made it.

I made it to Spring Break.

It was touch and go there for a little while. :)

My original plan was to go to Arizona for break to watch Mariner's Spring Training...but that didn't happen. Not enough money in the bank.

So instead, I my plan was to hang out with Emily a bunch. But...I'm not sure that is going to happen. See...there is a boy in her life now, which means she has dropped off the face of the planet. So not exactly sure what is going to happen now. We were going to go on a day trip, or overnight trip to Ocean Shores...we were going to make lots of smoothies...and go shopping...and go to the movies...and bake...and make me a treasure chest for my classroom...get our nails did, but I don't know if any of that is going to happen.

Last night didn't go as planned either. I slept in until 2 in the afternoon...and moved my lazy self to the couch. Around 8:30 (PM, yes, in the evening) I decided I should probably shower. I had a feeling that the Boy would text me. I don't know how I know when he is going to text...but somehow I always do. So I hop in the shower..and then when I got out...oh yes. He had texted. I had dropped off cinnamon rolls at his sister and brother-in-laws house...two weeks ago. Apparently this was the first he had heard of it.

So he texted me...innocent flirting back and forth... good thing I showered. He was down at Rich's...and wanted me to come hang out. Bad idea, I know. But I wanted to. I wanted to see him. I miss him every day. All the time. No matter what I say or do...I still miss him. And I hate that!

So, I headed down there...and just hung out with the Boy and Rich. We watched a movie...and just chatted. It was just what I needed. And then Rich went to bed. And the Boy and I snuggled on the couch. And I wanted to stay. But I came home. Ugh.

I always do so well...and then he knows just when I am feeling so vulnerable...and he can swoop in and somehow make me feel so much better. I don't know how to get over that. I don't know how to figure this out. I just don't know.

On other notes...life is flying by. It seems recently I have had to make lots of big life decisions...and I don't know how I feel about that. Rough.

I can't believe that I am 2/3 of my way through school. It's crazy. I just applied to teach summer school.

I am making a mutual friend's wedding cake. Should be fun.

I am thinking of going to Hawaii this summer. As in...seriously considering it. Even though I probably can't afford it, I really really want to go. A "congrats you made it through your first year of teaching" reward to myself.

I've been loving church recently. Its been great. So has small group. We have this week off.

I am trying to plan out the rest of my school year. A daunting task. But I am excited at the same time.

I think that is all. For now. Hopefully I will post before a month is up again. If I make it. :)

movin on.

I think that needs to be the title of my life right now. I need to move on. I need to trust in God that he has a plan for me that way better than I could ever plan for myself. I need to believe that he truly does have my best interest in mind. I need to work on trusting him more. I need to work on loving him more. I need to work on making him my number one focus.

How am I going to do that? Not sure...but I think I have some ideas to get me started.

Bible Study: Monday nights. Do my homework for that. Every day. Pray. Read the bible

Bible Study: Wednesday nights. Build relationships. Realize how good life is for me. Focus less on fear and more on future.

Church: Commite 100% to going EVERY WEEK. To really listen. And learn. To put my money on the mission again.

The Boy: I need to be done. I need to not let him hold onto the control he has in my life. I need to MOVE ON. I need to not answer texts, phone calls, or e-mails. I need to just be DONE.

So that is my grand master plan. My plan for becoming more focused on HIM and less focused on him. My plan for living more for HIM and less for me. My plan for trusting HIM. My plan for loving HIM more.

life.

Has its ups and downs.

Good and bads.

Rough and easy.

Stressful and relaxing.

Sad and Happy.

Frustrating and simple.

Confusing and understanding.

I feel like this has been my life recently.

Back and forth.

Ups and Downs.

Such is life.

i should really post this...

So I was going over new years goals today...and realized I should update one of them!

Last Sunday, I was still in 0 small groups. None. Just hadn't found anything and to be honest...I really hadn't been looking.

As of Monday night, I am in 2.

One is a Women's Super Group...we meet for 8 weeks and there are about 60 women. I am in a small group IN that group with 6 other ladies. At first I thought that it might not work...all of them are over 30, married, with kids. However, I think it will be a good group to be in...we are talking about Discerning the Voice of God. Something I really need.

Then, a teacher at my school invited me to come to HER small group. Turns out I know 3 of the people in it. They are all 20-30 and I think it might be just right for me.

So YAY! Accomplished one of my New Year's Goals.

downs and ups.

This past week has been the hardest week of teaching so far this year. It's been rough. I've felt drained. Tired, beaten down, and not sure what to do. One of those OH MY GOSH WHAT DID I GET MYSELF INTO weeks. That being said, I love my kids. I love being with them. I love teaching. But its been rough. Really rough.

I got a new student a week ago Friday. And he is causing me to grow and stretch and figure out how to be a teacher that can teach him. And I'm not sure I can. That has lead to countless meetings. Convincing people he is not able to be in my classroom. I feel like I can't go without being 3 feet from him because I worry about the safety of my students. Oddly enough, I don't worry about my safety, just my kids safety. Especially the girls, he seems to be most interested in being physical with them. Makes me nervous and I don't like that.

I was feeling unsuccessful. Like I shouldn't be doing this.

Then my sweet little James. Oh James. That kid has lived more than he should, and he's only 11. My heart just breaks for him. They got evicted, so he showed up one morning early to do his homework and said they were moving that afternoon. I told him NO. He was not going to leave me. I cared about him and loved him too much to let him go. The end of that story is I figured out a loophole that allows them to be transported to our school because they are 'home less'. So Monday morning, they will be picked up and brought to school. Hopefully. I doubt it will last long because Mom isn't exactly on board with everything. I just want him to feel loved. I just want him to have a chance. To do better for himself. To be a kid. I guess we'll see Monday morning.

It was a good thing that I didn't have kids on Friday. I needed a day without them. So, Thursday they were testing the alarm system at our school. As in, going off for 45 minutes strobe lights and all. Crazy. 3 of us left and headed to Starbucks instead of waiting. When I got back, I decided it was the perfect time to clean up. To get organized. To do some serious planning. And boy, did I actually feel SUCCESSFUL. I stayed WAY late...as in 9 PM.

Then Friday, we didn't have kids and it was a teacher in service day. Just lots of time to have meetings. I stayed late Friday too because I am SO excited about teaching SCIENCE! Cindy, my teaching partner, and I are going to be sharing teaching Social Studies and Science. I am going to do 2 units of science, and she is going to teach social studies. So, Tuesdays and Thursdays, I will teach science to her kids and mine, and she will teach social studies to hers and then mine. Can't even tell you how excited I am about this! I am doing the human body kit, and I am SO excited. I will let you know how it goes. :)

This was what I needed. To get me feeling successful again and excited. I needed this. It will force me to be even more on track of what I am teaching and be structured and organized. That is a good thing.

So, after a crazy busy week of rough and tough kids, I am feeling like I can do this. I am feeling successful. I am feeling good again.

A weight has been lifted, I am feeling successful. I am loving it. Life feels like its on its way up.

oh my.

Things have been a bit crazy which in turn has made me a bad blogger.

Let's see here....

School: Crazy. New student. Meetings. Papers to grade. Mentors. Meetings. Planning. Science Fair. Art. Parents. Office Visits. In school Suspension. Crazy.

Family: My Aunt Died. Mom has been high maintenance. Kevin is adorable as always. Kristopher is still Kris. Dad has been pretty low key but wrapped up a new phase.

Friends: Can't go more than 2 days with out E. Haven't seen S in forever but we have been talking on the phone more. The Boy....he deserves his own section.

The Boy: Haven't seen him since December 28th...until tonight. Heard from him 3 times in between. Had a really good time....with Matt tonight...his friend. :) Oh life.

Life: Working on trying to not feel so restless. Working on feeling happy with being settled. Working on...just living and enjoying it.

restless...

This is a pretty personal post. But, I think that is okay.

I am feeling restless. The definition of restless is

1. characterized by or showing inability to remain at rest: a restless mood.

2. unquiet or uneasy, as a person, the mind, or the heart

3. without rest; without restful sleep: a restless night

4. unceasingly active; averse to quiet or inaction, as persons

5. marked by a lack of quiet, repose, or rest

6. not able to rest, relax, or be still

Let me preface this with: I have a great life. I should be very thankful for all I have, for the many blessings God has given me. I should be satisfied. But at the same time, I am feeling restless.

I'm 21. I have a full time grown up job. I pay my own rent. Make the same payment every month on my car. Pay my car insurance payments. I have a Costco membership. I. Am. Settled.

But in all truth, I feel stuck. I feel trapped. And it feels very scary.

Is this my life? Is this all there is? A job I love, go to everyday, go to the gym, come home, eat by myself, and go to bed. Get up the next morning and do it all over. Weekends? Work on Saturdays sleep in Sunday, go to church, and prepare for Monday.

I'm feeling restless. Stuck. Trapped.

But at the same time...I love what I have.

So how do I get out? How do I make a change? How do I make myself feel more...settled and content?

...not really looking for answers :) just processing.