the hole that can't be filled

Currently, I feel like I have a hole that can't be filled. Except, it feels full when he's here. When he's with me. When I get to be with him and smell him and hang on tight.

But when he leaves? A hole. A big one.

And that part is what concerns me. The part that tells me that I am filling that hole with a boy.

Because, I think that I am filling that hole with the boy when it really may need to be filled with Him.

But, I'm not sure.

And that's the part that worries me. And gives me that hole again.

So... let's recap.

I like this boy. A lot. And when I'm not around him, I feel like I have a hole. When he is with me, I don't have the feeling of a hole. However, I feel like I may be filling the hole with the boy when I need to be filling it with something else.

But I like the way I feel when I talk to him, or text him, or see him, or when he comes over.

Now my head kind of hurts....

So.... not sure what to do. But, I do know this.

This week is going to be crazy great. :)

Tomorrow I leave for camp and I am super duper excited! Its so sad that we have to miss 3 days, but I am glad that we still get to have camp. Then, when I get back, I get to go to a wedding on Sunday. I love weddings. And I don't have to go by myself which is 1000 times better.

Let's just hope that I can pull myself together.

So, big week. Super excited. Going to miss the boy. Going to have a great time. Can't wait to come back. :)

past midnight.

Oh the things that happen.

Oh how they mess with your head.

And with your heart.

But its so good.

So good.

Great.

But here's the problem.

I am seriously missing someone right now. Mostly because I know that I won't be able to see him for a few days because I am going to be gone. And I have never felt this way before about anyone.

Slightly freaking me out.

But after last night... I think I can do this. Best night in a long long time.

I like being close.

Really close.

AHHHH.... :) I'm super happy.

Can't wipe this smile off my face.

Can't.

It's permanent.

finally.

That pit in my stomach is finally gone. I think that is because everything is out in the open now. That though used to scare the crap out of me, but now I am glad. Actually, I am happy about it. I realize this is totally vauge...but it will have to stay that way for a few more days...or weeks.

In other news, I think I partially melted tonight at work. It was Crazy Hot. BAD.

But, I am excited for a certain visitor... :)

spinning.

My head is spinning.

Spinning.

Round and round.

Which is C-R-A-Z-Y.

My head hurts.

Bad.

So many mixed emotions.

My heart is racing.

My mind is going in so many directions.

I can't even breath really.

This is a big first in my life.

I'm spinning.

Spinning.

million miles a minute.

So, my head has literally been going a million miles a minute for the past two weeks. Non-stop. And it is all because of one new certain person in my life.

More to come on this later... but I don't think I have ever been this confused/happy/worried/nervous/anxious/excited all at the same time before. :)

what helps me get through.

Lamentations 3:22-24 - Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

when i grow up...

So, normally I don't post in the morning, but today is a bit different. This is my last morning house sitting out on the canal, and I just happen to be kind of reflective right now. Not reflective as in things reflect off of me, but the other kind. :)

I started thing as I was sitting out here on the deck, in the sunshine, listening to the waves, and watching the sun dance on the water: "When I grow up, I want to live somewhere like this." And then I really started thinking. I'm going to get real honest, real quick here. Stay with me.

I am a control freak of sorts. That being said, I don't think that I am what you would call a 'normal' control freak. Explanation needed? That's what I thought.

I like to think that I am in control of my life. Even though I know that I AM NOT, and ONLY HE IS. I make lists, dream and plan out my future, choose my number of kids, where I will live, who I will marry, and what I will look like in 10 years. I 'plan' all of that out. Because, well, I am a planner.

So in a way, I am a total control freak. Let me digress for a second, and then I will be right back to dive in a little deeper on some of my new found thoughts about that. And they are probably not new to you, but I have been reflecting and they are coming to me as I go.

I do NOT think that I am a control freak in the terms of being 'inflexible' because I need to be in control. Being a teacher, I have learned the fine art of flexibility. Granted, I am NOT flexible enough to touch my toes all the time, but I am flexible to just go with the flow, realize that plans change, and then move on. No Problem.

But my life and future? That's another story.

Recently, at my new church which I LOVE, Wes has been talking about control. And if finally hit me that I need to give up control. We were watching a video from youth camp where one of the teenagers was talking about giving up all of their life, even the parts that they won't want to, to God. I need to do that. It's hard.

I read The Pioneer Woman blog, and I love it. She was asking the other day for people to share what they are 'fighting'. I would way that currently, I am fighting to NOT give up control, even though I desperately want to. I really do. Because.... (isn't there always a because?)

I spend quite a bit of my time worrying about my future. Will I ever find a teaching job? When will I get married? Will I get married? Am I going to be able to have kids? Will I have lots of kids? Are we going to be able to afford a nice home? Will my in laws like me? Will my marriage be strong in faith and love? How are our two families going to get along? Will my children grown up in a loving home? Will they be raised to love the Lord with all their heart soul, mind, and strength? See what I mean? Just a little worrying work for 7 AM. :) And there are 23 more hours to do this.

Granted, it is not on the fore front of my mind ALL THE TIME. Like when I am signing up someone for the gym? Not right there. But after they leave, and tell me about how their daughter is going to sign up with them, they have been married 45 years, and they want to all 3 be able to come in together? Yes, then my mind travels.

Maybe I need to make a commitment. Try to do 30 days of giving it all away. Not worrying about these types of things and giving them to God. Cause let's be realistic. HE ALREADY KNOWS ALL OF THE ANSWERS, AND HE HAS IT UNDER CONTROL. My help is NOT needed in this area.

You know, I read a lot of blogs and many of them have a common theme: searching. Searching for answers from God as to why their husband died. Searching for love in the dark world of childhood cancer. Searching for meaning in life. Searching for how to better their marriage. Searching for how to deal with kids. Searching.

I am searching. I know that God is in control. I know that I am not. But giving that all up to him tends to be a big leap of faith for me. And maybe that is exactly what I need to do. A leap of faith. Trusting God. Giving him all of my life, even the back coat closets that I don't really want the guests to see. Giving it all up to him.

That is my challenge for myself for the next 30 days. On August 16, I will report back. And of course, I will blog about it probably every day on here. Because, well, that is what I do.

Lord, help me to know that you are in control. Help me to feel your ever constant sweet presence in my life. Help me to not worry if you know what you are doing. Help me to trust. Thank you for being such an amazing God who is so much bigger than I could ever imagine and thank you for still being that ever constant presence in my life even when I choose not to see it. Amen.