I think my heart is lonely.  

look... I'm back so soon!

In trying to be more faithful to my blogging, I am going to enter right now.  Mostly because since I have been on break I can't sleep, so I am up right now... blogging.

I think I need to slow down.  My whole life I have been going at warp speed.  Walking at 8 months... kindergarten at 4... never mind, let's put her in 1st grade even though she is only 4!... going to college in high school... becoming a teacher while I am still a teenager... for the most part I think my life is on fast forward. 

Well, I am no 20.  20 years old.  And I think, in my head, I feel like I should be either a) about 15 again... or b) about 25.  Most of the time, I think I should be about 25, married to a great guy, and have a child on the way.  But then I remember, I JUST turned 20.  Yep... 20.  

I want, SO badly, to have a man in my life that is special.  Yes, a boyfriend.  Trust me, God and I have had quite a few talks about this one.  I've waited... never had one... read all the books... talked with people... seen experiences I DON'T want by looking at some of my peers... I feel like I am a nice person... yet NOTHING.

Nope.

Nothing.

Not even a single person.

Now, that being said, I am not the greatest at going out and searching!  Not that I am 20, that sort of helps... I'm no longer a teenager (I was still a teenager!...I can't believe it...) but my life is TOO BUSY FOR A LOVE LIFE.  I have to keep telling myself that.  Where would I find the time?!?!  I keep telling myself... I have enough on my plate... such as

professors

teaching

parents

siblings

26 children I have to teach

my life

my friends

and blogging :)

Where would I squeeze in a relationship?  I just know I could though... and it would be great.  I want a man in my life.  Sometime somewhat soon.  Okay... now.  

But, I still wait.  And I am OK with that... most of the time :)  I really am though.  I have my Lord and my Savior who is the man I am so deeply in love with and whom I am learning to put my whole life into so that I can worship him as he should be worshiped... giving fully of myself to him.  And that is all I need.  

I'm learning... a work in progress... and hopefully will always be!  It would be nice though to have someone to learn WITH.  As in WITH me... next to me... I guess I will continue patiently waiting.  
Well, it's now WAY past my bedtime... and I was planning on getting up early tomorrow... now that is NOT going to happen... oh well.  I'm on break.. right?

More to come... and it feels great to be back. 

I am going to try and be more faithful

I have not been a good blogger.  I am good at following other blogs... but updating mine... not so much.  Must be because my life is consumed by many people these days.  They include my mother, father, 3 brothers, friends, my mentor teacher, professors, and oh yeah... 26 children.  

I am going to try and update this more often so that I can have some sort of documentation of my life as a student teacher. I love my kids more than anything... sometimes they try my patience, but most of the time I just want to take them all home. 

Pray for Gabe, Brendon, Brandon, Kylea, and Jorden... these are some of my kids that I think need it the most. :)  

Let's see if I can do better... I shall try.    

a very long time ago, I blogged.

I realize that I haven't been on here in quite some time.  Funny thing is, I get quite annoyed when other blogs I read are not updated on a daily basis.  However, my life has been full of being a teacher, and I LOVE IT.  So, now I am going to settle in and watch one episode of Season 4 Grey's Anatomy which I got on DVD in preparation for Thursday's 2 hour season premier of Season 5.  

School starts next week and I am dreading every minute of it. Which is why I am spending so much time enjoying no reponsibility right now and staying under my covers as much as possible. :)

another adventure.

After reading my daily blogs (which include a few SPU people, one wedding photo blog, and a few others) I got inspired to write on my own blog.

I am currently in Seattle at my friend Sarah's apartment because we are leaving in the morning for HAWAII! I am beyond excited for this little adventure, and I can't wait for it to begin. We are currently documenting every part, including the ferry ride over here... maybe a few pictures in the morning while we are getting ready :)

I can't wait to step off of the plane and feel the heat, smell the flower-e smell and enjoy the BEACH.

I CAN'T WAIT!

God is good.

I just found out that my little buddy from camp got all of his scans back, and THEY ARE ALL CLEAR!!!! I am so incredibly happy for Diedra, Kailin, and Jay... I can't even imagine how excited they are. Let's hope and pray that his scans in November show the same! Oh, and if you want to check him out, his website it www.prayforjayellis.com. What a great day!!!

what camp is all about.

I know that I already posted about Camp, but to me, this IS the picture of camp. This is Kailin, who is 8 years old. Kailin's little brother Jay was diagnosed with cancer 18 months ago. In that time, Jay has crashed 8 times, gone through chemotherapy, radiation treatment, his Dad walked out on them, he lived at home with family, moved in with his grandparents, lived in the Ronald McDonald house, and dealt with his family falling apart. But in the moment of camp, when he shot off his homemade rocket with Chad, he was living in that moment, and fully living in that moment; nothing else in the world mattered: he was a kid.

a little bit of everything.

I realized today that it has been almost a month since I have written anything, but my life has been a bit busy.

Update:
1) I finished VBS two weeks ago. It was an amazing and extremely draining week, but wonderful. We had 150 children and over 100 volunteers, and it all went off without a hitch. Except for the little girl who put a bead up her nose and had to go to the ER, but that was no big deal. :)

2) Last week I worked at the most amazing Camp called "Camp-Side-By-Side". Hands down, one of the best weeks of my life.

A few highlights from the week:

Dan Wilson and Family: Yes, that Dan Wilson. I hung out with him and his family for 3 whole days. I ate meals, swam, danced with them, goofed off with his kids, and had an amazing time. We exchanged e-mails and #'s and such. AMAZING, and a dream come true for me.

Stories. I love hearing stories about people. Maybe that is why I enjoy reading people's blogs... because you can learn so much about someone and get inside their head. Well, this week was challenging in so many ways, but such a blessing in others. Hearing stories of kids dying from cancer, families torn apart and lost while their child is suffering was difficult. But to hear the faith of these families that they know God's presence and can feel it... amazing. Sometimes I as the question, "Where is God" and I can't even imagine having to ask that question and not know the answer, especially in times like this. But, as Buddies at camp, we are not there to fix anything; simply stand beside these families and listen.

Kids. I had the privilege and honor of hanging out with so many kids; which is probably my favorite thing in the world to do. These kids just got to be kids for the week, and to see that was amazing.

Being Goofy: Most of the time, I am a fairly reserved person. But at camp, I can totally be goofy, dance, sing, laugh until I cry, and generally be involved in activities adults normally save for kids.

People. I also got to meet some amazing amazing people at camp. The volunteers who work at so great!!! I got to hang out with a whole lot of people, and I couldn't have asked for better people to be around.

I feel like this may be my most positive blog... ever. I see that as when I give back, I get back so much more than I could ever want. I'll wait to post more until tomorrow.. :)

life and bad days.

Sometime, I just feel trapped. Trapped in my body, my life, my head, and my routines. Sometimes, I just want a change. Maybe its that I have been living and breathing VBS... maybe its that I am living at home again and feel like I am moving backwards in my life... maybe its that I have been seeing so many wedding/engagement pictures that I am just jealous of others.... maybe its that I wish I had some close friends who lived closer to me so that I could see them every day.... maybe its that I wish I wasn't lonely.

Sometimes I just have those days where I want to cry and be alone, but at the same time, I want someone to snuggle me up and just hold me. But, I've never had that, and I think that is starting to bother me. Problem is, men don't live in Silverdale, WA. Only boys... silly boys who think flat ironing their hair and buying girls pants are the most important things in life.

Sometimes I really really wish he would come back. I miss him, and having 3000 and the infrequent e-mails isn't all that satisfying.

Sometimes I wish my life would fast forward 5 years so I would be teaching school, be married to an amazing man, and have a kid on the way.....

Sometimes, I wish I would just enjoy the moment.

cancer.

My paternal grandmother died from breast cancer 2 years after I was born. I don't have any memories of her, but I hear she was a wonderful woman of the Lord and was loved by many. She has been my main connection to 'knowing someone with cancer.'

This week, I was completely floored by news that a close friend from church was diagnosed with breast cancer. She is 41, married, and has a 2nd grader and a 6th grader. She went in for her 2nd ever mammogram, right on schedule with another close church friend. One got negative results, and one turned up positive. In less than three weeks, she has been diagnosed with breast cancer, had her left breast removed, as well as 15 lymph nodes, and just got back results that 11 of those had cancer. Today was her cat scan, bone scan, and some other tests.

Cancer has never hit me this close before. I have babysat for her kids since Emily, the youngest was born. I have house sat, 3 years in a row, over Thanksgiving so that their family can go on vacation. She teaches preschool at my church. I am at a loss for words because it has hit me so hard. I cannot even imagine my own mother having breast cancer. She is an amazing woman, and I am not quite sure how I am going to live without her; she is my rock and strong hold.

I have a hard time talking about it... because all I can think about is my own mother which I know is selfish, but true. We have been praying for her, and getting updates, but I can't imagine what her and her family are going through. More will be known in the coming weeks, but for now... I guess all we can do is pray.

mixed emotions.

This was quite an interesting day.  Side note- I have been slacking on blogging only because my life is so full of Vacation Bible School right now that I am living and breathing VBS every second of every day.  That being said, it was a very interesting day.

I got to go and see my dear friend in Tacoma today.  We had quite the lovely conversation interspersed with some heartache and pain, laughter and love, and as always, some reminiscing. She is one of those people that even after not seeing for a while, things just come right back together and we don't even skip a beat... it's like we were never apart.  I think that is one way you can tell a wonderful friend... even when the world around us is changing so rapidly, our friendship never changes. 

Then I got to deal with family crap.  Sometimes I wish that I didn't live at home.  Enough said.

I hope today gets better... we shall see 

so hard.

I'm having a really hard time with the fact I am moving out tomorrow from my amazing apartment, and the most wonderful family I could ever have lived with.  This has been an amazing blessing, and my heart is breaking that I won't be able to see my kids everyday.  I guess I just don't know what I am going to do... 

long day...

Today seemed quite long.  I got to hang out with the children... all day.  It was good, but I was so incredibly sore and tired today!!!  I went and played soccer with Anne Marie this week, which was awesome, and I didn't get hurt, but I am so so sore!  I feel like I used some muscles in my body that I have never ever used.  I also have two blisters on my toes... quite painful.  

I got to hang out with a friend this evening down at the Village, it was great.  It's always nice to just sit and chat.  

Then I browsed that isles of Barnes and Nobles, attempting to look scholarly... didn't work out so well.  

Got home, and now I am just sitting in bed watching my most favorite Food Network show: Unwrapped.   My new job opportunities: Pancake Expert or Small Kitchen Consultant.  Off to bed... don't have to work till 4 tomorrow... which means sleeping in to a ridiculously late hour.  Oh the joys of summer. :)

just a few of my favorite quotes.

"All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them." -- Galileo Galilei

"I have only one superstition. I touch all the bases when I hit a home run." -- Babe Ruth

"Jesus' healings are not supernatural miracles in a natural world. They are the only truly 'natural' things in a world that is unnatural, demonized and wounded." -- Jurgen Moltmann

Prayer, does not work like a vending machine: insert request, receive answer. Miraces are just that, miracles, not "ordinaries" common to daily experience. -- Yancey

"In poverty and other misfortunes of life, true friends are a sure refuge. The young they keep out of mischief; to the old they are a comfort and aid in their weakness, and those in the prime of life they incite to noble deeds." -Aristotle

"Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me." ~Meredith

After careful consideration and many sleepless nights, here’s what I've decided. There's no such thing as a grown-up. We move out, we move away from our families. But the basic insecurities, the fears and all the old wounds just grow up with us. Just when you think life has forced you to truly become an adult, your mother says something like that. We get bigger, taller, older. But, for the most part, we're still a bunch of kids, running around the playground, trying desperately to fit in.~ Meredith

Romans 12:9-21: Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.
Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"says the Lord. On the contrary: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”~ C.S. Lewis

felix.

By the way, just found out that they think Felix's ankle is just a sprain, and they expect him to pitch on his next scheduled appearance in 5 days.... good news for everyone :)

The Seattle Mariners.

I am a HUGE Mariner's fan.  Enough said.  I know a lot about them... follow their every move... go to the games... own enough clothing to hold stock in them... you get the picture.  

Today was an amazing game.  Sadly enough, it didn't end too well, but the beginning was good.  Felix Hernandez.  AKA, the King of the Mariners.  He is 22, started when he was 18, and was out pitcher today.  Well, because the Mariners aren't doing so hot these days, they figured, "Why not let our pitcher hit?  We're already doing terrible, it can't do any harm.. right?"  So, Felix gets up... 2 outs in the inning... bases loaded... and hits a grand slam.  Oh yeah.  A grand slam.  

Unfortunately, he got hurt in the 5th, and didn't get the 5-1 win over the Braves, but in my book, he earned that win.  I mean come on, the guy pitched a 2 hitter, and drove in 4 of the 5 runs.... he won that game.  Now we have to wait and see how bad the ankle injury is.. 

Oh, and my all time favorite baseball player Willie Bloomquist played today, and was one of those men on base when Felix got up.  Good luck charm?    

busy busy.

Today was a very busy day.  I was at home this morning, and had a meeting with my mentor teacher for this fall.  It's weird to think that I am going to be in a classroom with her this fall, having her watch me and criticize my teaching.  I have known her for 13 years... I guess this will be a good learning experience about how to take criticism.  

Then I came back to Seattle... side note: I think there was something wrong with the ferry today.  When I woke up 10 minutes before we were supposed to dock, I was facing the West Seattle Bridge.  We then proceeded to move slowly to the left... and back to the right... and back to the left... it was by far the weirdest ferry ride I have ever been on.  

There was tons of traffic coming back, but I made it back 2 minutes after 2.  Got to watch the kids... my last Monday with them.  I got to do two of my favorite things with the kids today.  1) When David woke up EXACTLY an hour after David put him down, I went up, and he seemed really tired still.  So I gave him the rest of the bottle, and he fell back asleep which meant I got to snuggle with him on the bed, and take a little rest.  Such a good feeling to look into his eyes as he is falling asleep... total trust.  2) I got to snuggle with Betsy when she woke up... or we woke her up. :) She like to cuddle in and then throw her arms around me.  Great.

On a much more random note: I have discovered that I wasted my money on college.  There is some background to this: I like watching TV.  Maybe because I never had one before, but I love to watch TV, especially late late at night.  On the Food Channel (my favorite.. it's very relaxing.. you should watch it sometime), there is a show called "Unwrapped".  They explain how things are made, and their history.  The best part of it is though, is reading people's title.  Why didn't I ever think about being a 'Margarine Historian' or a 'Black Eyed Pea Advisor'.  I mean, honestly, that would be so fun!  Why didn't I think about that? OH, they just profiled a 'Deep Fried Pickle Expert'.  Yes, that is what I think I should do with my life.  

Tomorrow I am going to look at a VBS... and then work... and then.... I don't know what.     

home with the fam.

Today was wonderful, I got to spend the whole day with my family. Scones for breakfast... in my sweats till noon... and then a wonderful afternoon hanging out in town with Kevin. He is such a great kid... doesn't mind waiting for me in the dressing room... makes me laugh 'like nothin' before' and sings crazy loud with me to the radio.

VBS planning tonight... kind of stressful... but hopefully tomorrow will be better.

today.

I had quite a few things going on today... and had a lot of time to think

a) I was sitting on the hardwood floor upstairs at my house in Seattle, laughing with my baby today, and got a bit emotional. I'm not a big fan of germs, and most of the time, people laugh at me about my insecurity about touching things. But today, David was COVERED in graham crackers and juice, and I wanted nothing more than for him to snuggle right into the crook of my neck and hold on tight. He gets in these moods where he loves to just be held, and I love it. I was completely covered in spit up, graham crackers, juice, poop, baby power, desitin, mandarin oranges, and slobber by the end of the day, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

b) Later, we went upstairs to wake up Betsy, and she was absolutely adorable. I love to catch her when she's really calm, because you see a different side of her, a much more subdued and candid side of her. She put her arms around my neck and pulled me close for some snuggle time, and told me she loved me. It was wonderful.

c) I was on the ferry this afternoon, realizing how much I love Seattle. I love the buildings, the smells, the sights, the traffic (although not so much today) and I love being part of everything in it.

d) I started thinking today about my life this past year, as it is hard to realize another year of school is over. This year went by so incredibly fast, and I was remembering my first cold and painful nights in my first apartment when I thought this year would never end. I started this year heart-broken, without my best friend, and totally lost in this world. I had to rebuild, made amazing life-long friendships, and got to experience something I had always dreamed of; being a live-in-nanny. At the time, I thought God might have forgotten about me, that I was left out. But I know that he had bigger and better things for me, that he knew what he was doing, and was just waiting for me to come to him. I had a wonderful school year, a wonderful time living with my family, and got to experience the love of friends.

e) When I got home tonight, I got to hang out with my family. I can't believe that another school year is over for them too.. it seems like yesterday they were born. I can't believe they are in 9th and 7th grade, time is moving too quickly. I seem to have days where I wish we could just stay exactly where we are; days where I wish I could see what was happening 50 years from now, and days when I wish I could see a year from now. I love thinking about the future, but today was a day I wished it would all stop and stay exactly the same.

f) I am thoroughly enjoying this blogging thing... I feel like it is a real outlet for me, and a way to convey my thoughts and feelings about the day... Maybe my own little quiet time to reflect, pray, and think about my life. Today was great... can't wait to see what happens tomorrow... maybe scones for breakfast? :)

my kids.

So, for the last 8 months, I have lived with the most amazing family as their nanny. I have two wonderful children that I take care of, and I have truly come to love them.

Betsy, who is 3 is a little spitfire, as well as a little angel. She is energetic, loving, funny, quirky, sneaky, and adorable, all wrapped into one petite blue eyes, blond little girl. She loves to swing, run around naked, pinch people, play in the mud, put band aids all over baby dolls, and eat as much dessert as she can. She is a true joy in my life, and I don't quite know what I am going to do without her smiling little face looking at me from the top of the stairs.

David is now 11 months old, and will turn 1 on July 25th. I moved in when he was 3 months old, a little bundle of joy still trying to figure out this world. I can't believe that he is now almost a whole year old. I have seen all of his big milestones - his first tooth, the first time he rolled over, his first solid foods, his first word, his first steps, his first.. everything. When he was smaller, we would always take naps together, all snuggled up on my couch, I don't think I've ever slept better. When I would rock him to sleep and he would just gaze up into my eyes, that's a feeling I will never forget. The hardest part of this is that I know he won't remember me, and that breaks my heart. The person who takes over my job will get to have all those memories with me, and he will remember her, not me.

I know that I will be coming back to visit, but it won't be the same. I almost wish I was doing my student teaching over here, and I could live here next year... and the next year... and the next... just so that I could see them grow up. They will always have a special place in my heart, I just wish I would have one in theirs.

one more thing.

I guess now this is addicting... already. A few other thoughts I was having tonight.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my future husband and what he is going to be like. I have all these ideas in my head about what I think he is going to do, and how he is going to act, and what we are going to do together… I think of things that I want in my husband, and I wonder if I will ever find that special person I can spend the rest of my life with... that special person who makes me a better person... that special person who makes me... me.

I want a man who will stay up late with me doing nothing, and then sleep in late with me.
I want a man who will make me get up early with me, just so we can go and watch the sunrise (and then let me go back to sleep).
I want a man who will bring me home flowers and ice cream just because
I want a man who will cook dinner with me, and then offer to do the dishes.

Maybe someday... hopefully sooner than later.

reasons.

I have a weird fascination with reading about other people's lives. I like to find people's blogs, mostly people I don't know all that well, and then read their blogs. When I say read, I mean really read. As in all of their posts. Then, when I seem them somewhere, I feel like I know them more than they know. Maybe a little bit creepy, but I like finding out about other people's lives.

I love to listen to people tell about their lives, but mostly I just like to listen. I love it when I can break through into someones life and have them open up to me; its a great feeling to know they trust you enough to talk to you about deep personal and intimate details of their lives. Being vulnerable is hard, and I think that is why I like hearing about people; I like people to be vulnerable.

Me being vulnerable, that's another story, but I'm working on it... maybe that's why I started a blog.