and it all came crashing down.

I knew this was going to happen. I just knew it. There was a piece of me that worried that this was going to happen...and now it has.

Kinda feel like my heart is slightly ripped out of my chest. Or maybe someone is stabbing it. But I do know that there is pain.

He said he never wanted to hurt me, and right now I am feeling hurt.

Or maybe more disappointed. Maybe just a huge amount of emotions are rushing all over me right now.

I haven't cried in months. Actually... like a year. As soon as I shut the door tonight and he left, I burst out in tears. Not just a few. Sobbing, crazy tears.

Part of that I think is good, and part of it is not so good.

He just texted me and now I can't breath again. And here come the tears back.

and it all came crashing down.

cleaning.

I've been doing a lot of cleaning recently. Cleaning my apartment, cleaning out my head, cleaning up messes I've made, and cleaning up pasts.

I purposefully try and be confusing by the way. :)

I spent about 4 hours cleaning my 800 sq foot apartment. Good thing it isn't a lot bigger or I would be in big trouble! But, in my defense, I did major cleaning and organizing after being on the road/house sitting/at camp/taking care of kids/working crazy amounts of time for the past month. And I feel soo much better!

Made a stop at the elementary school today and it felt so good to be back in the building. Slightly bittersweet at the same time because it really makes it feel like summer is over. I don't really feel like I got that much summer because I never got really tan! Oh well.

Also got to write a note explaining my large cell phone bill. That would be cleaning up the messes I've made. Just what I've always wanted to do. Darn it.

I am currently doing 4 loads of laundry... do I really have that many clothes?!?! I don't think so...

So, the boy is stopping by for 'a bit' tonight. I don't know what a bit means but I'm guessing he won't be here long. Darn. Tomorrow I think I am going down to see him in Tacoma... which will be fun. And since I have to be back home to go to Church, I have to leave somewhat early. Somewhat.

I'm feeling really good right now. Oh YEAH...I talked to Patrick today! He's still in Hawaii, trying to get out of the Army, still dating a girl who could be him MOM, still smoking, and drinking way too much. Yuck.

I'm off to try and get somewhat cleaned up. Somewhat.

I'm tired though... kinda really tired actually. Maybe time for a nap? We'll see... :)

important people.

So tonight I met the boy's sister and niece. I had already met his brother in law and nephew. Then, I also got to meet his brother in laws parents. Crazy.

But it got me to thinking: I don't really have any family to introduce him to. Not real family at least. If I were going to introduce him to anyone, it would probably be close family friends. But I don't think we are at that point yet.

He made a comment tonight about how we're "not even dating...we're just friends".... and that is true. But I don't know...it kinda hurt to hear! Weird...I know. Because I want him to be single, but I want him to be mine as well! Now I see why guys think that girls are so confusing....I think I'm confusing!

Other than that, it was a long day at the gym. I think I am starting to get anxious about the fact that I don't have a job. One of my favorite verses has started coming back into my head again, "Be still and know that I am God." I need to work on trusting.

Lord, please help me to trust you. Help me to be still and know that you are God. Know that you are in control. Know that you remember me and care about me. Know that I am in your precious care. Know that I am loved by the highest King and I will always be your princess. Amen.

living.

Last night was exactly what I needed. After a week at cancer camp, house sitting, being Mom to 3 girls for 5 days, and working in between all of that...I needed that girls night!

Bestie and I had a great time. We made the "Only Cake", texted the boy, went out to the Melting Pot, watched Sex and the City, laid in bed and talked about life, and then slept in this morning.

I was then hit by the harsh reality that I had to come back down to real work when I stepped into work this morning. :)

But, it was great while it lasted.

Had some good clarity and words of wisdom given to me about the boy. He's still slightly in this annoying funk but he's coming over tonight to talk. And that we will. I feel like I need some answers on a few things he has said recently as well as some concerns I have. And we may snuggle as well. But only after the talking, because you know how the snuggling goes to my head. :)

I kinda sorta got offered a job yesterday. It would be teaching Kindergarten PE/Art/Music at my school. Thing is, it may start out as a sub position, and then turn into a real contracted spot. And it may not. Things are really up in the air, but at least its a spot.

Well, the boy just txted me and my head is slightly spinning at the thought of him coming over... staying strong. I'm feeling good. Actually great.

I feel like I am finally living. :)

staying strong.

Good day today :)

The boy is still out of town and its been good for some clarity in my mind. I am feeling pretty good about things and I'm feeling strong. Strong to resist the temptations.

Had a fabulous day with the girls today. SO MUCH FUN. It's almost like having 3 younger sisters.

SUPER EXCITED FOR GIRL'S NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. My bestie and I have the best time ever together. Chocolate cake, mandarin oranges, fettuccine, and Sex and the City...maybe go an see 'The Ugly Truth'. Love having girl time. My bestie and I hanging out, couldn't get any better than that. :)

black and white vs. gray

My head is having a hard time working right now.... because its mostly focused on one thing. The boy. But here's the deal. I need to be really honest with myself right now, and since this has been the way that I have been processing, its going to happen right here on the blog.

I used to always think that things in a relationship would be black and white. That boundaries, both physical mental, spiritual and verbal, would be black and white. For example: (of COURSE I am going to make a list)

Saying I love you: wouldn't happen for a long time. Love is something that takes a long time to grow.

Kissing: Minimum for a while, gradually more as time progressed (as in like.... a LONG time)

Hands: Wouldn't happen to me... hands would stay off of certain areas, and that's all there was to it.

Things would move slowly: It would not be fast for me... I would want things to move at a very gradual pace.

Sex: Not until marriage. Period.

But here is what is scarring me. Now that I am in it, and not just watching it, things seems so...... gray. There is no better way of putting it.

No I have not slept with him, and I am not planning on it. But there again, I am feeling gray on other issues that I never even thought about before.

Gray. It's a really hard area!

This past Sunday, one of the points made in the sermon was about lust. Run away from lust. RUN. Far far away. Previous to the boy, that was easy. Now that the boy is in my life, not so easy. Since that time, I have found that saying going over and over in my head and thinking that maybe I am putting myself into situations where I am actually running towards it, instead of away from it and that freaks me out. Big time.

Today in church, we sang one of my favorite songs "He can move the Mountains." There is a line in that song that goes

So take me as you find me... all my fear and failures... fill my life again. I give my life to follow... every thing I believe in... now I surrender... I surrender.

My mind and my heart are battling it out. And I'm not sure who is winning or who I actually want to win. I feel so happy and so... good. But at the same time, I don't know if I am filling my life with the wrong thing. I feel so close to God right now, and I love that feeling. But I feel so close to the boy as well and I like that too!

The boy and I were talking the other night about standards and whatnot again, and I was really glad we did. However, the gray is messing with my black and white. For instance: napping. Okay just on the couch or is the bed okay? I don't know anymore! I told him I would have to think about that one... but I think that if I said yes, that would be running TOWARD lust and not away from it!

But here's the thing: I am very firmly grounded in my beliefs. I just never had to consider these types of things. Today's sermon was about being a leader and living by example. And I want to do that: live by example. Which again makes things SO gray!

But at the same time, I like the boy. A lot. And he makes me want to be a better person. And he makes me want to strengthen my faith and be closer to God. He challenges me to be who I am and I like that. Can you see why I tossed and turned last night while sleeping???

Maybe another part of my head spinning is that I am feeling very grown up right now. I know, totally cliche, but I really am. I feel very much like an adult right now... probably because I am. :) My bestie thought she was pregnant. She isn't but it was kind of a reality check...for both of us. I am living my life and this is it!

Which lead me to this: I am living my life for God, and loving it right now. I love it. I like having someone in my life who makes me happy in new ways, makes me feel extra special, makes me feel like a princess. I like having someone to confide in, who sends me a smilie text just because he feels like it, who brings me lunch at work just so he can see me for 5 minutes, who cuts out onions from his diet so I don't die when he kisses me, who takes 10 extra minutes saying goodnight, and who wants me to be a part of his life for a long time. I love it.

So, I'm working on the black and white versus gray issues right now. And let me tell you, it will be a long time before I will have them figured out. But until then, I'm going to stick with my gut instincts and go with black and white. That way, I won't regret something I do, I won't get myself into trouble, I won't send mixed signals, and I won't feel like I am contradicting what I believe.

Sound like a plan? I hope so...and I am going to do my best to follow it.

Lord, please help me to make good choices. Help me to be a witness for you, and to live by example. Fill my life again. I give my life to follow. Everything I believe in.... I SURRENDER. Take control of my heart. Be near to me. I pray this in your everlasting name, Amen.

firsts.

Recently I have had quite the list of first in my life. And, since you know my love for all things lists, I am going to make you another one. Yep, I do really love lists.

1. First time living really on my own: I LOVE IT. When I lived at SPU, I did the dorm thing, then the on-campus apartment...then off to my families house which I loved, but I never really was out on my own. Now, living in my own apartment, paying rent and loving every minute of it. It is really starting to feel like home now that I have my bookcase up. I put all of my little trinkets and whatnots out and it feels more like I actually live there. I think once I finish putting my bedroom all together and stop jumping house to house it will feel even more like home.

2. First time dealing with a friend's pregnancy scare: I guess it makes me feel like I am here and grown up. Crazy. My bestie could be pregnant. I don't think that she is, but there is a possibility. That would completely blow my mind.

3. First time feelings: I have had a huge amount of firsts in the feelings department recently. Feeling excited to have the boy in my life. Feeling nervous to have the boy in my life. Feeling crazy happy to have the boy in my life. Feeling like I could possibly get my heart broken and trying to guard it. Feeling like I need to be super careful with what I do and say so that I don't get into this too far and then pull away quickly. Feeling like my life is finally starting and I am truly enjoying it. Feeling like I need God more and more each day to keep me centered and grounded and my head on straight. Feeling like I am falling for someone like I have never fallen for anyone before. Feeling like I may actually really like the boy a lot more than I realize. Feeling scared out of my mind that I am feeling these kinds of thing.

4. First kiss: enough said. Except for the minor allergic reaction to the boy eating onions before that. Other than that... enough said. :)

5. First time loosing weight all on my own: yep, down two sizes and proud of it. And its just been through eating better (and less) and exercising. Well, working too.

6. First time keeping big things from people that I would like for them to know but I don't really want to tell them right now: Confusing enough? That's what I thought. We'll just keep it that way.

7. First time feeling really.....alive?: Again, confusing. But its kind of true. I feel like I have a spark, or a new kind of joy. A joy for all the firsts. Love it.

So, I feel like there will most likely be many more first in my life, but currently, I am loving the firsts list. Life. Is. Good.