Part Seven
(Read part one and part two and part three and part four and part five and part six first.)
I was kind of excited to go to Bible Study the next week. I was getting more comfortable around people. Having a Monday night group with a great group of godly woman, and then having a Wednesday night group with my peers. I felt like I was fully investing my life in God and putting my full focus on him. And he started to work on piecing my broken heart back together.
Life felt better.
It was easier to smile.
At my Monday group, I shared my story and was supported by an amazing group of Christian mentors. I felt like God placed each and every one of them in my life to support me, challenge me, help me grow, and to just love me.
Wednesday night group gave me a sense of belonging, made me feel like I could have friends. People who I could go and do things with. People who were teaching me how to have healthy relationships again.
That Wednesday, I was excited to see this mystery guy again. If not for anything but just to see those blue eyes. Man, they just would draw you in!
He didn’t say much that night, but when I asked what type of dessert I should bring the next week, he quickly said brownies. I filed that away in my brain to remember to make brownies for next week’s group.
God was starting to break down some of those barriers and walls I had around my heart.
That week, brownies it was. I got there early with Kim, and was kind of nervous about seeing this guy again. I still didn’t know his name!
Everyone got settled in…and he wasn’t there. Darn.
About 20 minutes into group, he showed up. And guess what? There was an open seat right next to me on the couch. As in… RIGHT next to me. He could have sat somewhere else, but he sat right next to me.
Now, normally, I would have completely frozen and not have known what to do. He was sitting SOCLOSE to me…but for some odd reason…it just felt… okay. I felt like God was telling me not to run. Not to hide. Not to be scared. That this was just…good.
After group, as soon as we got in the car, Kim and I gushed the WHOLE way back about how CLOSE he was sitting and we were still trying to figure out his name!
That next week was Spring Break. I was spending it hiding from my life down with a friend. We were just going to enjoy sleeping in, shopping, relaxing, cooking, baking, and going out a few times.
That meant I wasn’t going to get to see him that week.
But….I had this bookshelf. In my classroom. And I am awful at putting things together.
So, my brilliant idea to see if he might be interested…without really making the first step… was to e-mail my bible study group to see if someone could help me. If he responded, great. If not, great. Oh, and I finally figured out his name! Ryan. I liked that name.
Sure enough…I e-mailed. He responded. And that’s when I chickened out. I just let him know that I had it done by someone else, but Thank you so much! for the offer.
That next week and Bible Study…he didn’t show up. But at that point, it was okay. I felt like my life was on the mission. I felt like my heart was in the right place. And I didn’t need him to make me have a reason to go to group. I wanted to go to group. He was just a bonus.
Our bible study leader asked us to all sign up for times to work during a church service monitoring our table so that people could ask questions during what we call “Group Link”.
I always go to the night services, so I signed up for the 6:30.
And what do you know. So did he.
Same time.
That next Sunday was going to be a big night in my life.
To be continued…
Thursday, September 9, 2010
The Boy: The Meeting...
Part Six
(Read part one and part two and part three and part four and part five first.)
That Wednesday, I rode with my friend Kim to Bible Study. Again, broke out in a sweat in the car. Good thing she liked to be early too. That way, I could find a seat, stay there till it was over and then book it out of there! Social situations just brought me way too much anxiety.
Luckily, I knew the people who were hosting the bible study, and settled into my corner on the couch. More people showed up… a married couple, another couple (or at least they looked like a couple), another single girl…another couple…and one single guy.
He showed up late.
We did our introductions and I didn’t catch his name.
But I did catch: his EYES. They were SO blue they just drew you in. Like…really blue.
And for some odd reason…I felt like he was staring at me. The WHOLE bible study. If he answered a question, he would look at me like we were the only two people in the room and answer it. I didn’t say a word, I could barely even say my name, but I kept catching his eyes the whole night.
When I left and got into the car with Kim, the first thing she said was, “That one guy kept staring at you!”
I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t even know his name! But his blue eyes were stuck in my head…like they were somehow able to pierce deep into my soul and see the true me.
(Read part one and part two and part three and part four and part five first.)
That Wednesday, I rode with my friend Kim to Bible Study. Again, broke out in a sweat in the car. Good thing she liked to be early too. That way, I could find a seat, stay there till it was over and then book it out of there! Social situations just brought me way too much anxiety.
Luckily, I knew the people who were hosting the bible study, and settled into my corner on the couch. More people showed up… a married couple, another couple (or at least they looked like a couple), another single girl…another couple…and one single guy.
He showed up late.
We did our introductions and I didn’t catch his name.
But I did catch: his EYES. They were SO blue they just drew you in. Like…really blue.
And for some odd reason…I felt like he was staring at me. The WHOLE bible study. If he answered a question, he would look at me like we were the only two people in the room and answer it. I didn’t say a word, I could barely even say my name, but I kept catching his eyes the whole night.
When I left and got into the car with Kim, the first thing she said was, “That one guy kept staring at you!”
I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t even know his name! But his blue eyes were stuck in my head…like they were somehow able to pierce deep into my soul and see the true me.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
The Boy: Two Months Before
Part Five
(Read part one and part two and part three and part four first.)
Super Bowl Sunday, my life changed.
A girl from church called to invite me to a woman’s super group at church. My first thought was NO WAY. Too many people, too much talking, and too much sharing. Not. For. Me.
But God had a different plan. For some odd reason, I just said yes. And I don’t just say yes to ANYTHING. I have to think about it, plan it out, make sure it is okay and will work, and then I will say yes. But I just said yes.
It starts tomorrow? Oh. Boy. Not quite ready for that.
I was nervous the whole day at school. I knew that night I was going to have to go because I told her I was going to be there. Plus, I wasn’t doing anything anyways. I was never doing anything.
Walking down the hall at school that day, one of my teaching friends stopped me. “Have I ever invited you to my small group?” You have GOT to be kidding me.
I had been avoiding getting into a small group for almost a year. And now TWO offers in TWO days??? And again, for some very strange reason, I just said yes.
I joined my {second} small group.
That might at Bible Study #1, I walked into the room, and recognized a few people. That helped with the massive amount of anxiety I was feeling...and showing. I broke out in a cold sweat before I even got through the doors. This was a big step for me.
But God had big plans for me. I enjoyed Bible Study. Met some great women. And started to feel like my heart might be able to heal.
I decided that night that I needed to focus more on HIM, and less on him. I needed to give my whole heart, or what I thought I had left to HIM, and not to him anymore. I needed to depend on HIS love, and not cling to his love. I needed to be satisfied by the one that can fully satisfy, instead of try to be satisfied by surface superficial love.
I committed myself to the 8 week bible study in the woman’s super group. The topic? Discerning the voice of God. I can tell you this. I KNEW that was the voice of God.
I committed myself to my Bible Study #2 as well.
I committed myself to going to Church EVERY Sunday. I needed my focus and my whole life to be devoted to HIM. And I hit the pavement running…
(Read part one and part two and part three and part four first.)
Super Bowl Sunday, my life changed.
A girl from church called to invite me to a woman’s super group at church. My first thought was NO WAY. Too many people, too much talking, and too much sharing. Not. For. Me.
But God had a different plan. For some odd reason, I just said yes. And I don’t just say yes to ANYTHING. I have to think about it, plan it out, make sure it is okay and will work, and then I will say yes. But I just said yes.
It starts tomorrow? Oh. Boy. Not quite ready for that.
I was nervous the whole day at school. I knew that night I was going to have to go because I told her I was going to be there. Plus, I wasn’t doing anything anyways. I was never doing anything.
Walking down the hall at school that day, one of my teaching friends stopped me. “Have I ever invited you to my small group?” You have GOT to be kidding me.
I had been avoiding getting into a small group for almost a year. And now TWO offers in TWO days??? And again, for some very strange reason, I just said yes.
I joined my {second} small group.
That might at Bible Study #1, I walked into the room, and recognized a few people. That helped with the massive amount of anxiety I was feeling...and showing. I broke out in a cold sweat before I even got through the doors. This was a big step for me.
But God had big plans for me. I enjoyed Bible Study. Met some great women. And started to feel like my heart might be able to heal.
I decided that night that I needed to focus more on HIM, and less on him. I needed to give my whole heart, or what I thought I had left to HIM, and not to him anymore. I needed to depend on HIS love, and not cling to his love. I needed to be satisfied by the one that can fully satisfy, instead of try to be satisfied by surface superficial love.
I committed myself to the 8 week bible study in the woman’s super group. The topic? Discerning the voice of God. I can tell you this. I KNEW that was the voice of God.
I committed myself to my Bible Study #2 as well.
I committed myself to going to Church EVERY Sunday. I needed my focus and my whole life to be devoted to HIM. And I hit the pavement running…
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
The Boy: The Winter Before...
Part Four
(Read part one and part two and part three first.)
It wasn’t until January that I finally officially ended things for good. And while I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, I felt the loneliness set it.
A deep sense of loneliness.
And along with that loneliness, lots of anxiety.
Things that hadn’t bothered me before, things that I could laugh off, things that normally I would get over quickly, suddenly hit me harder than ever before.
Getting out of bed became more of a chore every day.
Sleeping was difficult.
I stopped doing things that I once found a lot of enjoyment in.
I tried to stay connected with my family and friends, but it was difficult.
And this was a feeling that I had never felt before.
But it weighted heavily on me.
I felt like a darkness had set in on my life and I wasn’t sure how to get out.
I discovered I have some deep set abandonment issues. They stem from a stressed relationship with my father and his tendency to just ‘abandon ship’ when the going got tough. And so from that, I developed a fear of being abandoned.
So, with my combination of feeling broken, abandoned, and lonely, I tried to keep what was left of my heart safe.
I pushed people away out of fear of losing what was left of my heart.
I was scared I would lose the rest of it.
It was hard to be around my family, my friends, and people that I once enjoyed spending time with. I became a different person.
My dark place was taking over my life, and I hated it.
It was Super Bowl weekend and I was trying to enjoy it with my friend and her family. That evening, I got a phone call that changed the direction my life was headed…
(Read part one and part two and part three first.)
It wasn’t until January that I finally officially ended things for good. And while I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, I felt the loneliness set it.
A deep sense of loneliness.
And along with that loneliness, lots of anxiety.
Things that hadn’t bothered me before, things that I could laugh off, things that normally I would get over quickly, suddenly hit me harder than ever before.
Getting out of bed became more of a chore every day.
Sleeping was difficult.
I stopped doing things that I once found a lot of enjoyment in.
I tried to stay connected with my family and friends, but it was difficult.
And this was a feeling that I had never felt before.
But it weighted heavily on me.
I felt like a darkness had set in on my life and I wasn’t sure how to get out.
I discovered I have some deep set abandonment issues. They stem from a stressed relationship with my father and his tendency to just ‘abandon ship’ when the going got tough. And so from that, I developed a fear of being abandoned.
So, with my combination of feeling broken, abandoned, and lonely, I tried to keep what was left of my heart safe.
I pushed people away out of fear of losing what was left of my heart.
I was scared I would lose the rest of it.
It was hard to be around my family, my friends, and people that I once enjoyed spending time with. I became a different person.
My dark place was taking over my life, and I hated it.
It was Super Bowl weekend and I was trying to enjoy it with my friend and her family. That evening, I got a phone call that changed the direction my life was headed…
Monday, September 6, 2010
The Boy: The Fall Before...
Part Three
(Read part one and part two first.)
October rolled around and I finally came to my senses and ‘broke up’ with him. Except, we weren’t really broken up because we were never really ‘together’. But it was definitely a break up. My heart felt…shattered. I felt like a piece of me was missing, and it was never going to be returned.
He didn’t make it easy. The calling. The texting. Showing up, just to visit, but having a whole other agenda in mind.
He had helped me set up my classroom, and everything in it reminded me of him. I had a student with the same name and could hardly look at him.
He had helped me move into my own apartment, and everything around me brought back a flood of memories: the good, the bad, and the ugly.
I wanted to just forget. To heal. But he kept coming around.
So, for three MORE months, I was in limbo with him.
My heart would jump when he would text me. Grab lunch with you? Of course. Go bowling just for fun? Wonderful. Come to the company party with you? What could it hurt.
I kept putting myself in situations that did not let me heal and let him keep stringing me along.
My heart still felt broken, but it felt like when he was around, there was hope it would heal. I think it really was just a mask, a distraction, from the brokenness. He couldn’t heal it. He just made it worse.
I had to learn the hard way that only HE can heal brokenness. And only HIS perfect love would satisfy me.
(Read part one and part two first.)
October rolled around and I finally came to my senses and ‘broke up’ with him. Except, we weren’t really broken up because we were never really ‘together’. But it was definitely a break up. My heart felt…shattered. I felt like a piece of me was missing, and it was never going to be returned.
He didn’t make it easy. The calling. The texting. Showing up, just to visit, but having a whole other agenda in mind.
He had helped me set up my classroom, and everything in it reminded me of him. I had a student with the same name and could hardly look at him.
He had helped me move into my own apartment, and everything around me brought back a flood of memories: the good, the bad, and the ugly.
I wanted to just forget. To heal. But he kept coming around.
So, for three MORE months, I was in limbo with him.
My heart would jump when he would text me. Grab lunch with you? Of course. Go bowling just for fun? Wonderful. Come to the company party with you? What could it hurt.
I kept putting myself in situations that did not let me heal and let him keep stringing me along.
My heart still felt broken, but it felt like when he was around, there was hope it would heal. I think it really was just a mask, a distraction, from the brokenness. He couldn’t heal it. He just made it worse.
I had to learn the hard way that only HE can heal brokenness. And only HIS perfect love would satisfy me.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
The Boy: The Summer Before...
Part Two
(Read part one first.)
After finishing up student teaching, I was exhausted. I finished and then jumped right into a long term sub job that finished out the school year for me. I had never been so happy when June 16th rolled around.
However, what that meant was, I was working three jobs…moved into my own little 600 square foot apartment…and felt lonely. I longed to have someone in my life. And I think I was a little too desperate.
One of my favorite movies is “The Wedding Planner”. Partially because I love Jennifer Lopez, partially because I love weddings, and partially because I love plans. But anyways, there is a line in that movie where Jennifer says she is a ‘magnet for unavailable men’.
The first time I watched that movie, I said to myself, “That’s me”.
I tend to gravitate toward unavailable men. Unavailable in that they are involved with someone else, not emotionally available, or not in a good place to start a relationship. That was my track record.
I like to fix people. I like to make things better. And those are the people I tended to gravitate towards. People who needed me. Or so I thought they needed me.
Through a family friend, I met one of his employees. We started hanging out and it was so great to have someone do things with. Someone who called me. Someone who texted me. Someone who wanted to spend time with me.
We started a whirlwind of a friendship that quickly developed into something more.
And that’s when I found out he was living with his girlfriend. Yep. I said it. Unavailable.
But silly me, thought we could stay just friends. It was obvious he had other intentions, but I was naïve enough to just go along with it all.
So, that summer, we developed a relationship built on sinking sand.
I knew it wasn’t healthy but I was felt like I couldn’t give it up.
I would gather just enough courage to break it off, but then he would swoop in and make things all better and I just couldn’t let that go.
I was working three jobs and staying quite busy, but I would drop everything to spend time with him. He would come to my work during lunch just to chat. He would text me endlessly while bored at his work. He would spend hours just hanging out with me at home.
But then there were the times when he wasn’t there. When he wouldn’t answer texts. When he wouldn’t answer phone calls. When he would disappear. Because he was with her. I knew it, but choose to ignore it.
And I again, foolishly, put up with it. For three months, I balanced in between being a girlfriend, a friend, the ‘other’ woman, and a girlfriend. But really, I was none of those. For three months, I sacrificed my true happiness, for a few moments of feeling loved.
(Read part one first.)
After finishing up student teaching, I was exhausted. I finished and then jumped right into a long term sub job that finished out the school year for me. I had never been so happy when June 16th rolled around.
However, what that meant was, I was working three jobs…moved into my own little 600 square foot apartment…and felt lonely. I longed to have someone in my life. And I think I was a little too desperate.
One of my favorite movies is “The Wedding Planner”. Partially because I love Jennifer Lopez, partially because I love weddings, and partially because I love plans. But anyways, there is a line in that movie where Jennifer says she is a ‘magnet for unavailable men’.
The first time I watched that movie, I said to myself, “That’s me”.
I tend to gravitate toward unavailable men. Unavailable in that they are involved with someone else, not emotionally available, or not in a good place to start a relationship. That was my track record.
I like to fix people. I like to make things better. And those are the people I tended to gravitate towards. People who needed me. Or so I thought they needed me.
Through a family friend, I met one of his employees. We started hanging out and it was so great to have someone do things with. Someone who called me. Someone who texted me. Someone who wanted to spend time with me.
We started a whirlwind of a friendship that quickly developed into something more.
And that’s when I found out he was living with his girlfriend. Yep. I said it. Unavailable.
But silly me, thought we could stay just friends. It was obvious he had other intentions, but I was naïve enough to just go along with it all.
So, that summer, we developed a relationship built on sinking sand.
I knew it wasn’t healthy but I was felt like I couldn’t give it up.
I would gather just enough courage to break it off, but then he would swoop in and make things all better and I just couldn’t let that go.
I was working three jobs and staying quite busy, but I would drop everything to spend time with him. He would come to my work during lunch just to chat. He would text me endlessly while bored at his work. He would spend hours just hanging out with me at home.
But then there were the times when he wasn’t there. When he wouldn’t answer texts. When he wouldn’t answer phone calls. When he would disappear. Because he was with her. I knew it, but choose to ignore it.
And I again, foolishly, put up with it. For three months, I balanced in between being a girlfriend, a friend, the ‘other’ woman, and a girlfriend. But really, I was none of those. For three months, I sacrificed my true happiness, for a few moments of feeling loved.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
The Boy: The years before...
***Disclaimer: I did borrow this idea from one of my favorite bloggers, Jordan over at www.jorydliz.com. Her blog, “Wide Open Spaces”, is one of my favorite blogs to read…so I am ‘borrowing’ her creative idea…and sharing my love story***
Part One:
Since I was a little girl, I dreamed of getting married. I could totally picture it. Me and my man enjoying life together…kids running around… just soaking it all in. It was picture perfect.
And as one of those people who likes to know a lot about…everything, I read book after book about marriage, relationships, dating, and singleness. I would highlight, underline, write down quotes, and dream about my future life. When I got into high school, I was convinced I would meet my man there and we would live happily ever after. I had life planned out, and I was ready for it to start...
Except, that didn’t happen. I didn’t even date anyone in high school.
But, I figured that was probably better, that way I could meet someone in college and I would THEN live happily ever after. Anyways, none of the guys in high school even came CLOSE to meeting any of the expectations on my “List”.
I think every girl has one. A list of what they want in a husband. And I was pretty particular. And for that, I am so thankful.
While deciding on a college to go to, one reason for choosing a private Christian university was that I would be supposed by people who shared a common faith. And since I wanted to marry someone who shared that with me as well, it seemed like the perfect place. Oh, and they had a great Education department; just a little side note.
During my two years of college, I didn’t date either. And I started to get a little bit nervous. Were my standards too high? Was I being too picky? Maybe I should have been more outgoing. Maybe I should have gone after that person. Maybe I am too shy.
I graduated from college and moved back home. I was starting my student teaching and wasn’t making money, so it was my only option. And not one that would really help in the dating scene if you know what I mean.
But I made it work and dedicated myself to my school and my students. I occasionally went out with friends, but being a full time teacher and full time student was not the easiest thing.
Part way through that year, I started to think…is this what my life is going to be like forever? Am I going to be doing this exact same thing: wake up, go to school, come home, go to bed…lather rinse repeat…10 years from now?
Good thing God is in control of my life and not me. Too be continued…
Part One:
Since I was a little girl, I dreamed of getting married. I could totally picture it. Me and my man enjoying life together…kids running around… just soaking it all in. It was picture perfect.
And as one of those people who likes to know a lot about…everything, I read book after book about marriage, relationships, dating, and singleness. I would highlight, underline, write down quotes, and dream about my future life. When I got into high school, I was convinced I would meet my man there and we would live happily ever after. I had life planned out, and I was ready for it to start...
Except, that didn’t happen. I didn’t even date anyone in high school.
But, I figured that was probably better, that way I could meet someone in college and I would THEN live happily ever after. Anyways, none of the guys in high school even came CLOSE to meeting any of the expectations on my “List”.
I think every girl has one. A list of what they want in a husband. And I was pretty particular. And for that, I am so thankful.
While deciding on a college to go to, one reason for choosing a private Christian university was that I would be supposed by people who shared a common faith. And since I wanted to marry someone who shared that with me as well, it seemed like the perfect place. Oh, and they had a great Education department; just a little side note.
During my two years of college, I didn’t date either. And I started to get a little bit nervous. Were my standards too high? Was I being too picky? Maybe I should have been more outgoing. Maybe I should have gone after that person. Maybe I am too shy.
I graduated from college and moved back home. I was starting my student teaching and wasn’t making money, so it was my only option. And not one that would really help in the dating scene if you know what I mean.
But I made it work and dedicated myself to my school and my students. I occasionally went out with friends, but being a full time teacher and full time student was not the easiest thing.
Part way through that year, I started to think…is this what my life is going to be like forever? Am I going to be doing this exact same thing: wake up, go to school, come home, go to bed…lather rinse repeat…10 years from now?
Good thing God is in control of my life and not me. Too be continued…
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