dealing...

Its not going so well.

Every song reminds me of you. Literally, every single song. Somehow...someway.

Every movie.

Every store.

Every time I get a text I hope its from you.

Everyday I miss you... and my heart hurts.

It's not easy...and I'm not dealing well...tonight. But tomorrow is a new day. Hopefully.

Letter #2:

Hello my dear,

Letter #2 it is. Still feeling alone.

It's raining out right now...actually, it pouring. And there is some thunder. And lightening.

I hate thunder and lightening. A lot. I am not scared of many things. But I am really scared of thunder. Oh, and lightening.

I wish you were here. Because I know that you would already know this. And you would hide under the covers with me...and cover my ears...and make it all better. You would think that I am adorable even in my sweats. You would love me for me.

That's all for tonight.

Love, Me

Letter #1:

To my future husband,

I have always talked about writing letters to my future spouse. All talk, and no action. Well, tonight feels like the night to write my first letter.

These are the kinds of nights that I wish you were here sitting next to me. I wish I already had you with me. I wish you were holding me in your arms and telling me everything was going to be alright. I wish that I had you here with me.

I feel so alone. Right here, right now...I feel alone. I don't know what to do. I want so badly to know you...to have the wait be over. I want to be able to spend the rest of my life with you and not feel this way.

I hope you are thinking of me right now too. I think I miss you even though I've never met you.

Love, Me

made it.

I made it to Spring Break.

It was touch and go there for a little while. :)

My original plan was to go to Arizona for break to watch Mariner's Spring Training...but that didn't happen. Not enough money in the bank.

So instead, I my plan was to hang out with Emily a bunch. But...I'm not sure that is going to happen. See...there is a boy in her life now, which means she has dropped off the face of the planet. So not exactly sure what is going to happen now. We were going to go on a day trip, or overnight trip to Ocean Shores...we were going to make lots of smoothies...and go shopping...and go to the movies...and bake...and make me a treasure chest for my classroom...get our nails did, but I don't know if any of that is going to happen.

Last night didn't go as planned either. I slept in until 2 in the afternoon...and moved my lazy self to the couch. Around 8:30 (PM, yes, in the evening) I decided I should probably shower. I had a feeling that the Boy would text me. I don't know how I know when he is going to text...but somehow I always do. So I hop in the shower..and then when I got out...oh yes. He had texted. I had dropped off cinnamon rolls at his sister and brother-in-laws house...two weeks ago. Apparently this was the first he had heard of it.

So he texted me...innocent flirting back and forth... good thing I showered. He was down at Rich's...and wanted me to come hang out. Bad idea, I know. But I wanted to. I wanted to see him. I miss him every day. All the time. No matter what I say or do...I still miss him. And I hate that!

So, I headed down there...and just hung out with the Boy and Rich. We watched a movie...and just chatted. It was just what I needed. And then Rich went to bed. And the Boy and I snuggled on the couch. And I wanted to stay. But I came home. Ugh.

I always do so well...and then he knows just when I am feeling so vulnerable...and he can swoop in and somehow make me feel so much better. I don't know how to get over that. I don't know how to figure this out. I just don't know.

On other notes...life is flying by. It seems recently I have had to make lots of big life decisions...and I don't know how I feel about that. Rough.

I can't believe that I am 2/3 of my way through school. It's crazy. I just applied to teach summer school.

I am making a mutual friend's wedding cake. Should be fun.

I am thinking of going to Hawaii this summer. As in...seriously considering it. Even though I probably can't afford it, I really really want to go. A "congrats you made it through your first year of teaching" reward to myself.

I've been loving church recently. Its been great. So has small group. We have this week off.

I am trying to plan out the rest of my school year. A daunting task. But I am excited at the same time.

I think that is all. For now. Hopefully I will post before a month is up again. If I make it. :)

movin on.

I think that needs to be the title of my life right now. I need to move on. I need to trust in God that he has a plan for me that way better than I could ever plan for myself. I need to believe that he truly does have my best interest in mind. I need to work on trusting him more. I need to work on loving him more. I need to work on making him my number one focus.

How am I going to do that? Not sure...but I think I have some ideas to get me started.

Bible Study: Monday nights. Do my homework for that. Every day. Pray. Read the bible

Bible Study: Wednesday nights. Build relationships. Realize how good life is for me. Focus less on fear and more on future.

Church: Commite 100% to going EVERY WEEK. To really listen. And learn. To put my money on the mission again.

The Boy: I need to be done. I need to not let him hold onto the control he has in my life. I need to MOVE ON. I need to not answer texts, phone calls, or e-mails. I need to just be DONE.

So that is my grand master plan. My plan for becoming more focused on HIM and less focused on him. My plan for living more for HIM and less for me. My plan for trusting HIM. My plan for loving HIM more.

life.

Has its ups and downs.

Good and bads.

Rough and easy.

Stressful and relaxing.

Sad and Happy.

Frustrating and simple.

Confusing and understanding.

I feel like this has been my life recently.

Back and forth.

Ups and Downs.

Such is life.

i should really post this...

So I was going over new years goals today...and realized I should update one of them!

Last Sunday, I was still in 0 small groups. None. Just hadn't found anything and to be honest...I really hadn't been looking.

As of Monday night, I am in 2.

One is a Women's Super Group...we meet for 8 weeks and there are about 60 women. I am in a small group IN that group with 6 other ladies. At first I thought that it might not work...all of them are over 30, married, with kids. However, I think it will be a good group to be in...we are talking about Discerning the Voice of God. Something I really need.

Then, a teacher at my school invited me to come to HER small group. Turns out I know 3 of the people in it. They are all 20-30 and I think it might be just right for me.

So YAY! Accomplished one of my New Year's Goals.