downs and ups.

This past week has been the hardest week of teaching so far this year. It's been rough. I've felt drained. Tired, beaten down, and not sure what to do. One of those OH MY GOSH WHAT DID I GET MYSELF INTO weeks. That being said, I love my kids. I love being with them. I love teaching. But its been rough. Really rough.

I got a new student a week ago Friday. And he is causing me to grow and stretch and figure out how to be a teacher that can teach him. And I'm not sure I can. That has lead to countless meetings. Convincing people he is not able to be in my classroom. I feel like I can't go without being 3 feet from him because I worry about the safety of my students. Oddly enough, I don't worry about my safety, just my kids safety. Especially the girls, he seems to be most interested in being physical with them. Makes me nervous and I don't like that.

I was feeling unsuccessful. Like I shouldn't be doing this.

Then my sweet little James. Oh James. That kid has lived more than he should, and he's only 11. My heart just breaks for him. They got evicted, so he showed up one morning early to do his homework and said they were moving that afternoon. I told him NO. He was not going to leave me. I cared about him and loved him too much to let him go. The end of that story is I figured out a loophole that allows them to be transported to our school because they are 'home less'. So Monday morning, they will be picked up and brought to school. Hopefully. I doubt it will last long because Mom isn't exactly on board with everything. I just want him to feel loved. I just want him to have a chance. To do better for himself. To be a kid. I guess we'll see Monday morning.

It was a good thing that I didn't have kids on Friday. I needed a day without them. So, Thursday they were testing the alarm system at our school. As in, going off for 45 minutes strobe lights and all. Crazy. 3 of us left and headed to Starbucks instead of waiting. When I got back, I decided it was the perfect time to clean up. To get organized. To do some serious planning. And boy, did I actually feel SUCCESSFUL. I stayed WAY late...as in 9 PM.

Then Friday, we didn't have kids and it was a teacher in service day. Just lots of time to have meetings. I stayed late Friday too because I am SO excited about teaching SCIENCE! Cindy, my teaching partner, and I are going to be sharing teaching Social Studies and Science. I am going to do 2 units of science, and she is going to teach social studies. So, Tuesdays and Thursdays, I will teach science to her kids and mine, and she will teach social studies to hers and then mine. Can't even tell you how excited I am about this! I am doing the human body kit, and I am SO excited. I will let you know how it goes. :)

This was what I needed. To get me feeling successful again and excited. I needed this. It will force me to be even more on track of what I am teaching and be structured and organized. That is a good thing.

So, after a crazy busy week of rough and tough kids, I am feeling like I can do this. I am feeling successful. I am feeling good again.

A weight has been lifted, I am feeling successful. I am loving it. Life feels like its on its way up.

oh my.

Things have been a bit crazy which in turn has made me a bad blogger.

Let's see here....

School: Crazy. New student. Meetings. Papers to grade. Mentors. Meetings. Planning. Science Fair. Art. Parents. Office Visits. In school Suspension. Crazy.

Family: My Aunt Died. Mom has been high maintenance. Kevin is adorable as always. Kristopher is still Kris. Dad has been pretty low key but wrapped up a new phase.

Friends: Can't go more than 2 days with out E. Haven't seen S in forever but we have been talking on the phone more. The Boy....he deserves his own section.

The Boy: Haven't seen him since December 28th...until tonight. Heard from him 3 times in between. Had a really good time....with Matt tonight...his friend. :) Oh life.

Life: Working on trying to not feel so restless. Working on feeling happy with being settled. Working on...just living and enjoying it.

restless...

This is a pretty personal post. But, I think that is okay.

I am feeling restless. The definition of restless is

1. characterized by or showing inability to remain at rest: a restless mood.

2. unquiet or uneasy, as a person, the mind, or the heart

3. without rest; without restful sleep: a restless night

4. unceasingly active; averse to quiet or inaction, as persons

5. marked by a lack of quiet, repose, or rest

6. not able to rest, relax, or be still

Let me preface this with: I have a great life. I should be very thankful for all I have, for the many blessings God has given me. I should be satisfied. But at the same time, I am feeling restless.

I'm 21. I have a full time grown up job. I pay my own rent. Make the same payment every month on my car. Pay my car insurance payments. I have a Costco membership. I. Am. Settled.

But in all truth, I feel stuck. I feel trapped. And it feels very scary.

Is this my life? Is this all there is? A job I love, go to everyday, go to the gym, come home, eat by myself, and go to bed. Get up the next morning and do it all over. Weekends? Work on Saturdays sleep in Sunday, go to church, and prepare for Monday.

I'm feeling restless. Stuck. Trapped.

But at the same time...I love what I have.

So how do I get out? How do I make a change? How do I make myself feel more...settled and content?

...not really looking for answers :) just processing.

2010...

The end of a decade. Crazy. 10 years ago, I was in elementary school, and now here I am teaching elementary school. 2009 is over, and we are well into the first day of 2010. 2009 was a year of changes, big decisions, mistakes, lessons learned, and growth.

And as I am a fan of lists...I would like to do a quick recap of 2009.

~I completed my student teaching. Truly fell in love with 26 amazing students. I had such a fantastic mentor teacher and feel like I learned how to truly teach. I finally reached my goal of being a teacher. Certified, stamped, and registered in the State of Washington as a teacher.

~Took on two long term substitute jobs. Got to get my feet wet in teacher and completely loved it.

~Had an amazing Spring Break, and much needed, vacation in Arizona with my bestie. We soaked up all the sun, baseball, and junkfood we could. Such a great trip.

~Came back from said trip and decided it was time to start taking care of myself. Started working on eating better, one step at a time.

~Enjoyed 20 baseball games this season. My slightly obsession with the Seattle Mariner's continues.

~Started working two summer jobs. One at a gym in town, and the other at a conference center. Almost quit said jobs as well, but stuck it out. The gym turned out to be great, but the conference center was not so great.

~Moved into my own apartment. Best decision for keeping things kosher with my family. And I’m only 10 minutes away. It’s Perfect…minus the dark green paint…but that can always change. J

~Went to a BUNCH of concerts...and loved all of them. Kenny Chesney, Lady A, Taylor Swift, Rascal Flatts, Darius Rucker, Sugarland, Miranda Lambert, and Keith Urban to name a few!

~Had one interview for a teaching position. And didn't get the job.

~Worked at Camp Side By Side again and learned how kids with cancer have way more faith than I have. Challenging week to say the least.

~Had another job interview...and didn't get the job.

~My relationship with the Boy took off and hit the road running. July 8^th will be a day that forever changed my life. We became friends, and he was in my life for the next four months. What a summer of learning, growth, mistakes, fun, excitement, mistakes, learning, and some serious personal growth. While things didn’t end up exactly the way I had hoped, I am glad that we are still friends and hopefully things will stay that way. First love, first heartbreak all in one year.

~Was hired as a teacher. A real teacher. Granted, it was 36 hours before school started, but I finally did it. I finally accomplished what I had worked for in elementary school, junior high, high school, running start, and college. I did it. Probably what I am most proud of this year.

~Realized how blessed I am and also how selfish I can be. Again, room for lots of personal growth.

~Gave my heart away to my 24 students. Learning how to separate out my life and theirs. We celebrated Thanksgiving in style with a full meal and lots of good cheer. A few tears of joy were shed and its forever in my memory. Celebrated Christmas as well and tried to show the kids the wonder of Christmas found in ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas. Hopefully they will take that with them even as they grow older.

~Lost 52 pounds this year. Yay! About 50 more to go… good thing I have 2010 too!

So, in the year of 2010…I have a few things I would like to accomplish. A few things I would like to happen. A few things that I am hoping I will have the courage and strength to do.

2010:

~Loose 50 pounds.

~Get into a small group

~Meet someone who will change my life...that can be taken in many different ways and probably all of them are true.

~Spend more time being still…“Be still and know that I am God”

~Be more organized. At home, at work, and in my car J

~Spend more time investing in my friendships.

I think that is all I have for now…Although I have a whole year to add more things to this list. So look back for more.

tonight.

So excited...

To go bowling...

With the boy...

And enjoy some fun friend time..

Together.

So excited...

P.S. I am realizing am I am reading over my past few posts it looks like I am a yo-yo of emotions. But this is my person journal, my way of getting what is in my head out into words, so that I can process it.

So while I realize my emotions have been a yo-yo, I am okay with that. And in all actuality, they really are not. On the outside, I am very even keeled. I am pretty stoic. But when I let loose and let all of those thoughts out, they come out like a broken mess of emotions. But that is okay.

friends.

Today I was suprised by a wonderful little pick me up gift that couldn't have come at a better time. My friend Rob, who I went to college and traveled to France with, sent me a package.

Earlier this year, I sent him a cake on his birthday. He set aside his life and moved to Iowa to work as an Americops volunteer. I know that they work hard, and do great things. So, in thanks, sent him a cake.

Today, I opened a package to find a sweet card, and a home made hand made hat. It's perfect. Warmed my heart in a way he will never ever know. Touched me and made me feel loved which couldn't have come at a better time.

The love of friends is good.

tough.

Tough to find out that while I was complaining about not hearing from the Boy, he was dealing with his Grandfather having a stroke and sitting waiting to find out if he would survive.

Tough to find out while I was feeling sad, he was hurting.

Tough to find out while I was lonely, he was comforting his family.

Tough to realize I can be very selfish.

But realization is the first step to progress, right?