black and white vs. gray

My head is having a hard time working right now.... because its mostly focused on one thing. The boy. But here's the deal. I need to be really honest with myself right now, and since this has been the way that I have been processing, its going to happen right here on the blog.

I used to always think that things in a relationship would be black and white. That boundaries, both physical mental, spiritual and verbal, would be black and white. For example: (of COURSE I am going to make a list)

Saying I love you: wouldn't happen for a long time. Love is something that takes a long time to grow.

Kissing: Minimum for a while, gradually more as time progressed (as in like.... a LONG time)

Hands: Wouldn't happen to me... hands would stay off of certain areas, and that's all there was to it.

Things would move slowly: It would not be fast for me... I would want things to move at a very gradual pace.

Sex: Not until marriage. Period.

But here is what is scarring me. Now that I am in it, and not just watching it, things seems so...... gray. There is no better way of putting it.

No I have not slept with him, and I am not planning on it. But there again, I am feeling gray on other issues that I never even thought about before.

Gray. It's a really hard area!

This past Sunday, one of the points made in the sermon was about lust. Run away from lust. RUN. Far far away. Previous to the boy, that was easy. Now that the boy is in my life, not so easy. Since that time, I have found that saying going over and over in my head and thinking that maybe I am putting myself into situations where I am actually running towards it, instead of away from it and that freaks me out. Big time.

Today in church, we sang one of my favorite songs "He can move the Mountains." There is a line in that song that goes

So take me as you find me... all my fear and failures... fill my life again. I give my life to follow... every thing I believe in... now I surrender... I surrender.

My mind and my heart are battling it out. And I'm not sure who is winning or who I actually want to win. I feel so happy and so... good. But at the same time, I don't know if I am filling my life with the wrong thing. I feel so close to God right now, and I love that feeling. But I feel so close to the boy as well and I like that too!

The boy and I were talking the other night about standards and whatnot again, and I was really glad we did. However, the gray is messing with my black and white. For instance: napping. Okay just on the couch or is the bed okay? I don't know anymore! I told him I would have to think about that one... but I think that if I said yes, that would be running TOWARD lust and not away from it!

But here's the thing: I am very firmly grounded in my beliefs. I just never had to consider these types of things. Today's sermon was about being a leader and living by example. And I want to do that: live by example. Which again makes things SO gray!

But at the same time, I like the boy. A lot. And he makes me want to be a better person. And he makes me want to strengthen my faith and be closer to God. He challenges me to be who I am and I like that. Can you see why I tossed and turned last night while sleeping???

Maybe another part of my head spinning is that I am feeling very grown up right now. I know, totally cliche, but I really am. I feel very much like an adult right now... probably because I am. :) My bestie thought she was pregnant. She isn't but it was kind of a reality check...for both of us. I am living my life and this is it!

Which lead me to this: I am living my life for God, and loving it right now. I love it. I like having someone in my life who makes me happy in new ways, makes me feel extra special, makes me feel like a princess. I like having someone to confide in, who sends me a smilie text just because he feels like it, who brings me lunch at work just so he can see me for 5 minutes, who cuts out onions from his diet so I don't die when he kisses me, who takes 10 extra minutes saying goodnight, and who wants me to be a part of his life for a long time. I love it.

So, I'm working on the black and white versus gray issues right now. And let me tell you, it will be a long time before I will have them figured out. But until then, I'm going to stick with my gut instincts and go with black and white. That way, I won't regret something I do, I won't get myself into trouble, I won't send mixed signals, and I won't feel like I am contradicting what I believe.

Sound like a plan? I hope so...and I am going to do my best to follow it.

Lord, please help me to make good choices. Help me to be a witness for you, and to live by example. Fill my life again. I give my life to follow. Everything I believe in.... I SURRENDER. Take control of my heart. Be near to me. I pray this in your everlasting name, Amen.