restless...

This is a pretty personal post. But, I think that is okay.

I am feeling restless. The definition of restless is

1. characterized by or showing inability to remain at rest: a restless mood.

2. unquiet or uneasy, as a person, the mind, or the heart

3. without rest; without restful sleep: a restless night

4. unceasingly active; averse to quiet or inaction, as persons

5. marked by a lack of quiet, repose, or rest

6. not able to rest, relax, or be still

Let me preface this with: I have a great life. I should be very thankful for all I have, for the many blessings God has given me. I should be satisfied. But at the same time, I am feeling restless.

I'm 21. I have a full time grown up job. I pay my own rent. Make the same payment every month on my car. Pay my car insurance payments. I have a Costco membership. I. Am. Settled.

But in all truth, I feel stuck. I feel trapped. And it feels very scary.

Is this my life? Is this all there is? A job I love, go to everyday, go to the gym, come home, eat by myself, and go to bed. Get up the next morning and do it all over. Weekends? Work on Saturdays sleep in Sunday, go to church, and prepare for Monday.

I'm feeling restless. Stuck. Trapped.

But at the same time...I love what I have.

So how do I get out? How do I make a change? How do I make myself feel more...settled and content?

...not really looking for answers :) just processing.

2010...

The end of a decade. Crazy. 10 years ago, I was in elementary school, and now here I am teaching elementary school. 2009 is over, and we are well into the first day of 2010. 2009 was a year of changes, big decisions, mistakes, lessons learned, and growth.

And as I am a fan of lists...I would like to do a quick recap of 2009.

~I completed my student teaching. Truly fell in love with 26 amazing students. I had such a fantastic mentor teacher and feel like I learned how to truly teach. I finally reached my goal of being a teacher. Certified, stamped, and registered in the State of Washington as a teacher.

~Took on two long term substitute jobs. Got to get my feet wet in teacher and completely loved it.

~Had an amazing Spring Break, and much needed, vacation in Arizona with my bestie. We soaked up all the sun, baseball, and junkfood we could. Such a great trip.

~Came back from said trip and decided it was time to start taking care of myself. Started working on eating better, one step at a time.

~Enjoyed 20 baseball games this season. My slightly obsession with the Seattle Mariner's continues.

~Started working two summer jobs. One at a gym in town, and the other at a conference center. Almost quit said jobs as well, but stuck it out. The gym turned out to be great, but the conference center was not so great.

~Moved into my own apartment. Best decision for keeping things kosher with my family. And I’m only 10 minutes away. It’s Perfect…minus the dark green paint…but that can always change. J

~Went to a BUNCH of concerts...and loved all of them. Kenny Chesney, Lady A, Taylor Swift, Rascal Flatts, Darius Rucker, Sugarland, Miranda Lambert, and Keith Urban to name a few!

~Had one interview for a teaching position. And didn't get the job.

~Worked at Camp Side By Side again and learned how kids with cancer have way more faith than I have. Challenging week to say the least.

~Had another job interview...and didn't get the job.

~My relationship with the Boy took off and hit the road running. July 8^th will be a day that forever changed my life. We became friends, and he was in my life for the next four months. What a summer of learning, growth, mistakes, fun, excitement, mistakes, learning, and some serious personal growth. While things didn’t end up exactly the way I had hoped, I am glad that we are still friends and hopefully things will stay that way. First love, first heartbreak all in one year.

~Was hired as a teacher. A real teacher. Granted, it was 36 hours before school started, but I finally did it. I finally accomplished what I had worked for in elementary school, junior high, high school, running start, and college. I did it. Probably what I am most proud of this year.

~Realized how blessed I am and also how selfish I can be. Again, room for lots of personal growth.

~Gave my heart away to my 24 students. Learning how to separate out my life and theirs. We celebrated Thanksgiving in style with a full meal and lots of good cheer. A few tears of joy were shed and its forever in my memory. Celebrated Christmas as well and tried to show the kids the wonder of Christmas found in ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas. Hopefully they will take that with them even as they grow older.

~Lost 52 pounds this year. Yay! About 50 more to go… good thing I have 2010 too!

So, in the year of 2010…I have a few things I would like to accomplish. A few things I would like to happen. A few things that I am hoping I will have the courage and strength to do.

2010:

~Loose 50 pounds.

~Get into a small group

~Meet someone who will change my life...that can be taken in many different ways and probably all of them are true.

~Spend more time being still…“Be still and know that I am God”

~Be more organized. At home, at work, and in my car J

~Spend more time investing in my friendships.

I think that is all I have for now…Although I have a whole year to add more things to this list. So look back for more.

tonight.

So excited...

To go bowling...

With the boy...

And enjoy some fun friend time..

Together.

So excited...

P.S. I am realizing am I am reading over my past few posts it looks like I am a yo-yo of emotions. But this is my person journal, my way of getting what is in my head out into words, so that I can process it.

So while I realize my emotions have been a yo-yo, I am okay with that. And in all actuality, they really are not. On the outside, I am very even keeled. I am pretty stoic. But when I let loose and let all of those thoughts out, they come out like a broken mess of emotions. But that is okay.

friends.

Today I was suprised by a wonderful little pick me up gift that couldn't have come at a better time. My friend Rob, who I went to college and traveled to France with, sent me a package.

Earlier this year, I sent him a cake on his birthday. He set aside his life and moved to Iowa to work as an Americops volunteer. I know that they work hard, and do great things. So, in thanks, sent him a cake.

Today, I opened a package to find a sweet card, and a home made hand made hat. It's perfect. Warmed my heart in a way he will never ever know. Touched me and made me feel loved which couldn't have come at a better time.

The love of friends is good.

tough.

Tough to find out that while I was complaining about not hearing from the Boy, he was dealing with his Grandfather having a stroke and sitting waiting to find out if he would survive.

Tough to find out while I was feeling sad, he was hurting.

Tough to find out while I was lonely, he was comforting his family.

Tough to realize I can be very selfish.

But realization is the first step to progress, right?

spoke too soon...

Apparently I spoke too soon. Every bit of communication has stopped. At least I was guarding my heart and preparing for this to happen. But it still isn't fun. However, I know I'll get over it and move on...again.

like a light switch....

Things have flipped like a light switch. I was unsure, kind of hesitant, and felt the distance growing. This week the boy was distant again, and I wasn't sure what to do.

Then Thursday, he asked me to have lunch with him in his sweet "Have lunch with me?" text. And how could I say no to that. So, we had lunch, exchanged gifts, and went our separate ways. He headed down to Vancouver to spend some time with his family, and I headed home to my family as well.

Since Thursday night, I have talked on the phone to him 6 times. Yes, actually talked on the phone. Texting is apparently back in style too. Oh, and Facebooking.

I'm trying to be cautious with my heart but here is the truth: This is what I have missed. I have missed my friend. The one who texts me when he wakes up, or when he can't sleep or when he goes to bed. The one who wants to call and tell me that he misses me. That he wishes I was there with him. Who tells me I'm beautiful. I have missed my friend that I can joke around with.

This is what I don't want to stop. I want him to be my friend. I want to care about him as my friend. I want him to care about me as his friend. And if that is all that happens, I will be just fine with that. Of course, there is still a little part in my heart that wishes he was mine and I was his if you know what I mean, but right now I am happy to have my friend back. Just like things used to be this summer before we got all complicated.

So, he is coming back home Sunday I think...and we are hanging out on Monday. He has the day off, I have the day off. Perfect. Just like it used to be.

I just hope that the light switch stays on, and doesn't suddenly turn off. Again. I like having my friend back. :)