart.

Bad decisions. Cancer. Kids with cancer. Camp with kids with cancer. Kate McRae. Jay Ellis. Health issues. Broken relationships. Feeling far away from God. Struggling to trust. Worrying about special people in my life.

Opposites. Lots of things on my mind. Let's hope I can sleep. :) - That is for Patrick.

life and such.

WARNING: This is going to be quite random.

Maybe random in a LIST format...cause you know, I have to use lists.

1. I bought a new table and chairs as well as a desk on Craig's list yesterday. Best decision EVER. They were cheap, in perfect condition...and I got 3 pieces of art work thrown in for free!!! I was a little bit worried about going to some strange people's houses to get them, but both people turned out to be really nice. And now, it looks so nice in my new place! I'm working on slightly redecorating... and I am loving it. :)

2. Why do people have to ruin good things? J just had to go and say something to P...and now he's acting all weird. Weird. And dumb.

3. I am still staying out at Craig and Starla's and I love it out here too. It's so nice to love the place you are staying at and not be creeped out. Although...the people camping on the front lawn was a bit strange. I just love the sound of the waves, the salty air, and the sun setting over the water.

4. Emily is such a good, great friend. I am talk to her about anything without feeling judged. She just listens, gives her thoughts... and then leaves it at that. It's perfect. I listen to her, she listens to me. She share, talk, chat, explain, bi**h, vent, cry, laugh... and it's always good.

5. Camp is coming up! 18 days!!!!! Oh, and I found out that Jay and family are coming. He stole my heart last year...and I am so excited to see him and Kalin again.

5.5. We were given the list of families that are coming to camp to pray about. This was one of my favorite things last year. It's like the beginning of the school year when I pray over all of the desks. I get to pray for their time at camp, that they will MAKE it to camp, that they will relax and just let God work in their lives. The things that happen at camp are amazing.

6. Tomorrow is my Dad's birthday. I got him a pretty neat gift. :)

7. I love reading blogs.

8. Oh, and I am so excited that Ed and Kyptin at the last two on the Bachlorette. My guilty pleasure show. Love it...and I am glad that I would be happy with either one being picked. Although... I would mostly pick Ed. I like him a lot. :)

9. I'm thinking about going to Hawaii over my Christmas break... and then coming back right before Christmas. I need some good sunshine time. Currently, it has been 50 degrees, cloudy, and rainy. On my days I have to work though... nice and beautiful. Dumb.

10. And so, this concludes my random list. I love lists.

the little things.

Recently, I have been thinking a lot about 'the little things'. The little things that that certain someone should know about you. The little things that made it special. The little things.

From the great movie "Win A Date with Tad Hamilton", the real love of Rosalie's life tells her that she has 7 smiles. He knows her enough to know that she has 7 different smiles she uses during different times in her life. The little things.

When Harry met Sally. He knows the little things.

I thought I would make a list of some of my little things. Things that hopefully someday, the main man in my life will know. That he will love. Things that he will cherish about me, no matter how quirky.

So, my little things:

~I hate thunderstorms. The best place to be is under the covers during one of those.

~I like to use a little tiny mirror to do my makeup. Even when I have a huge mirror, I like to do mine sitting down with my little cracked mirror.

~ I sleep with a mouth guard in because I grind my teeth LIKE CRAZY.

~ Getting my arms wet is one of my least favorite things.

~ I cry every time people raise their hands up in church.

~Deathly allergic to many things: in particular they include onions, green beans, mushrooms, oysters, and antibiotics

~ I could watch romantic comedies every day of my life and not get tired of them.

~My legs are always covered in bruises. Don't know where they come from, but they are always there.

~ Sometimes I floss my teeth multiple times a day. Sometimes I also don't brush my teeth in the morning and I just use mouthwash. And sometimes I don't

~ If i say I am 'taking a rest' its code speak for taking a really long nap

~ Lists are my life. Currently, I have 6 going all for different things

Well, that is my list for tonight. Time for BED. I'm hoping to lay in the sun tomorrow on my day off. Because, well, that is what I like to do when I have nothing to do.

Oh, and Patrick is coming over to visit tomorrow...Yay!

More to come on this "Little Things List"....

~

oh look. its me.

Last post... 2 weeks ago.

I lot as changed in my life.

Hold on tight. Here we go.

Working at the gym. Love it.

Started working at the Conference Center. Hate it. With a fiery passion.

Lived at in 4 houses in the last 2 weeks. House sitting.

Saw Emily. She FINALLY decided it was a good idea to 'change her ways'. THANK THE LORD.

Saw Sarah. I love that girl. And yes, I finally told her. I feel like a weight has been lifted.

And then it started. 24 hours ago. Which has resulted in texts, FB, a visit, dinner, and another 'date' planned. Except this is different. It's like a really good friendship with someone who is just really good company. We'll see.

Let's see... what else.

Super excited for camp. Super excited for some more sunshine...where did it go?!?!?

Wishing I didn't have to work so much. But its not terrible. Except I hate my life when I am at work. Besides that though...

So, is that enough of a catch up? I'll post more details later.

Oh the life.

my new life.

I haven't posted recently because my life has been turned upside down with changes. Some good, some bad. Some positive, some not so positive. Some exciting, some not so exciting.

When I get a little big more free time, I will be able to update. Until then...

he will always provide.

I always worry. He always provides.

For example:

• 5 open jobs. I just applied. For all 5. I was convinced that there would not be any.

• A second part time summer job. I was worried about finding one that fit the hours I needed. Turns out that is works Perfectly with a capital P.

• An apartment. That I can afford. They offered ~OFFERED~ to drop the rent.

He always provides. He is Good. He hears me. He knows my heart. God is Good.