honesty.

I think I have been avoiding my blog.

The reason? I have to be honest on here. When I write in my 'journal' to myself, I have to be honest. And sometimes honesty hurts. Sometimes, its painful to be honest with yourself. Sometimes, it hurts to write down what you are thinking because it makes it so much more real.

Honesty.

So here is a sampling of what I have been thinking about:

The boy

The bestie

Parents

Brothers

Mariners (when am I not thinking about them?) :)

Work

School

The Future

My Faith

Weight Loss

Stress

Money

Timing

Music

Virtues

Respect

Standards

Being an adult

Serving

Compassion

Cooking

Pain

Reading

Wisdom

Photography

Dates

Coffee

Forgiveness

Unconditional Love

Yes, it is a list. Yes, all of those things have been on my mind recently along with a million other things. Maybe that is why I have had a hard time sleeping...my mind won't shut off and stop thinking about all these things, it just keeps going and going and going...

Obviously a lot of these subjects are related to each other and are related to different things going on in my life.

I don't know if I can actually process any of these things tonight and write coherently about them. But I will do a few bullets...cause you know, I have a love affair with lists.

• Krislyn recently wrote about a few books she has been reading, and I have been reading the same ones. She is actually the person who got me into blogging, and I am SO thankful for that! So, recently I have been reading Crazy Love, Lady in Waiting, Getting Married, and Love Languages for Singles. All on recommendations from other bloggers! I am loving reading these books and I am looking forward to writing more about them!
• I read this blog, and recently Jordan has been talking about her 'boy' and boy did I relate to her last post about her boy. Yep, kinda feeling like someone threw back the covers on me when I wasn't expecting it. Did that analogy work?
• Also cried reading her other post here. My older younger brother is starting high school on Wednesday, and I can't even image when he starts college, I am going to be a mess. I feel so blessed to have stayed close to him and to home where I can keep an eye out for him, as well as get all the good insight into his world of being a teenage boy. He tells me about his crushes, his hurts, what makes him mad, and he melts my heart. He can always cheer me up and is Mr. Personality. Can't believe his is growing up so fast. I mean, behind the wheel of the car already? I still remember his sitting on the 25 cent horse in front of Walmart. Or for that matter, teaching him how to crawl behind the rubber duck. He's kinda special to me. He should just stop growing up.
• The boy. Oh the BOY. Not exactly sure about all of that right now. Friends? Yes, for sure. In fact, I had a crappy night a few days ago, and he just came over and held me. We didn't have to say anything, we didn't have to do anything, he just stroked my hair, let me vent/cry when I needed to, and would ever so often gently squeeze me just to let me know he was there. And the occasional kiss on the forehead but I seriously felt better after he was here. Calmed my soul down a bit. But that is where the problem comes in. I miss him when he's not here. I miss him when I don't see him. Or like tonight where I haven't texted with him in 4 hours. I miss him, and I can't get him off my mind. I just miss him. Period.
• There will be more on the boy, don't worry. I just need to change subjects for a few bullets. :)
• The bestie is currently match.com dating. Personally, I think its a little strange. But kinda hilarious. I love reviewing her matches with her and then figuring out who she should click 'not interested' and who she should 'wink' at. She's had a couple of regular real dates which is great for her. I'm happy that she's enjoying herself and is out of other bad situations.
• The Mariners. Win three games in a row, and then loose. Not good. But, I am SUPER excited that I am going to the game Saturday. Super Duper Excited. The boy got me tickets so the Bestie, her 'friend' and the boy and I are going. Super excited. And against KC which means my favorite Mariner will be back in town! Willie Bloomquist!!!
• So, it looks like I do indeed have a job. It will start as a substitute position, and then hopefully I will be 'officially' hired by the end of the month. There is a lot of room for changes and additions, but right now I will be teaching Kindergarten PE/Art/Music, and a few other things possibly. Should be GREAT!
• The gym work has been great. And nannying. But man I have been tired! Working is good though, it keeps me busy and gives me a purpose for my day. And I get to make some money to pay my rent!

I think that is all I can muster up for now. I have finished my tea, written a very long blog post, and now it is time for me to crash! I get to sleep in a bit tomorrow which will be a nice change of pace from getting up at 6 these last few days!

Tomorrow I have a coffee date with an old friend and I am so looking forward to reconnecting with her and possibly finding a small group to connect with as well. It will be great.

Then the fam and I are off to the grand old Fair and Rodeo! And the boy MAY be coming with us. We shall see how that works out...but I think it would be great if he could come.

Saturday I am working and have the M's game... Sunday is CHURCH. So good...and I'm really really really really hoping the boy will come with me to Church. Cause that would be G-R-E-A-T.

And then the week starts again. And it is going to be super duper crazy. CRAZY.

Oh my life. Love it. Wouldn't want it any other way. A roller coast, right? :)

shuffle.

In this post, I will not be talking about:

~the boy

~crazy emotions

~work

~anything deep

But what I will be writing about, is my love for music. And currently, my love for the shuffle button. Whoever created that button, my love goes out to you.

You just click shuffle and your i-pod creates this great collection of all your music creatively mixed together in no particular order. Who cares if the Black Eyed Peas come right after a Praise song? Pop and Country mixed together? Yes, it is the best.

I think one of my favorite things about shuffle is that I get to listen to a lot of my music that I normally wouldn't pick at all. But, because all I have to do is click one button and there is absolutely no work involved in it for me, I love it. Except when Tony Bennett's Winter Wonderland comes on, then I do have to interrupt its flow and click NEXT.

In recent weeks, (and I am not eluding to ANYTHING that I mentioned that I wouldn't mention) I have had music going all the time. One of the the great things about having my own place is there is no one to tell me to turn it down, or turn it off at 2 AM. I can keep it going whenever I want. But I digress.

My parents definitely instilled in me a love for music. I love music. And the great thing is, in the recent years, I have come to love all kinds of music. Well....maybe not ALL all kinds, but for the most part, I am up for anything.

Music does something for me that nothing else can do. It's just enough that it doesn't fill my head, but it helps things to process. I can almost always find a song that describes how I am feeling. But since I am not mentioning the boy, I won't share what songs recently have been going through my head. They are a crazy mixture right now.

So, I will leave you with that. Music is a huge part of my life. A constant. A place that I find myself being able to think. Which currently, is very important. But I'm not going there in this post. Love it.

you never let go.

I just knew that Church would be good for me. This morning while getting ready I was listening to Rescue by the Desperation Band. What a fantastic song. If blogger would let me, I would load up a video of this song, but it won't. Technical difficulty. And since I am so tired, I am not going to try currently. :) Here are the lyrics:

You are the source of the life
I can’t be left behind
No one else will do
I will take hold of You

I need You Jesus
To come to my rescue
Where else can I go
There’s no other name by
Which I am saved
Capture me with grace
I will follow You

This world has nothing for me
I will follow You
This world has nothing for me
I will follow You

This is one of those songs I can listen to over and over and I feel so much comfort each time. Then, at church we sang You never let Go. Again, if blogger would let me, it would be up here in video form. But you are just going to have to look it up all on your own. Here are the words:

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back
I know You are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Chorus:
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth

Chorus:

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

God is good. While I still feel like my heart hurts a little bit, I know I am going to be okay. I know that I will get through this. I know that everything the boy said is actually smart and a good idea and probably the best for everyone, but I am also disappointed, and kinda upset that I let myself get this invested so soon. I think things will get better with time. Who knows, things could change again. But we shall see.

In the sermon today, Jeff was talking about how God never moves. He is always in the drivers seat, and we are the ones that move away from being near to him, and slide our way over in the seat, and eventually end up not even in the car anymore. We move away from God, he doesn't move from us.

God, please help me to move close to you, and to feel your presence. I love you with all my heart and want to live for you. I want to be a good and faithful servant. You have captured me with Grace, and I will follow you. Amen.

a few stones left.

So maybe it didn't all come crashing down.

He left, and then a few hours later after he cleared his head, he called. So I went and saw him. I think this is the conclusion we have come to.

He just got out of a long-term relationship. And that is weighing heavily on him right now. We need to just cool it for a while.

Stay friends: YES. No question about that.

Relationship: We both need some time and space before we would start that.

It was good to just sit and talk with him. Then he held my hand during the movie we watched. Then I fell asleep cause my head hurt so much from processing...and now I am extremely tired.

But I'm off to church which is good. And he's in Alaska for the day. Yes, Alaska.

So it didn't all come crashing down. Just maybe in my heart a little. I think that I really need to work on 'guarding my heart' a little bit more. Problem is, I think I have already invested emotions into this and its hard to now step back and guard myself. I always dive head first into things and give 100% so backing off is hard. I like to invest myself in my friends and their well-being, so stepping back and away from such a great friend is hard. But necessary.

And Cherry, thank you so much for praying for me. That is one of the crazy weird things about blogging is that this is kind of my personal journal, but to know that others I don't even know are praying for me is amazing. The strength of the Lord is amazing.

Lord, help me to guard my heart. Help me to get some perspective. Help me to listen to people in my life who I trust and value their opinions. Help me to depend more on you. Amen.

and it all came crashing down.

I knew this was going to happen. I just knew it. There was a piece of me that worried that this was going to happen...and now it has.

Kinda feel like my heart is slightly ripped out of my chest. Or maybe someone is stabbing it. But I do know that there is pain.

He said he never wanted to hurt me, and right now I am feeling hurt.

Or maybe more disappointed. Maybe just a huge amount of emotions are rushing all over me right now.

I haven't cried in months. Actually... like a year. As soon as I shut the door tonight and he left, I burst out in tears. Not just a few. Sobbing, crazy tears.

Part of that I think is good, and part of it is not so good.

He just texted me and now I can't breath again. And here come the tears back.

and it all came crashing down.

cleaning.

I've been doing a lot of cleaning recently. Cleaning my apartment, cleaning out my head, cleaning up messes I've made, and cleaning up pasts.

I purposefully try and be confusing by the way. :)

I spent about 4 hours cleaning my 800 sq foot apartment. Good thing it isn't a lot bigger or I would be in big trouble! But, in my defense, I did major cleaning and organizing after being on the road/house sitting/at camp/taking care of kids/working crazy amounts of time for the past month. And I feel soo much better!

Made a stop at the elementary school today and it felt so good to be back in the building. Slightly bittersweet at the same time because it really makes it feel like summer is over. I don't really feel like I got that much summer because I never got really tan! Oh well.

Also got to write a note explaining my large cell phone bill. That would be cleaning up the messes I've made. Just what I've always wanted to do. Darn it.

I am currently doing 4 loads of laundry... do I really have that many clothes?!?! I don't think so...

So, the boy is stopping by for 'a bit' tonight. I don't know what a bit means but I'm guessing he won't be here long. Darn. Tomorrow I think I am going down to see him in Tacoma... which will be fun. And since I have to be back home to go to Church, I have to leave somewhat early. Somewhat.

I'm feeling really good right now. Oh YEAH...I talked to Patrick today! He's still in Hawaii, trying to get out of the Army, still dating a girl who could be him MOM, still smoking, and drinking way too much. Yuck.

I'm off to try and get somewhat cleaned up. Somewhat.

I'm tired though... kinda really tired actually. Maybe time for a nap? We'll see... :)

important people.

So tonight I met the boy's sister and niece. I had already met his brother in law and nephew. Then, I also got to meet his brother in laws parents. Crazy.

But it got me to thinking: I don't really have any family to introduce him to. Not real family at least. If I were going to introduce him to anyone, it would probably be close family friends. But I don't think we are at that point yet.

He made a comment tonight about how we're "not even dating...we're just friends".... and that is true. But I don't know...it kinda hurt to hear! Weird...I know. Because I want him to be single, but I want him to be mine as well! Now I see why guys think that girls are so confusing....I think I'm confusing!

Other than that, it was a long day at the gym. I think I am starting to get anxious about the fact that I don't have a job. One of my favorite verses has started coming back into my head again, "Be still and know that I am God." I need to work on trusting.

Lord, please help me to trust you. Help me to be still and know that you are God. Know that you are in control. Know that you remember me and care about me. Know that I am in your precious care. Know that I am loved by the highest King and I will always be your princess. Amen.