shuffle.

In this post, I will not be talking about:

~the boy

~crazy emotions

~work

~anything deep

But what I will be writing about, is my love for music. And currently, my love for the shuffle button. Whoever created that button, my love goes out to you.

You just click shuffle and your i-pod creates this great collection of all your music creatively mixed together in no particular order. Who cares if the Black Eyed Peas come right after a Praise song? Pop and Country mixed together? Yes, it is the best.

I think one of my favorite things about shuffle is that I get to listen to a lot of my music that I normally wouldn't pick at all. But, because all I have to do is click one button and there is absolutely no work involved in it for me, I love it. Except when Tony Bennett's Winter Wonderland comes on, then I do have to interrupt its flow and click NEXT.

In recent weeks, (and I am not eluding to ANYTHING that I mentioned that I wouldn't mention) I have had music going all the time. One of the the great things about having my own place is there is no one to tell me to turn it down, or turn it off at 2 AM. I can keep it going whenever I want. But I digress.

My parents definitely instilled in me a love for music. I love music. And the great thing is, in the recent years, I have come to love all kinds of music. Well....maybe not ALL all kinds, but for the most part, I am up for anything.

Music does something for me that nothing else can do. It's just enough that it doesn't fill my head, but it helps things to process. I can almost always find a song that describes how I am feeling. But since I am not mentioning the boy, I won't share what songs recently have been going through my head. They are a crazy mixture right now.

So, I will leave you with that. Music is a huge part of my life. A constant. A place that I find myself being able to think. Which currently, is very important. But I'm not going there in this post. Love it.

you never let go.

I just knew that Church would be good for me. This morning while getting ready I was listening to Rescue by the Desperation Band. What a fantastic song. If blogger would let me, I would load up a video of this song, but it won't. Technical difficulty. And since I am so tired, I am not going to try currently. :) Here are the lyrics:

You are the source of the life
I can’t be left behind
No one else will do
I will take hold of You

I need You Jesus
To come to my rescue
Where else can I go
There’s no other name by
Which I am saved
Capture me with grace
I will follow You

This world has nothing for me
I will follow You
This world has nothing for me
I will follow You

This is one of those songs I can listen to over and over and I feel so much comfort each time. Then, at church we sang You never let Go. Again, if blogger would let me, it would be up here in video form. But you are just going to have to look it up all on your own. Here are the words:

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back
I know You are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Chorus:
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth

Chorus:

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

God is good. While I still feel like my heart hurts a little bit, I know I am going to be okay. I know that I will get through this. I know that everything the boy said is actually smart and a good idea and probably the best for everyone, but I am also disappointed, and kinda upset that I let myself get this invested so soon. I think things will get better with time. Who knows, things could change again. But we shall see.

In the sermon today, Jeff was talking about how God never moves. He is always in the drivers seat, and we are the ones that move away from being near to him, and slide our way over in the seat, and eventually end up not even in the car anymore. We move away from God, he doesn't move from us.

God, please help me to move close to you, and to feel your presence. I love you with all my heart and want to live for you. I want to be a good and faithful servant. You have captured me with Grace, and I will follow you. Amen.

a few stones left.

So maybe it didn't all come crashing down.

He left, and then a few hours later after he cleared his head, he called. So I went and saw him. I think this is the conclusion we have come to.

He just got out of a long-term relationship. And that is weighing heavily on him right now. We need to just cool it for a while.

Stay friends: YES. No question about that.

Relationship: We both need some time and space before we would start that.

It was good to just sit and talk with him. Then he held my hand during the movie we watched. Then I fell asleep cause my head hurt so much from processing...and now I am extremely tired.

But I'm off to church which is good. And he's in Alaska for the day. Yes, Alaska.

So it didn't all come crashing down. Just maybe in my heart a little. I think that I really need to work on 'guarding my heart' a little bit more. Problem is, I think I have already invested emotions into this and its hard to now step back and guard myself. I always dive head first into things and give 100% so backing off is hard. I like to invest myself in my friends and their well-being, so stepping back and away from such a great friend is hard. But necessary.

And Cherry, thank you so much for praying for me. That is one of the crazy weird things about blogging is that this is kind of my personal journal, but to know that others I don't even know are praying for me is amazing. The strength of the Lord is amazing.

Lord, help me to guard my heart. Help me to get some perspective. Help me to listen to people in my life who I trust and value their opinions. Help me to depend more on you. Amen.

and it all came crashing down.

I knew this was going to happen. I just knew it. There was a piece of me that worried that this was going to happen...and now it has.

Kinda feel like my heart is slightly ripped out of my chest. Or maybe someone is stabbing it. But I do know that there is pain.

He said he never wanted to hurt me, and right now I am feeling hurt.

Or maybe more disappointed. Maybe just a huge amount of emotions are rushing all over me right now.

I haven't cried in months. Actually... like a year. As soon as I shut the door tonight and he left, I burst out in tears. Not just a few. Sobbing, crazy tears.

Part of that I think is good, and part of it is not so good.

He just texted me and now I can't breath again. And here come the tears back.

and it all came crashing down.

cleaning.

I've been doing a lot of cleaning recently. Cleaning my apartment, cleaning out my head, cleaning up messes I've made, and cleaning up pasts.

I purposefully try and be confusing by the way. :)

I spent about 4 hours cleaning my 800 sq foot apartment. Good thing it isn't a lot bigger or I would be in big trouble! But, in my defense, I did major cleaning and organizing after being on the road/house sitting/at camp/taking care of kids/working crazy amounts of time for the past month. And I feel soo much better!

Made a stop at the elementary school today and it felt so good to be back in the building. Slightly bittersweet at the same time because it really makes it feel like summer is over. I don't really feel like I got that much summer because I never got really tan! Oh well.

Also got to write a note explaining my large cell phone bill. That would be cleaning up the messes I've made. Just what I've always wanted to do. Darn it.

I am currently doing 4 loads of laundry... do I really have that many clothes?!?! I don't think so...

So, the boy is stopping by for 'a bit' tonight. I don't know what a bit means but I'm guessing he won't be here long. Darn. Tomorrow I think I am going down to see him in Tacoma... which will be fun. And since I have to be back home to go to Church, I have to leave somewhat early. Somewhat.

I'm feeling really good right now. Oh YEAH...I talked to Patrick today! He's still in Hawaii, trying to get out of the Army, still dating a girl who could be him MOM, still smoking, and drinking way too much. Yuck.

I'm off to try and get somewhat cleaned up. Somewhat.

I'm tired though... kinda really tired actually. Maybe time for a nap? We'll see... :)

important people.

So tonight I met the boy's sister and niece. I had already met his brother in law and nephew. Then, I also got to meet his brother in laws parents. Crazy.

But it got me to thinking: I don't really have any family to introduce him to. Not real family at least. If I were going to introduce him to anyone, it would probably be close family friends. But I don't think we are at that point yet.

He made a comment tonight about how we're "not even dating...we're just friends".... and that is true. But I don't know...it kinda hurt to hear! Weird...I know. Because I want him to be single, but I want him to be mine as well! Now I see why guys think that girls are so confusing....I think I'm confusing!

Other than that, it was a long day at the gym. I think I am starting to get anxious about the fact that I don't have a job. One of my favorite verses has started coming back into my head again, "Be still and know that I am God." I need to work on trusting.

Lord, please help me to trust you. Help me to be still and know that you are God. Know that you are in control. Know that you remember me and care about me. Know that I am in your precious care. Know that I am loved by the highest King and I will always be your princess. Amen.

living.

Last night was exactly what I needed. After a week at cancer camp, house sitting, being Mom to 3 girls for 5 days, and working in between all of that...I needed that girls night!

Bestie and I had a great time. We made the "Only Cake", texted the boy, went out to the Melting Pot, watched Sex and the City, laid in bed and talked about life, and then slept in this morning.

I was then hit by the harsh reality that I had to come back down to real work when I stepped into work this morning. :)

But, it was great while it lasted.

Had some good clarity and words of wisdom given to me about the boy. He's still slightly in this annoying funk but he's coming over tonight to talk. And that we will. I feel like I need some answers on a few things he has said recently as well as some concerns I have. And we may snuggle as well. But only after the talking, because you know how the snuggling goes to my head. :)

I kinda sorta got offered a job yesterday. It would be teaching Kindergarten PE/Art/Music at my school. Thing is, it may start out as a sub position, and then turn into a real contracted spot. And it may not. Things are really up in the air, but at least its a spot.

Well, the boy just txted me and my head is slightly spinning at the thought of him coming over... staying strong. I'm feeling good. Actually great.

I feel like I am finally living. :)